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Love Advice Forum Thread: He Cheated and Then Dumped Me

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    He Cheated and Then Dumped Me

    My last relationship ended a few years ago, but the way it ended still lingers in my mind. We had what seemed like a wonderful relationship for 2 years. He traveled 2 1/2 hours to see me every weekend. His time outside of those weekends was on the road for work. Even then, we talked on the phone for hours most every night. Everyone thought we were the perfect couple.

    I found out he cheated on me, going to a strip club and pursuing a stripper. I confronted him on the phone because, what I found out sickened me, and I couldn't wait until I saw him in person again. He made some excuse and wasn't owning up to cheating. I told him when he was ready to tell the truth to give me a call. I didn't get a call. Instead, I got an email a few days later more or less saying he was dumping me and how unhappy he had been. Never in the time we were together did he verbally or otherwise express unhappiness. It would be stupid to drive 2 1/2 hours every weekend to see someone because you are 'unhappy'.

    He later admitted that he wasn't unhappy with me, but with himself. He admitted that he destroyed our relationship. I didn't argue the case with him because I agreed.

    I'll never understand, how a man who said our relationship was the best he ever had, could destroy it for something so petty and not try to salvage it. It isn't that I wanted him back, but I wanted to know I was worth having back.

    Have you found out someone was cheating on you only for them to dump you instead of you dumping them?

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    Member substance123's Avatar
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    First he have to be happy himself, then only he can have the ability to love others. What he had was just an illusion. Maybe he was trying to find his happiness in you not realizing that he have to find it in himself first and foremost.

    And that was the reason when you weren't there, he tried to replace you that means 'his small surge of happiness' by going after that stripper.

    I have always believed that if you love someone so much," let him go and if he comes back to you, he was always yours, but if he didn't, then he was never meant to be".

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    Quote Originally Posted by substance123 View Post
    First he have to be happy himself, then only he can have the ability to love others. What he had was just an illusion. Maybe he was trying to find his happiness in you not realizing that he have to find it in himself first and foremost.

    And that was the reason when you weren't there, he tried to replace you that means 'his small surge of happiness' by going after that stripper.

    I have always believed that if you love someone so much," let him go and if he comes back to you, he was always yours, but if he didn't, then he was never meant to be".
    I think you are right. He wasn't happy with himself, so he was always trying to find happiness outside of himself.

    Oddly, he seemed to be a very well-balanced man when I met him. He came from a good family, had a good education and had so many blessings and opportunities. He seemed to be very happy with me and our relationship.

    It took a lot of analyzing to figure out that I wasn't the problem. I had to use logic instead of emotion. But, when I received that email saying he hadn't been happy and he was leaving me, my emotions were all over the place. I honestly didn't think I would ever recover from that breakup, but I did.

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    Quote Originally Posted by Katlyn View Post
    My last relationship ended a few years ago, but the way it ended still lingers in my mind. We had what seemed like a wonderful relationship for 2 years. He traveled 2 1/2 hours to see me every weekend. His time outside of those weekends was on the road for work. Even then, we talked on the phone for hours most every night. Everyone thought we were the perfect couple.

    I found out he cheated on me, going to a strip club and pursuing a stripper. I confronted him on the phone because, what I found out sickened me, and I couldn't wait until I saw him in person again. He made some excuse and wasn't owning up to cheating. I told him when he was ready to tell the truth to give me a call. I didn't get a call. Instead, I got an email a few days later more or less saying he was dumping me and how unhappy he had been. Never in the time we were together did he verbally or otherwise express unhappiness. It would be stupid to drive 2 1/2 hours every weekend to see someone because you are 'unhappy'.

    He later admitted that he wasn't unhappy with me, but with himself. He admitted that he destroyed our relationship. I didn't argue the case with him because I agreed.

    I'll never understand, how a man who said our relationship was the best he ever had, could destroy it for something so petty and not try to salvage it. It isn't that I wanted him back, but I wanted to know I was worth having back.

    Have you found out someone was cheating on you only for them to dump you instead of you dumping them?
    It has happened to me, too. My first boyfriend dumped for an old friend. Weeks after, he came back begging me to take him again. Although the feelings was still there, I just felt that the trust and the good relationship we built together can no longer exist after such betrayal.

    Perhaps he is just at a lost right now. I am sure he knows what he's done and now he is blaming himself. Wait til he finds himself and see if you are still ready to accept him by then.

    But even if he does not come back any more, you will surely get over it and will find someone else worthy of your trust and love.

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    Quote Originally Posted by tinkerbulilit View Post
    It has happened to me, too. My first boyfriend dumped for an old friend. Weeks after, he came back begging me to take him again. Although the feelings was still there, I just felt that the trust and the good relationship we built together can no longer exist after such betrayal.

    Perhaps he is just at a lost right now. I am sure he knows what he's done and now he is blaming himself. Wait til he finds himself and see if you are still ready to accept him by then.

    But even if he does not come back any more, you will surely get over it and will find someone else worthy of your trust and love.
    I'm sorry for what you went through. It is hard to trust someone again when they hurt you so badly, even if the feelings are still there.

    My ex-boyfriend didn't come begging back. In fact, he never really even gave an apology. The best I got out of him was pointing out that he never even said he was sorry and he responded that he was. Maybe it was pride. Maybe it was shame, but for the life of me I can't imagine how anyone can hurt someone so deeply and not own up to it with a sincere apology.

    The relationship ended years ago and I have moved on. I never thought I would find someone who would be as good as my ex, but I've met someone who I feel has the potential to raise the bar. We'll see how it goes!

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    Senior Member summerRain's Avatar
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    Give him some space and time. I guess he is having some personal issues that he have to deal first. Nobody can tell what is his real feelings towards you. The common mistake about us women, is that we always misunderstood the men. There are some point in a guy's life that they need some time alone. Guys have different personalities, different ways to show their love, different ways to handle their problems. I am not telling you that you have to wait for him. I am just telling you to give him what he wanted. And try to take away the pain and hatred into your heart. I am sure that in time, when he is ready, he will talk to you and explain himself. I know how painful it is. Been there, done that. Be strong.

    My first heartbreak is almost the same as yours. After 8 years, he came back. Yeah it was too late. But at least, he explained and we are friends now. That's the most important thing, able to forgive.
    Last edited by summerRain; 11-28-2011 at 12:49 AM.

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    Senior Member Lucky120's Avatar
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    Well I would give him some space and time. I agree with summerRain on this one. Sometimes there are things that we cannot understand. He might have some real feelings there and he is just not showing them like you want him to. The thing is though he may not come begging back at all and if that is the case then I would let him go. This has happened to me and in my defense I do not take back cheaters at all. I mean whose to say they will not do it again. I am a littler paranoid about taking back someone that has been unfaithful to me. In your case I mean you do what is right for you and only you. I wish you all the best in the world and hope that everything works out for you.

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    Member Mon-Jes's Avatar
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    Sorry to hear about what happened, and good luck with the new possible relationship. :-)

    Some people just can't face up to being the honest yet "bad" one in a breakup -- if he were truly unhappy, he should have broken up with you *before* going after the stripper. Some guys don't like that because being the one who ends the relationship is sometimes seen as being the bad guy. Unfortunately for him for him, though, he ended up being the idiot bad guy, too. Don't even think about him any more. Heck, you said he couldn't even apologize, right? Chalk it up to a learning experience.

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    Quote Originally Posted by Katlyn View Post
    My last relationship ended a few years ago, but the way it ended still lingers in my mind. We had what seemed like a wonderful relationship for 2 years. He traveled 2 1/2 hours to see me every weekend. His time outside of those weekends was on the road for work. Even then, we talked on the phone for hours most every night. Everyone thought we were the perfect couple.

    I found out he cheated on me, going to a strip club and pursuing a stripper. I confronted him on the phone because, what I found out sickened me, and I couldn't wait until I saw him in person again. He made some excuse and wasn't owning up to cheating. I told him when he was ready to tell the truth to give me a call. I didn't get a call. Instead, I got an email a few days later more or less saying he was dumping me and how unhappy he had been. Never in the time we were together did he verbally or otherwise express unhappiness. It would be stupid to drive 2 1/2 hours every weekend to see someone because you are 'unhappy'.

    He later admitted that he wasn't unhappy with me, but with himself. He admitted that he destroyed our relationship. I didn't argue the case with him because I agreed.

    I'll never understand, how a man who said our relationship was the best he ever had, could destroy it for something so petty and not try to salvage it. It isn't that I wanted him back, but I wanted to know I was worth having back.

    Have you found out someone was cheating on you only for them to dump you instead of you dumping them?
    I think this is actually fairly common. Some people will sabotage a healthy relationship if they don't believe...on a subconscious level...that they deserve to be involved in a healthy relationship. Also...some men do not believe they should be monogamous if they aren't married. Maybe there was an assumption that you were in a committed, monogamous relationship when he never completely agreed to that.

    If you were expecting him to be faithful and he wasn't maybe he dumped you because he felt ashamed.
    MellowGuy likes this.
    Thank you for showing me, each and every day, how deeply loved I am.

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    I am sure that by now, you have realized that you were worth more than what he was giving you and may be better of without him. I know how it feel to be dumped without notice, its heart breaking and one keeps on wondering if he wasn't good enough for the ex partner. I think you did a good think by confronting him about the cheating because may be he could have continued dating both of you. If he was going to stripper clubs, you should just imagine what else he was doing. So cut yourself some slacks and love yourself more. He doesn't deserve your doubt, beside he did not follow up and chase after you which means it was over long time ago.

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