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Love Advice Forum Thread: hopeless and desperate ... still nothing

  1. #11
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    Tough spot, you probably just have to let him do his thing and see if he comes crawling back once he realizes the grass isn't greener on the other side of the fence.

    Five years is a long time, guys get comfortable and used to someone. Even if he's dating someone, once that honeymoon phase wears off she'll be in constant competition with you whether or not she realizes it. Of course, theres a chance he was simply too unhappy in your relationship to appreciate the qualities where you win out. That said, you're at a point where your only options are to A. Ignore him and hope he comes around or B. Be proactive and get him back. I definately don't recommend calling him to tell him your feelings, thats relationship suicide at this point.

    If you want him back you need to let him know he lost something worth having. Go out with other guys and make sure he knows about it. if there was an ex or someone he was always weary or jealous of make sure you get back in touch with them and make sure he finds out. Sometimes us guys need a little nudge in the right direction.

  2. #12
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    Quote Originally Posted by Glenn Quagmire View Post
    Tough spot, you probably just have to let him do his thing and see if he comes crawling back once he realizes the grass isn't greener on the other side of the fence.

    *looks like you're leaning towards him having a new girlfriend. it's been a month and we never had the breakup talk. i dunno what's going on.

    Five years is a long time, guys get comfortable and used to someone. Even if he's dating someone, once that honeymoon phase wears off she'll be in constant competition with you whether or not she realizes it. Of course, theres a chance he was simply too unhappy in your relationship to appreciate the qualities where you win out. That said, you're at a point where your only options are to A. Ignore him and hope he comes around or B. Be proactive and get him back

    . I definately don't recommend calling him to tell him your feelings, thats relationship suicide at this point.

    *why? can you please explain?

    If you want him back you need to let him know he lost something worth having. Go out with other guys and make sure he knows about it. if there was an ex or someone he was always weary or jealous of make sure you get back in touch with them and make sure he finds out. Sometimes us guys need a little nudge in the right direction.
    * do you think he cares?

  3. #13
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    *looks like you're leaning towards him having a new girlfriend. it's been a month and we never had the breakup talk. i dunno what's going on.

    I definately don't recommend calling him to tell him your feelings, thats relationship suicide at this point.

    *why? can you please explain?

  4. #14
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    He probably cares but doesn't realize it yet. If he's still enamored with the idea of being single, the cold hard truth is that he's likely not thinking about you much at the moment. At some point it will hit him, though. He'll get tanked and strike out at the bar and call you at 2 a.m. It's inevitable. But he needs to either run that course of self-discovery or like I said you need to facilitate things by making him think you've moved on.

    If you just call him in the middle of some random Tuesday to talk about his feelings I can tell you you're probably not going to get the result you were looking for. He'll either blow you off entirely or do his best to avoid any real substance in the conversation. What you're not going to get is any sort of closure, I can pretty much guarantee it. If you do its because he's found someone else and absolutely convinced he's never coming back but guys rarely even offer that sort of finality.

    In my non-professional opinion you should ignore him but make sure the fact that you're seeing someone else gets back to him. The worst thing for you is if he continues to assume you're sitting by the phone, waiting for him to call.

  5. #15
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    glenn-
    thank you so much for answering me. i have been having a terrible time of things. i figured he would be startled by my prolonged silence. we've had silences before, but not this long. i feel i need to maintain the silence for many relationship reasons i won't bore you with, and i hope it'll work. he's mid 50s, me, late 30s. i'm grateful for a man's opinion on this.

  6. #16
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    Its funny, as I get older and interact with older people, it dawns on me that there isn't much philosophical difference between men at 18 and men at 80. lol There's definitely more maturity but that usually translates just to being a bit more introspective but we all still subscribe to the same primal tendencies. When you're 16 and awkward, you want girls to like you ... you want to feel wanted and appreciated. Confidence and ego are always in play. That doesn't change as men age, only the environment and social influence around them does.

    I think i told you this before, he's likely trying to reestablish himself ... he probably hasn't felt good about himself for a while and now he's trying to find people and situations that make him feel good about himself. Like I said earlier, that typically backfires on us (particularly 30+) when we relaunch with an unwarranted & inflated sense of self worth. Have you heard anything about what he's been up to?

  7. #17
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    no..no idea about what he's doing that deviates from his norm. last communication from him was on 8/16 relaying a message. i never responded, which may have been a mistake, but i'm pissed, and he knows it. he doesn't know why, because he never bothered to ask me. in the last 10 months, anytime there's been conflict, he avoids me. it wasn't always that way, but it is now. i'm sick of that. maybe he's sick of me.

  8. #18
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    Hmm, yeah this is interesting. The one benefit (although in this case its a negative) of dating an older man, in regards to that maturity I talked about earlier is that typically by age 50 you have a good idea of what you want and who you're compatible with. Like I said as men age they become more introspective and have a little bit better handle on what works for them.

    That said, just to cover all bases here ... before you do anything rational or irrational I assumed that we could rule out some sort of prolonged illness or tragedy or any extenuating circumstances that could keep him silent and at bay other than his own decision to do so. But it sounds like you really don't know for sure.

  9. #19
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    are you thinking he's just decided we aren't compatible? you'd think then he'd at least have the decency to break it off, then.

  10. #20
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    Decency? Is this your first dealings with guys? Plus based on your early comments clearly he tries to avoid confrontation at all cost. You said yourself he avoids you whenever you have an issue. Well, this is about as big as an issue can get, are you really surprised he's avoiding dealing with it?

    What is your ultimate goal here? What do you want at this point, to just get some closure? Do you honestly just want him back? Ask yourself seriously what you want out of this interaction with him that you're hoping for.

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