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Love Advice Forum Thread: I could really use peoples advice. Was I psychologically abused/abusive? Thanks : )

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    I could really use peoples advice. Was I psychologically abused/abusive? Thanks : )

    I could use some help working out painful memories of a relationship. It was a long time ago...but I never talked about it and I think it having a profound effect on me (I have not attempted dating, romance etc. since).

    Was this just a normal 18yr olds relationship with the ups and downs? i.e. the issues are caused by me not talking about the experience
    Or was I being abusive? Was my girlfriend being abusive?


    My memory isn't great but...

    The relationship lasted a year and a half
    It was very intense and full of emotion
    I had just decided to ignore/move away from a group of friends at school because it felt like they were bullying me (the girl in question knew this)
    The girl stated her interest in me first
    The girl often commented on my dress style during the relationship...suggesting that I should change it
    I would sometimes get grumpy/annoyed that I didn't feel that she was 'close enough to me'...so I would withdraw communication and closeness
    She would often expect me to call at a certain time...and get very angry if I forgot
    She would sometimes get upset with me and I wouldn't understand why...I would apologize, but make no effort to change what I was doing
    She once called me "patronizing" and another time called me "selfish"
    She would sometimes get me alone and scratch my arms until they bled....my mum saw this and looked concerned...she was very annoyed when she found out about this
    She would sometimes get me alone, go to hug me and then pinch my lower back very hard
    She would sometimes pretend to cry and then laugh when I went to comfort her
    She would say that I was over-sensitive...”you are a bit of a girl really”
    She wanted constant text contact...and would get angry if I didn't reply quickly
    I would sometimes act like a victim when she hurt me
    I would try and 'emotionally stimulate' her or a get a reaction if it felt like she wasn't close enough to me...imply that I have other options i.e. “if you don't like I will leave”
    She made a list of things that she wanted to change about me
    I often felt like I was just being normal. Like I didn't have to put THAT much effort into the relationship...and I often felt that I couldnt understand/empathize with what she wanted from me/wanted me to change about myself
    She would talk about ex boyfriends and people she likes...to make me jealous. She would get very angry when I tried to mirror this
    She implied that she would kill herself once when I attempted to break up with her
    She kissed two other guys when I was with her...she admitted it to me straight after...and wanted appreciation for her honesty. Then encouraged me to 'touch her up' to stop me feeling upset
    I would sometimes act/feel very big and braggy...when we were together with friends. Sometimes I would crack a few jokes at her expense which upset her a lot
    She suffered a serious family bereavement...I tried to support her...but she didn't seem to feel it was enough
    I told her that she “doesn't love me as much as I love her” and that she “doesn't understand how much I love her”
    Friends would often comment that she had me 'whipped'
    I remember feeling irritated that I wasn't getting what I needed from the relationship...even though she was grieving
    I later heard from a friend that she had told mutual friends (while drunk) that I hadn't supported her properly during the bereavement...I felt awful and very guilty and apologized by text
    After missing her for a few months...I called her and said that I was about to sleep with a new woman...she called back very upset and distraught so I tried to comfort her (it didn't work)...and I regretted the decision immediately.

    Now I think about it. The relationship was always on a knife edge. Sometimes it was on, sometimes it was off. I would switch between acting like a loving victim...to get care and sympathy...who just wants her to love me as much as I love her. To uncaring...”I will go and leave you then” and indifferent. She would do the same.

    If I sound like a horrible person. Please tell me. I just want to understand what happened.
    Last edited by billybonkers1988; 08-09-2013 at 09:17 PM.

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    At points I wanted to break it off. But felt obligated...because of the bereavement and suicide threat.

    ...but also because I was obsessed/infatuated with her...I thought I was in love.

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    This will sound really strange...but having not discussed it. I always thought of these memories positively on the whole. That it was my teenage romance. At least I had that.

    But recently...I am starting to wonder. Now I am opening up more...friends have been telling me that the relationship was far from healthy and normal. And I think that maybe it has effected me. I have a lot of painful memories attached to the whole thing.

    I always assumed it was normal.

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    Quote Originally Posted by billybonkers1988 View Post
    This will sound really strange...but having not discussed it. I always thought of these memories positively on the whole. That it was my teenage romance. At least I had that.

    But recently...I am starting to wonder. Now I am opening up more...friends have been telling me that the relationship was far from healthy and normal. And I think that maybe it has effected me. I have a lot of painful memories attached to the whole thing.

    I always assumed it was normal.
    bump

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    Quote Originally Posted by billybonkers1988 View Post
    bump
    No thoughts from anyone? I need to understand this.

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    A very abusive and unhealthy relationship. I realize you hurt but you are worth so much more than the crumbs she gave you. She was physically, emotionally and verbally abusive to you. Please forget her - she really is not worth a second thought. Take is from one who has been there...

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    Quote Originally Posted by mnique3305 View Post
    A very abusive and unhealthy relationship. I realize you hurt but you are worth so much more than the crumbs she gave you. She was physically, emotionally and verbally abusive to you. Please forget her - she really is not worth a second thought. Take is from one who has been there...
    Thank you for you comment. This is incredibly distressing though. As I have said, this is the first time in 7 years that I have even mentioned it...and unfortunately, the damage has been done. I have spent years thinking..."at least I had one romance". I cannot even begin to describe how upsetting it is to realize that she was doing that. That memory has just been etched from my mind : (

    I need professional help to get over this. I am really scared...how am I ever going to trust women again? : (

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    Nothing is wrong with professional help - I have gone and still going. I got over a marriage of 20 plus years for cheating then a 6 year relationship that ended up being emotionally , verbally and mentally abusive.
    I have not given up on all men. I am working on me so I can see the red flags earlier before I jump in with all my heart in a relationship.

    You can do the same. You were with the wrong woman - their are plenty of good women out there if you know what to watch out for. Huggs....life does get better - especially when we help ourselves......

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    Honestly, this is one of the best advice, Good luck billy and play it smart.

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