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Love Advice Forum Thread: Pleas HELP! I am deeply unhappy and can't find the courage to get out!!!

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    Pleas HELP! I am deeply unhappy and can't find the courage to get out!!!

    Hi guys. This is a long story and I hope I dont bore you but I have nowhere else to turn. Maybe I just need to get it out and maybe someone will actually say something that will make me leave. Here is my story. I am a 27 year old singer. I moved abroad 5 and a half yrs ago and met a guy almost straight away from uk like me. After 4 months I woke up and found him dead next to me at the age of 35. It was awful and sent me a little of the edge drinking and going out a lot which was easy in a busy tourist resort. It was in one of my states that I met my now fiance. The night we met I was so wasted I couldnt remember anything the next day and he had managed to get me home even tho being one of the locals who couldnt speak english, we couldnt communicate. One way or another we got by and stayed together. I was singing almost every night and seeing him after work until the next day every night. He was cool with this and I fell for him pretty quick. After a year i found out that he had a prison sentence looming over him and that all those nights I was working he had been theiving and after us being together just over a year he went to prison for 22 months. In the year we had been together I had found hard evidence numerous times that he had other girls. I knew he was no good for me at the time but i loved him. Anyway when he went to prison I decided that i would use the time to get over him and move on with my life. He was contacting me tho and I still loved him and felt sorry for him and he was promising me that he would change. I went thru stages of believing him and not believing him. Saying I would stay with him and saying it was over. He ended up doing 16 months in prison and during this time I had met other people and tried to move on. some of them I had strong feelings for but one way or another they had not been good for me. Cheating, players, married etc. As weak and stupid as it was and i hated myself for it I knew that if i was single when he was released and he came after me i would get back with cos i still loved him and hoped that he was telling the truth when he said he had changed. Low ad behold he got out of prison and we ended up back toegther. That was in aug 2010 and guess what he really had changed. He got a job, cut all the bad ppl out of his life, changed his number. He turned into a model man. He supports me, loves me, lathers me with affection. Our problems now were elsewhere. In their culture they expect their women to be untouched and not to have a history. I ofcourse did and in the small village community he heard about it. I tried to tell him that he had cheated loads and atleast when i had been with others he was in prison and we were yoyoing between together and split. I told him we should put the past behing us and move on. I really wanted it to work cos he was finally the man that i knew was in there. However, he started giving me 'rules' that i had to abide by because i had 'betrayed' him. I agreed as I really wanted it to work. He stopped me from working in certain places so my recognition that i had worked hard to build and my career started to suffer. he stopped me from seeing certain friends. i had to change my number. He made me delete facebook and wanted to 'check' my emails and calls and txts all the time and have me translate them word for word as I by this time spoke his language. All of the old problems were gone and now we had totally new ones. This jealous possesive side of him I had never seen before but he said that was because he never cared seriously before and that it would get better as the trust grew back. I decided to take him back to uk with me and live there for a while. I thought if he saw our culture first hand he would see that a woman saying hello to a man of vice verser is not evidence that an affair is brewing (no i am not exaggerating). Things got worse in the uk. He would accuse me of looking at the genital area of strangers on the st. I couldnt be too friendly with my own cousin/uncle. After 5 months and many problems we decided to go back. Again I was making excuses that he was just homesick. we got back may 2011 since then he only allows me to work 2 nights a week and everytime we do go we argue when he accuses me of flirting/looking at men. so in him doing that he has got his own way as it has stripped me of my motivation to go to work. Working less has also had a negative effect on my being asked to work places as ppl think i have retired. He wont let me get any other job that requires me leaving the house alone. On NYE 2011 he asked me to marry him. In the run up to that i was adamant i needed to leave him. i wasnt allowed to my friends house for coffee and certainly not out to a cafe/dinner/club. When my mum came on holiday i wasnt allowed to go to the beach with them until he finished work and he accused me of having a relationship with my stepdad. I wasnt allowed to sit at the swimming pool outside our back door alone. I wasnt allowed to the beach alone. Seriously I could go on forever with the things i was not allowed to do. It killed my love for him quickly and had an adverse effect on our sex life. We had a big row and i left him for 2 days but he was a mess and begged that he would change. From that I was allowed to reopen my facebook. He said he would let me work more and see friends but although he didnt say directly no whenever i tried to arrange something he just made it difficult arguing until i stopped asking. Lately he has realised that 2 people in a relationship cant just have eachother and no outside release and wanst me to go see my friends while he goes to his. He has also realised that him not letting me work was a mistake as i earna lot of money when i work and now we just got a new house we need the money to refurbish. Maybe he is slowly changing but for me it is too late. Our realtionship will never be healthy. I am sick of asking permission about every detail of my life. i am so down all the time. I am acting that i am happy but sometimes i cant even do that and i think he knows that i am unappy but he puts it down to missing my family or stress of the refurb. Its got so bad i stay days in my pajamas awake all night so that i dont have to go to bed with him and then i sleep on the couch all day. I have no motivation for anything. I dont even try to go see friends now or go to work. just sit watching series in the internet all the time. i dont feel like i can talk to my family and friends as i dont want them to worry. i dont want to wake up in the morning. I dont want to get a shower. I cant be bother to visit his family and friends. I cant be bothered to work at the house. i cant get excited about anything. I feel like i have almost completely lost myself. My eyes have no light in them anymore. I can see my dreams and ambitions have been squashed. The opportunitied are all in uk for singers and i am not getting any younger. I know that our relationship has no future. The cultural differences are just too much but I really cant find the courage to get out. Other than his insecurities, jealously, possesiveness and caveman era traits he is a lovely, kind hearted, hardworking, attractive, funny, attentive, comminted loyal man who is one of the few ppl to come out of prison and truly turnm his life around in every way. i just dont want to hurt him cos i do care about him like a little brother maybe and i dont want him to turn to his bad influence friends for comfort when i leave. Please please please help. I dont see a way out. I feel so hopeless and weak and go between feeling suicidal or resigning myself to just living the rest of my life with him and trying to be numb to it al and just play happy families. I know my life would be better without him but dont know how to get out any advice would be greatly appreciated and just helps to not feel so alone x

  2. #2
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    Truth is hun, if you're as unhappy as you say, then you need to ask yourself who/what you're unhappy with? Thing is, if you're unhappy now - believe me - that'll continue. Sooner or later, a cheat, or a thief, will do it again. And again. AND AGAIN! As long as you keep ALLOWING IT TO. I know how you feel (I've had 12yrs of exactly this!). Its hard, but if you want to find that happiness you crave, you need to be hard, strong, and do it for the sake of your own future and feelings! You've got to get out or it'll continue. PS- I'm even a pro keyboards player in uk! Hope this might help a bit, and help you make the hard move to do what you KNOW is right. Best wishes. Sing one for me.

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    My relationship was great until we moved in together. We used to spend every evening together and find different and exciting things to do. Even watching a movie on TV was awesome. Now the tables have turned. My once affectionate love is now horribly mentally abusive. I am not allowed to leave the apartment without permission, I have to text and take pictures of where I am every hour, and the tension at home is building. Where can I find the courage to leave? I am so needy that I hate to be alone, but it’s gotten so bad that I am resorting to lies just to have a life of my own. This is making me deeply unhappy. It discussed my situation with a trusted friend who offered me a place to crash until I feel stronger. This is my first step to get out and find my happy self again.

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    Hi again. NEVER stay with someone who treats you that way - YOU KNOW its pointless - things will only get worse. Much worse. What'd be the next stage? VIOLENCE??!! For gods sake Jolia, get out immediately - do it while he's out and take as much of your stuff as you possibly can, as going back for it is the worst thing you can do. Also change your cellphone number asap if you can, then he cant pester you and make you even more miserable! I'm so glad you have a good friend who'll help, support and protect you from him. Remember, it's hard to do - even for the person doin the dumping, so you must stay strong and dont ever feel sorry for this insecure idiot!!! DO IT AND DO IT NOW GIRL! Best wishes, Jeremy.

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    Please read your private messages.

  6. #6
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    Yikes, you sound very sad to me. I suggest you think what you really want from your life and go after it. You may realize this guy is definitely not what you need to be happy. It is hard to do the right thing. It is okay to get a divorce, move on and be happy. Find the courage to do that.

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    Senior Member taskeinc's Avatar
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    First I'd like to offer my condolences for the loss of your 35-year-old boyfriend. To wake up and find a mate that way would be difficult for anyone to handle. The guy you're seeing now is no good for you, plain and simple.

    I will base my response on a few things you stated:

    "Other than his insecurities, jealously, possessiveness and caveman era traits" .. Insecurity, jealousy, and being possessive are extremely dangerous character traits and could very well lead to him possibly taking your life one day. Those are not the traits of a loving person but are the characteristics of a controlling person. He wants to dictate every facet of your life and you are allowing him to do so.

    "I can see my dreams and ambitions have been squashed." Your dreams and ambitions have not been squashed, but have been placed on hold because you are allowing it. You have more power than you are utilizing. You cannot allow anyone, for any reason to control you. It doesn't matter that he is from a chauvinistic culture, what does that have to do with you? Nothing! Basically, you need to develop a backbone and walk, no, RUN away from this guy and do not look back. Don't fall for his begging and pleading, leave him while you still can. If you marry him, it will only get worse because he will then feel that you are his PROPERTY (if he doesn't already).

    " I feel so hopeless and weak and go between feeling suicidal or resigning myself to just living the rest of my life with him and trying to be numb to it all and just play happy families." It is my belief that we come into this life to overcome obstacles, to overcome challenges, and to learn, grow, and evolve as spiritual beings. If you were to take your own life, or even resign yourself to living with this type of person, and never step up to the challenge that you are presented with, GUESS WHAT, you'll meet that very same challenge in another life, and it may be even more difficult to overcome.

    Your paths crossed for a reason, and I'm sure you can clearly see by now that the reason had nothing to do with love. This individual came into your life to make you stronger. You must immediately sever ties with this guy and you really don't owe him an explanation. If you feel you need to give him one, just tell him, "I care for you as a person, but there's no way we can co-exist together." "My life would be miserable, I want to get back to my singing and be HAPPY while I sing, and not have to worry about what you're thinking." "Therefore, Muhammad (whatever his name is), I have chose to 'grow' on without you." "I wish you the best, take care of yourself, GOODBYE."

    If he decides to get back with the bad influences in his life, that's HIS PROBLEM, NOT YOURS!

    Maybe this video will provide the motivation you need, from a singer, who overcame a situation that you're about to put yourself in .. If Tina never stepped out of the shadows of Ike Turner, the world would have never witnessed her tremendous talent..



    One more thing, leave the alcohol alone, it stunts your emotional growth, affects your concentration, and ultimately leads to cirrhosis of the liver (cirrhosis is a consequence of chronic liver disease from long-term alcohol abuse)..
    Last edited by taskeinc; 01-26-2013 at 06:54 PM.

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    All that I can say is that you need to look out for yourself and make sure that YOU are happy. Don't worry about him he will find his way as all of us do too. what is important that you get your life back and make sure that you love where you are and what you do and whom your with. I know you do not want to hurt him but if you really feel like he can't change enough to make you happy were you are then you need to end this. Even if it hurts him and it hurts you by hurting him. Life is long and he will find his way trust me on that but if you don't get out you will end up living a life of misery and depression and eventually it will effect him too and it would just postpone the inescapable fact that you guys will not work out.

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    Wow this is quite a pickle! I have to agree with the others. You need to break away. He has character traits that are dangerous and detrimental. He is not going to change. Your dreams are only on hold because YOU put them on the back burner. I think you should see someone to address the loss of your mate. Death is quite traumatic.

  10. #10
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    Hi I'm afraid that like all the rest I think that you will never find real happiness with this man and you need to move on, you are much better thian this. Good luck

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