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Love Advice Forum Thread: Boyfriend talking to the ex should I be worried??

  1. #1
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    Exclamation Boyfriend talking to the ex should I be worried??

    Hey.

    Just needed a bit of advice basically my fiance of just over a year has started talking to his ex again and i just wanted to know if im being just insecure and paranoid or i actually have something to be worried about?.
    To be honest i am very much a worrier and i am insecure due to past relationships and being cheated on so it could just be me.
    So to cut a long story short my partner was with his ex for 6 months before me, was not the best relationship she had major food issues and so does my partner they are very a like in alot of ways and due to being to much a like she broke up with him, but then i think after she wanted to get back with him but he didnt want to well thats as far as i know then 6 months later he met me for the first year of our relationship they didnt speak or anything she hated him and he didnt like her, he see's her regular because they go to the same place for swimming and gym so they see each other every morning but never spoke untill 2 months ago, when my partner was very ill and she sent him a message on facebook asking how he was , and since then they have been talking more at the gym, while waiting for swimming and they sometimes message on facebook, she currently has a boyfriend.
    The only reason im really worried is because he says things like she seems more relaxed on her food issues and seems different in general which was the main problem to why they didnt work, and also we have had a few issues in our relationship for the last two months due to my insecurities and it got so bad that a few weeks ago he said if i didnt sort them he couldnt be with me because he wants a secure relationship with me so since then i have been getting help and trying to fix things between us things are getting better slowly but it will take time as he is still very angry about the situation so thats probably why im more worried cause things have not been good between us and he might be more tempted by her.
    Its hard because i cant talk to him about it cause thats part of the problem i had before being insecure so thats why im asking for advice am i just being silly or should i be worried?? i did say to him a few months back that if they did start meeting up for social stuff that would make me very uncomfortable as i dont meet up with my ex due to respect for him and i know it would make him uncomfortable, he does tell me if she messages except the last time when he wished her a good holiday as she was off to egypt.
    any help would be appriciated.
    ionut21 likes this.

  2. #2
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    His insistence on maintaining any relationship with his ex beyond polite greetings at the gym is disrespectful to you and your relationship. While he may not have any illicit intentions, he shows respect for you by placing your feelings above his ex's.

    Now your worry and insecurities may be excessive. If so, they will destroy your relationship whether or not his ex is in the picture.

    So continue getting help with your insecurities. In the meantime, how do you think he would react if you said,

    "Honey, I am getting help with my insecurities. Until I get them sorted out, could you please limit your contact with your ex to simple greetings when you see her at the gym?"

    Good luck
    ionut21 likes this.
    Successful long-term relationships take commitment, respect, honesty and responsibility. Is he really a Keeper?

  3. #3
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    I agree with the above post about it being disrespectful to you if he's doing more than just being polite to her, especially if it makes you uncomfortable, insecure or not. What worries me, is the comment that you can't talk to him about it. You HAVE to be able to talk to your other half about your problems, whether or not it's a comfortable subject, communication, especially where your feelings are involved is NECESSARY for a relationship to work.

    That being said, don't jump to conclusions that there's something going on unless. If you feel you have real reason to worry, you need to talk to him about it, and he needs to be willing to talk to you, or it will only worry you more.

    Don't give in to paranoia, but DO make sure to take care of yourself. Don't drive yourself nuts with what ifs, but remember, if things don't work out with you 2, you always have you, so protect yourself if you feel the need. Try to communicate before anything else.
    NekkaCarisma and ionut21 like this.
    ~Knock on the sky and listen to the sound~

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    One time I was in a happy (or so i thought) relationship. Then I saw her sitting on my bed with a laptop facebook messaging a guy she is just "friends with". A week later my relationship was over and she left me for him.

    This feels eerily similar, however, I would let him know in an unthreatining way how it makes you FEEL. Focus on what him talking to her does to you, not the act itself. If a guy is truly in love with someone he wants to marry he would cut it off right there no questions asked.
    carman and ionut21 like this.

  5. #5
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    Thanks for the comments guys, normally if we weren't having problems i could talk to him about anything, just the last two months i have put him through hell his words not mine, with my insecurities and he has given me chance after chance to fix it but i just couldn't untill it got so bad that he said he would end it few weeks ago if i didn't fix it and that he is even unsure now that i love him because i wouldnt stop doing it, he has actually said he has no hope that i can fix it cause i havent before when he asked and tryed to help which kinda confuses me in the respect that why are we still togther if he feels this way or is he making me feel im on the edge so it will push me more to fix it? so not just the jealousy of that is in my head all this is and when i talk to him its very hard cause he is still very angry about everything and says he never wanted this that im the one destroying our relationship with my insecurities and that he does want it to work but he is just unsure we can get over this he can get past the anger :-(.
    Since him saying he would end i have been trying to fix it i have been trying so hard to cure my insecurities and its worked last week has been ok i havent been asking silly questions etc but he is still so angry he want even set future plans with me :-( i dont know how i should feel about this, all i know is that he still with me he hasnt asked for the ring back and we are just seeing how it goes which is killing me.
    any advice on this would help as well lol.
    ionut21 likes this.

  6. #6
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    Hope you get it all sorted out..
    ionut21 likes this.

  7. #7
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    Are you getting any professional help with your insecurities? He is not going to take your efforts seriously until you do.
    ionut21 likes this.
    Successful long-term relationships take commitment, respect, honesty and responsibility. Is he really a Keeper?

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    i have done yes but it didnt work for me professional help is not the only answer being medical myself, i have found other ways to deal with my insecurities which haven't involved going to a counceller.
    ionut21 likes this.

  9. #9
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    Out of all well being it is disrespectful to talk to a ex in my opinion. I would find it very disrespectful if my boyfriend was talking to his ex, though he had to for a little bit over a credit card in his name that she charged money on it and now he has to pay. But besides that he does not, or so I hope. But if it was just a friend he seen at the gym and talked to I wouldn't worry, but since its his ex I would be a little upset. I would just sit him down and tell him you think its disrespectful that he still talks to his ex, as if he wouldn't enjoy it if you talked to your ex...
    ionut21 likes this.

  10. #10
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    "i have done yes but it didnt work for me professional help is not the only answer being medical myself, i have found other ways to deal with my insecurities which haven't involved going to a counceller. "

    But you said,


    ...i have put him through hell his words not mine, with my insecurities and he has given me chance after chance to fix it but i just couldn't untill it got so bad that he said he would end it few weeks ago if i didn't fix it and that he is even unsure now that i love him because i wouldnt stop doing it, he has actually said he has no hope that i can fix it cause i havent before when he asked and tryed to help....

    Whatever you are doing doesn't seem to be enough. If you want HIM to take your efforts seriously and have hope that things will get better, I would suggest you go back to getting VERY SERIOUS help. What you have is anxiety. That is something that will destroy every relationship until you get it under control.

    Good luck
    ionut21 likes this.
    Successful long-term relationships take commitment, respect, honesty and responsibility. Is he really a Keeper?

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