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Love Advice Forum Thread: Married and have a co-worker crush...why me? I don't want a crush.

  1. #1
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    Married and have a co-worker crush...why me? I don't want a crush.

    Hi everyone and thanks for viewing my thread. I am looking for advice, not judgment here. I already feel horrible because I NEVER dreamed I would have a crush after 10 years with my wife.

    Here we go… I have been happily married for 10 years. I find my wife fun and attractive. We have a lot in common when it comes to activities, however, our personalities are quite different. She is type A, and I am type B. Anyway, we recently got an intern at work 3 months ago. We have had to work close sometimes, and we catch each other staring at each other daily across the room, then we smile. She knows I am married, and she has a boyfriend of 5 years and told me they have some big problems recently. She is 12 years younger than me, but older than 21. We never talk about sexual topics but we both get nervous when we are near. She recently asked what my wife’s name is out of the blue and wants to see a photo of my wife sometime.

    Why is she asking these questions? Does she really like me? Or should I be afraid that she is trying to find my wife and contact her about me flirting?

    I have never had a crush on anyone I have worked with before. And I have worked with many attractive women the last 15 years. I was always a morally decent person. I am having trouble not looking at her. I cannot just quit my job right now either. My wife would probably divorce me if she found out about this. She is insecure.

    Advice please!
    Last edited by Bulls Eye; 06-04-2012 at 03:31 AM.

  2. #2
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    Quote Originally Posted by Bulls Eye View Post
    Hi everyone and thanks for viewing my thread. I am looking for advice, not judgment here. I already feel horrible because I NEVER dreamed I would have a crush after 10 years with my wife.

    Here we go… I have been happily married for 10 years. I find my wife fun and attractive. We have a lot in common when it comes to activities, however, our personalities are quite different. She is type A, and I am type B. Anyway, we recently got an intern at work 3 months ago. We have had to work close sometimes, and we catch each other staring at each other daily across the room, then we smile. She knows I am married, and she has a boyfriend of 5 years and told me they have some big problems recently. She is 12 years younger than me, but older than 21. We never talk about sexual topics but we both get nervous when we are near. She recently asked what my wife’s name is out of the blue and wants to see a photo of my wife sometime.

    Why is she asking these questions? Does she really like me? Or should I be afraid that she is trying to find my wife and contact her about me flirting?

    I have never had a crush on anyone I have worked with before. And I have worked with many attractive women the last 15 years. I was always a morally decent person. I am having trouble not looking at her. I cannot just quit my job right now either. My wife would probably divorce me if she found out about this. She is insecure.

    Advice please!
    I think you are being a little paranoid, I don't think she would contact your wife because you have been looking at her, that doesn't make sense. You don't need to quit your job, just make sure you avoid developing a bond with this new girl. I think it's obvious she likes you, you need to make it clear that you are not interested.
    Bulls Eye likes this.

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    While no one expects you to not find other women attractive, it's what you do with those feelings that determine what kind of man that you are. You realize that you are susceptible to thinking thoughts that you shouldn't about this woman, so you need to take it upon yourself to change your attitude. When you start thinking about how different you and your wife are and blah, blah, blah, you are giving yourself permission to consider all of the things that you have in common with this girl.

    This is all on you, not the other girl. She could show up naked, but if you are committed to your marriage, it wouldn't matter. So, the question is, are you committed to your marriage? This isn't about whether your wife is insecure, this is about whether you are selfish enough to engage in behavior that will cause her to be insecure.

    If you still don't understand what I am saying to you, then imagine how you would feel about your wife engaging in the same thoughts and activities as you are with this girl, but with a studly young man at her job. If that gets under your skin, then make the necessary adjustments to not do the same to your wife. What goes around comes around and for all you know, she just may be talking to a young man at her job.

    Focus on your marriage, not on your crush.
    Bulls Eye likes this.

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    Here's the thing: it's not a crush, it's not love and there is no future between you and this girl at work. The problem is is that you spend a lot of time with this girl so you start to believe that you are developing a crush. It's common among co-workers, but it's nothing more than that. I believe you should focus on your marriage, think about your wife and do not be irresponsible by pursuing anything further with this kid.

    Also, give your wife some credit. She may be insecure, but she won't be impetuous and ask for a divorce right away when you have a tiny problem with your marriage.

    Good luck, sir, and remember, crushes will eventually get crushed, but a strong marriage lasts forever.
    Sugarhill and Bulls Eye like this.

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    Thank you all for your replies. Much appreciated.

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    I would like to add a few thoughts to this. I don't think anybody will judge you on here. Everybody has feelings, desires, lusts, etc. It is natural to feel attraction to others. Think of all of the movies and sitcoms that make fun of the husband checking out another woman. Obviously, it happens. As other posters have said, it is up to you what you do with those feelings. I think that it is possible to turn what you are feeling into a good thing for your marriage. You don't necessarily have to tell your wife about it; but if you continue to remind yourself that in spite of all the things you find attractive about this other woman; you still choose your wife every day - isn't that a great reminder every day for you on what a catch you have and what a great marriage you have?

    Also - you asked why she may be asking your wife's name, etc. I highly doubt that she is looking for contacting her! What I do think might be plausible is that she is looking to make your wife more real in her mind so that she is reminded herself that your wife is a real person and you are off limits - does that make sense?

    Good luck! The fact that you recognize it and don't want it, is a very good sign!
    Bulls Eye likes this.


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