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Love Advice Forum Thread: stubborn hard headed wife

  1. #1
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    stubborn hard headed wife

    Me and the wife just had our first big fight and it lasted about 24 hours for the most part. I'll try and keep this short as possible.

    I'm deployed so 10 hours ahead of her and had just woken up yesterday (tuesday night US time) she tells me that her ex bf (from 2 years ago) sent her a friend request on facebook and she accepted it, she asked why and he said cause he was bored. I told her I was uncomfortable with it and she responded telling me you don't need to worry about anything with him and that if it made me feel better she didnt care if I added him... So this turned into more because I was still uncomfortable with it and she started to get upset with me because I guess her telling me I had nothing to worry about should have been enough to calm me in her mind.

    She went to bed that night kinda ticked off but we weren't at each others throats, so this morning my time (wed night her time) she said she messaged him to tell him he should add me on facebook which he did in her words because "he was pissing her husband off". So I said I'm still not comfortable with it and she asked me to drop it so I asked her if my opinions or feelings about things matter to her at all and this made her basically blow up and was sick of me bringing this up and I am acting like she is hiding things.

    It went on and on cause I wanted her to come to some kind of compromise with me and show me my feelings in the matter meant something. She told me if I kept freaking out like this she would leave and eventually I decided to drop it since I don't feel this is worth splitting over.

    She has always been an extremely independent person so she isn't used to other people's opinions being important in what she does. I don't know if she would have seriously stuck to it if I said fine leave or if a few days of no talking would have made ger think differently.

    I guess I kinda wanna know who was right or wrong in this situation I guess plus venting

  2. #2
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    I had a woman at work in a very similar situation. She and her ex-boyfriend became friends on Facebook and then started talking again. Eventually her husband read one of the exchanges between them and called him and asked him to stop hitting on his wife. He asked her to delete him and not pursue a friendship. Which she did, although she was sad she realized they were treading on dangerous grounds.

    This ex-boyfriend was from 30 years ago.

    If he is from 2 years ago, your marriage is fresh. Add to that your deployment (Thank you, by the way, for serving your country) and the distance that adds...I think you are reasonable to not want her to strike up that relationship again.

    If you were my husband, I would respect that.

    That said, jealousy can destroy marriages very quickly. How were you talking? On facebook? IM? Texting? Perhaps talking on the phone or video conferencing would be the best idea. We lose much of our humanity via electronic communication.

    Victoria
    Peachy Tree likes this.

  3. #3
    Member Catnap's Avatar
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    I think you are in the right for not wanting her to be FB friends with him. I'm sure the deployment can be a huge stress on a marriage, and I can't imagine how it would feel to know your significant other is speaking with an ex, even on casual terms. And having him add you as a friend is just weird.

    I would never accept a friend request from an old boyfriend if it made my husband uncomfortable, and I'm sure he would respect me in the same way. It all comes down to respect, and once you told her it made you uncomfortable, she should have deleted him.

    So yeah, I think you're right. But it sounds like it will only bring more problems between the two of you if you continue to push her on the issue. Perhaps this is something left alone for now until you both cool off and can discuss without arguing.

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    I agree with the other posters here, your wife is out of bounds on this one, but I'd let things chill for now. -and Thank You for your service.

  5. #5
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    I am with the others--you are in the right here. I wish your wife would respect your wishes. I know that if I were in a similar position with my husband, I would not be okay with him doing this and not caring if it bothered me.

    With that said, I also think you should let it go for now, for your sake. You sound like a wonderful person and we are all indebted to you and all the others serving our country.

    God Bless you, and good luck with the wife!

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    Your right she should respect your feelings and get rid of him and if she would have ran it by you first and you said you didnt like the idea then she probably wouldnt have accepted but Im thinking that she doesnt want to delete him now because she feels embarrassed and then she would be making it look to the ex like she is with a controlling guy and she probably doesnt want him to see you like that. she wants him to know that she is better now with you then she was when she was with him.

  7. #7
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    Okay, to be honest, if I were she, then I will unfriend him if that makes you happy. I mean, you are my husband and you are not comfortable knowing that I am FB friends with my ex. If you are not having any peace of mind with that situation, I am happy to oblige to your request to unfriend an ex. I will do it not because I am submissive (but I believe all wives are at some point in their marriage lives), but because I respect what you want.

    You are fresh when it comes to marriage department. I understand where you are coming from. This stage is sort of a "testing stage" for the both of you. Plus the factor that you are not with her at all times. That must be really tough. I guess you should tell her that, too.

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