15 years of marriage

Discussion in 'Marital Problems' started by Confusedman, Apr 13, 2017.

  1. Confusedman

    Confusedman New Member

    so I have been married for 15 years. 3 kids. 5 ish years ago she changed. We grew apart. She spends all of her time online, while I have to clean cook take care of the children, all of it. I get zero passion from her. I am basically ignored constantly. She doesn't work. So to her, I am a place to live and free food. I have discussed a divorce/dissolution. Before I go into the next issue: I know cheating is wrong. Do not comment if you're here to slander me and my choices. Anyway, I met this girl. Many years younger than me (irrelevant). But she is everything I have ever wanted in a woman. She makes me happy. And seems to be just the girl I need. So I am ready to move on in my life and be with her, but I have a house, cars, a wife, and three kids. Is my happiness worth going through a traumatic divorce? If this other woman is my soulmate then she would be worth it. Has anyone gone through this or have any advice on what I should do? I don't want to let her slip away but I'm also scared of leaving my wife.
     
  2. Sri

    Sri New Member

    Hi @Confusedman

    Thanks for your post and your honesty.

    I think to help resolve your situation, it's important to get to the heart of what's real. The short of it is that, IMO, your partners needs weren't being met. In my work, i've never come across a couple where each partners needs were being met at high levels and didn't have any passion or intimacy. It just doesn't work that way. I'll say the same thing about her as well.

    The real issue here is that, in relationships, people often fail to maintain the same effort in a relationship after a number of years as they did at the start. What your going through doesn't just happen. It's the small things that compound over time that lead to a moment that we say things like "i've fallen out of love for my wife" or "There is no passion in the marriage".

    So that's a little bit about the marriage and how you got to the situation you're in.

    Then the leads to the current situation you're in. When we are in a 'dead' marriage, often when we meet women on the 'side', emotions tend to flare up quickly because it's been so long since we've experienced anything like it. I'm not saying that what you're experiencing is not real or true, i'm just saying that in my work, it's often the case that emotions can be exaggerated by the pain that an individual has had to endure for a long time. Only you can answer the question around whether the other woman is the one for you.

    In my personal opinion, given the length of time you have been together and the fact that you have kids, you owe it to all parties involved to give everything you can for the next 60 days minimum. Serve from the heart, meet her needs in the way that she needs it and if at the end of that time, things aren't shifting, then you can choose to make plans for the future.

    Having said that, if you believe in your heart that this other woman is the one for you, then you need to honour that. Living a dead marriage doesn't serve anyone - you, your wife and your kids. The reason it has such an impact on the kids is that you and your wife are their role models for love and if there role models are a dysfunctional, passionless marriage, then that is what is subconsciously being soaked into their minds.

    So at the end of the day, it does boil down to your decision here but I would be doing you a disservice here by not pointing out all the different dynamics and behaviours at play.

    Good luck my friend and sing out if you need any further guidance.

    Thanks
    Sri
     
  3. Anita Smith

    Anita Smith New Member

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