Breaking up when still in love

Discussion in 'Break Up Forum' started by kaclark, Feb 11, 2012.

  1. kaclark

    kaclark New Member

    I am 25 and currently living with my 39 year old b/f / ex b/f of almost 2 years. Over the past few months it has been a roller coaster because of his alcoholism. In December, he was so sick that he had to be admitted into the hospital and then forced to detox. Things have been pretty good since he gave up alcohol, but then he started smoking weed everyday. Now, he has had a couple of drinks, is smoking weed still, and spends most of his time at his friends house. I finally had enough of it and said it is either his friend or me. He ended up going to his friends house again that day, so I took that as his answer. I told him that I am moving out and we are done, and he proceeds to get angry about it, saying that he has done nothing wrong. After a day of drama, he talks to me this morning and said that he is very sorry and still loves me. I still love him very much but I am just so tired of the total disrespect of my feelings. He knows that I dont like him doing those things or going to his friends house and he still does it. I have made arrangements to move back in with my parents and all of my friends have been helping me get through this but having him look at me, saying he loves me and is sorry and doesnt want me to leave, makes me have second thoughts. I have given him plenty of chances and feel that I have to do this to make him realize that he cant get away with it. However, the voice in the back of my mind keeps telling me how much i love him and will miss him. I just dont know what to do...
  2. fancyfingers

    fancyfingers New Member

    (((Big hugs, sweetie)))
    Doing the right thing is never easy. You have done what you should do, and that is to break things off. Until your boyfriend realizes drinking and doing illegal drugs is not improving his life one bit, but ruin it, you can only move on with your life and wish him the best. If you don't, the odds are you will be pulled down with him. There is no doubt you love him. He needs to love himself and want to change his life,including finding new friends. He made his choice when he picked his friends over you. (((Big hugs))) Keep yourself busy, chase your dreams, keep your friends and family with you and you will get past this heartbreak. If he cleans up his act and you want to try again, that would be awesome, but if he doesn't you will be doing okay.
  3. ivorypixie

    ivorypixie New Member

    I admire you for your strength! I think you've done all the right things, and if you've already given him ample chances to change prior to this then maybe this is the big shock to his system that might turn things around. If he really does love you, he would see what this behaviour and bad habits have done to you and your relationship. Stay strong and see what happens from here. If he turns things around and comes back for you, and you still love him and want to give him another chance, please enter with extreme caution and take it slow. I've known friends to do this and it's not long before they lapse again down the track and can hurt you again. Hopefully moving back with family will be supporting and comforting to you as well!
  4. nene5

    nene5 New Member

    I will say I am sorry for what you are going through. You have to ask yourself, if you stay what will happen? I think you must realize at 39, this is behavior he has to want to change. It isn't a youthful indiscretion. He is doing drugs and telling you he doesn't see the problem, when you object. Get yourself together, and lean on your parents and friends. I know it hurts.
  5. summerRain

    summerRain New Member

    I am just hoping that your boyfriend would change eventually. Hope he would realize the things that matters to him the most and that is you. If he really mean that he loves you then he should be willing to give up his vices and win you back.
  6. Nelsha

    Nelsha New Member

    Sorry you have to go through this. It sounds like you really love this guy, I understand that it's really hard for you to let him go. But it sounds like you love him more than he loves you. If your boyfriend loved you, he would have chosen to spend time with you more rather than spend it with his friend. Unfortunately, you can't force someone to change their ways. You have to make the decision of whether or not you would be willing to put up with his behavior or leave.

    He has a serious drug and alcohol problem from what you're telling me. You need to look out for yourself. Alcoholism is really hard to kick and usually escalates with time. He would have have to find it within himself to give up the drugs and alcohol for you.
  7. zaerine

    zaerine New Member

    Sad to know that.
    Sometimes love is not enough and we have to choose tough and hurtful decisions to avoid being hurt more. If relationship with him brings pain to you and you are no longer being happy, staying with him is not a good option.
  8. Lee11

    Lee11 New Member

    Ouch. This is a really really tough position to be in, I have been in least, very similar and yes, we loved each other very much - just like the two of you. And where love is, anything is possible. But sometimes tough love is needed, and they need to know that their behavior is going to destroy themselves, their partner and any hopes for a happy future.

    Love means leaving someone sometimes. It does not have to forever. Just because you leave him physically (in order to protect your own heart's integrity), it does not mean that you have to take your love away. Your relationship may evolve into a friendship, or it may grow into a deeper love...but only you can decide.

    Look after you, and maybe this is the incentive he needs to wake up and stop killing staying also means that you are okay with that...and you are not. You will make the right choice, just remember that Love starts with You. Stay strong and it will all come time. Remember your power, the power of your love and use it.
  9. zerospin

    zerospin New Member

    I so understand you.. I used to be in a very similar situation. You can not let this continue, because he will not change, I would have left him the moment he went to his friend after you said he has too choose. He would not find me home the next day. Keep in mind you're 25 - he is 14 years older. He should cheerish and love you, because he is so lucky to have such a young girlfriend, relative to his age. I think he should prove he actually still loves you, because trust me, saying 'I love you' means nothing, if you do not feel loved.
  10. kaclark

    kaclark New Member

    Thanks guys. I just read all of your comments and it makes me feel better. Last night and today we had a serious conversation about it all and I said that he has until the end of the week to figure it out. He keeps saying "don't leave I love you" and then says he will try to change. I said there is no trying.. Either he stops or doesn't. Anyway, I have a test tomorrow and cannot deal with moving until this weekend so that is why I am still here. He seems sad but I know and just like y'all said.. If he really loves me then he will change. Thanks again.
  11. ath3n4

    ath3n4 New Member

    Sweetheart, no matter how much you love him right now if he don't change his destructive ways you won't be in good hands. And I don't think you'll ever be too happy. At least right now, it is not too late to leave him. Can you imagine the life that you and your family will have if you end up with a guy with such destructive vices? :/ In the long run you're still going to end up in a failed marriage. I know it is crazy to think of things that isn't happening yet but the future isn't too distant at all. This could very well happen.

    Find a better man dear. Someone who will treat you better and care about your feelings more.
  12. catowoman

    catowoman New Member

    If I may have a say on what you have to do I will say do that thing that you think is right. Suppress your emotion that’s been hindering you and think of it as the sacrifice that you must do to be able to help yourself and him, too. It’s like the story of the cow. A whole family was dependent with this cow for their daily meal so they stay the same because what the cow provided never changes. But one day they found their cow dead from falling from the cliff. From that day on, they get out from their comfort zone and their lives progress. You have to be firm and strong if you want to get somewhere beautiful far from where you are right now.
  13. dorothyperkins

    dorothyperkins New Member

    It's a wise decision to distance yourself from him. Not only to pause for a moment but to help him realize his mistakes. Sometimes, even how hard we tried to change the person but the person involved does not want to, it is difficult to go and be with that person. It will take time for a person to change. At this time, move on with your life.
  14. Cecil15

    Cecil15 New Member

    That must be a very difficult situation for you to deal with. I think I have encountered such before, but I chose to stay. It is also because of the kids.

    As for your situation, I think you should do something to make your bf realize that life is better without marijuana and alcohol. Maybe when you leave him that he will realize how he neglected you and your relationship so go on, girl! Wish you all the luck. :)
  15. Nelsha

    Nelsha New Member

    Very glad you read our messages. I know it's going to be hard, but you may be confronted with the fact that he may or may not change by then. I am glad that you are standing your ground on this situation and letting him know you mean serious business. You do not deserve to be treated this way and you deserve so much better.

    You will find your answer by the end of the week. I wish you the best of luck.
  16. shaun

    shaun New Member

    It is always difficult to break from someone you love and are attached to but sometimes it is for the best. If he truly loves you and wants to be with you as much as he says he does, he would have made changes to stop upsetting you.
    If you decide to break up with him, you need to be strong and not let him manipulate you with nice words and sweet talk.
  17. mommyjoyce

    mommyjoyce New Member

    It's very very painful to remember having to break up with someone I still loved so much.

    But it happened twice in my life, and though I wished things had been a little different, they weren't. Sometimes, love just ain't enough to stay in a relationship. Especially when you feel very sure that it's not going to be a happy future.

    Weigh your stand, think about your options from all perspectives, before you make final decisions. i wish you strength in your most painful moments, dear.
  18. haopee

    haopee New Member

    You have to let it go, dear friend.

    This guy has been battling with his issues and he has to learn that if he continues his substance abuse, he might end up hurting you. The fact is, even though he ended up in the hospital because of what he did, he is still willing to do it again (with something different this time).

    I know love can be strong but you've given him his chance. Think about yourself and how his actions are starting to make your relationship detrimental to you.

    We all admire your strength and the support you've given him, but he chose his friends over you.

    Oh and I hope you did well on your test.

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