Difficult situation to navigate

Discussion in 'Break Up Forum' started by huynh hoang, Jan 2, 2018.

  1. huynh hoang

    huynh hoang New Member

    I signed up to this forum hopefully to find some good advice.
    It's a somewhat long story to get at... so I will skip to the situation at hand:
    I recently separated at the beginning of the year with the mother of my child.
    We were barely a couple before finding out we were expecting a child (together only 1.5 months, knew each other maybe 8 months total).
    The difficulty in planning for our child led to a lot of resentments that we never recovered from and 3 years later, our son now 3.5 years old - we decided to separate.
    I made some mistakes along the way, for whatever reasons, god knows I've wondered and done some soul searching as to why I made them. I never cheated on her but never the less my transgression(s) broke her trust.
    I accidentally found out she was trying to keep a friendship from me, which was the reason we broke up as the s@!t hit the fan and everything came out.
    Recently we've had some good dialogue, but it remains mostly having to do with the day to day of raising our child. That is the most important thing and am grateful that it is so.
    We have shared custody, 50/50 and do a 2-2-3 rotation as we live only a block away from each other.
    I believe that the early pregnancy deprived us of what we wanted to do... which was take things slow without rushing into anything. I only wish we could try that now. I've expressed this to her, and most recently I asked what she thought about the chances of us reconciling, if she would be open to it. She said to me in 2-3 years. :(
    I recognize that this response is the way you let someone down gently.
    I find we've been getting along now of course.
    It is quite a delicate situation because I have hope of reconciling with her at the base of my heart, but at the same time I am 'getting on with my life' and trying to let go. Because we want to show our son that we can get along, we do spend some time together through activities or dinners. We also have started to get together to share a beer on occasion when our son is sleeping either at my place or hers, depending on who has our son.
    Most of this contact is initiated by myself, until recently as I had mentioned to her that I can't be the only one making efforts with all of above. This past weekend my son wasn't feeling good and he was asking to see me, so she invited me over and we ended up spending the better part of the day together.
    Finally, I thought maybe she had someone else in her life based on some exchanges on the subject. Her responses were slightly ambiguous though so I told her I assumed that she was seeing someone. She says she isn't, but hopes that I accept the time when she will have somebody in her life. She says that she's told me clearly that she has nobody. I think she's telling me the truth, perhaps being a little ambiguous out of pride? I dunno.

    I seek advice more on how to navigate and deal with my conflicting feelings. I mean, is it a good idea for me to 'hang' with her without making any attempts at reconciling or bringing it up? I suppose I could not see her at all, but our son has been expressing directly/indirectly desire for us to do things all together. He's only 3.5 though.
    We both are careful not to encourage the 'all together' for the wrong reasons.

    I dunno. At one point she said to me that she would be pretending, that she doesn't feel that way for me anymore.
    I understand that but doesn't everyone say that people in long term relationships fall in and out of love? That there are times when the feelings aren't there but that they can be rekindled? That stuff happens and people grow stronger after going through it together?

    Any advice is appreciated... even a strategy that accommodates every possibility. Right now, the best I can come up with is status quo. Don't hope too much. Just hope that friendly relations can at some point rekindle something but at the same time getting on with my life. That means playing the field a little when I don't have my son. At the least we can hopefully get over the pain and become friends.

    Thanks in advance
  2. Unnaturalthings

    Unnaturalthings Active Member

    My honest opinion is to seek some couples' counselling with the intention of learning effective and positive ways to co-parent your son. Surely she would agree? This way you can work on your issues together constructively, even just on a friendship/co-parenting basis and then see what happens
  3. Maggie10

    Maggie10 New Member

    I'm not married and don't have a child but I have been in a very long term relationship. My advise is to let her go. Just as the song says - "if you really love her, you've got to set her free. If she returns in kind, I'll know she's mine". You can't really force her to be with you and there's quite the possibility that you only want to get back together because of your son and you don't want to waste the time of your life you already spent with her. I don't think those are good enough reasons. Your son will understand eventually. And hopefully, he'll be happy that you're happy. I suggest stop hanging with your ex-wife. It only will make things more difficult. And if she's going to miss you, that can't happen if she constantly sees you. Give her space. I think you both need that.

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