Double-Standards Fiancee

Discussion in 'Sex Advice' started by Scott Connor, Sep 15, 2017.

  1. Scott Connor

    Scott Connor New Member

    Hello everyone,

    Struggling with something, so came here for some advice. I'll start with a little backround.
    So, been with my fiancee for 4 years. We have lived together for 3 years, engaged for 18 months, and will be married in 6 months. Outside our sex life, things are great. She is dedicated to me, works part time, and runs our flat well.
    Before she moved in to my flat, she did give me fair warning. She was in an abusive relationship for 6 years in her early 20's. She was on occasion, hit. Forced to perform oral, and spend days on end locked in their flat, naked. Sometimes with her abusive ex having a friend over. And she was forced to watch her ex sleep with another woman on more than 1 occasion.
    She finally found the strength to leave him, and a year on, we got together.
    The issues she carries though, require me to be very accommodating. And to date, I have been.
    I have never recieved oral off her, but she insists I give it. This won't necessarily lead to sex. About half the time it does. And with her having major trust issues, she has asked me to never masturbate. Even though she does, cus I have no problem with her doing so (in her words). Even if I see female nudity on tv, it can upset her.
    Essentially, the result has been that I get sex about twice a week, and they are the only times I can orgasm. She gets oral off me about 4 times a week. She also orgasms during sex, and she is free to masturbate (almost daily). Clearly an inbalance.
    I have to date, honoured her requests, in the hope that trust in me will grow. However, it seems to have had the opposite effect. Her control over me grew.
    I am not allowed to go clubbing. Period. Though she 'goes out with the girls', always ends up clubbing. And I know guys will hit on her, she is an attractive girl, with big chest. Which her tight dresses highlight. Also, I can only see my female friend when my fiancee is present. Yet she insists that she get some private time with her 2 guy friends (going pub etc) without me.

    An incident has just caused an argument though, and a bad one. Its led to the start if some changes. Just not sure if its enough.
    We are part of a large group of friends of various ages (18-40) - we are late 20's. Who drink at our local pub. The last few months on Saturdays, we have spent the day at a secluded cove at our local beach (we live in a costal town). We set up a bbq, and take plenty of drinks. Some of the girls look stunning in their bikinis. Though, I work some weekends, and on those Saturday's, I meet them at the pub in the evening. My fiancee still went to the beach in the day.
    After the first time, skinny-dipping started up on the second event. And the third time. I went for the 4th Saturday, and a couple of the girls cried off skinny-dipping cus of 'girl issues'. So it never happened that day. I missed the next three Saturdays, and apparently, the whole group spent most of them afternoons in the nude. Some guys got erections, and my fiancee admits, that between her legs was seen by most of the men in out circle of friends. Not to mention her fantastic breasts.
    The last Saturday I was able to attend. Hoping to see some of our attractive female friends in all their glory, when some of them shot down the idea again. Seemed to only not happen when I attended.
    Finally in the pub that night, one of the guys who goes with his wife told me. My fiancee doesn't want any nudity when I attend. And she gets some of the girls to stop it happening.
    My fiancee and I had a massive fight. She cried. Told me how she can't handle me seeing any other girls naked. Saying she should be enough for me. When I point out her seeing naked men, she claims its different for girls. They don't want to sleep with every naked man they see. When I say that I don't like other men seeing her naked, she argues its her body, and she has the right to decide who sees it. And that I am starting to sound like her ex, trying to control her.
    I got to point where I packed some things, I was going to leave her. She begged me. I finally got an apology. And she has agreed to start to make things a bit fairer.
    I am 'allowed' to watch programmes with female nudity now. Like Game of Thrones. Though my fiancee cries sometimes when a naked girl is shown on it. She has also promised to stop going clubbing. And the beach nudity will end. (Even though I feel cheated on it all - but the change in weather will stop it anyways)
    However, she wants to keep our sex-life the same. Her reasons are fairly logical. She says that cus I only get to orgasm with her, about twice a week. We have a healthy and active sex life. We have some kind of sex most nights. And that's cus, with myself being kind of rationed, I always want sex. And cus she gets sex how she wants it and likes it, she also always wants sex. She tells me about her friends and their sex lives, and she has a point. I would really like the freedom to orgasm more, but struggling on the logical arguments which do keep our sex life active. My last relationship sex did deteriorate. I know my masturbating was a factor in that. What do other people think? Appreciate anyones thoughts on it all.
    Many thanks.
  2. Unnaturalthings

    Unnaturalthings Active Member

    What she's doing is unfair. While I empathize with her past situation, she cannot use that as an excuse to control you or expect the "rules" to be different for you than her. Why should you be treated as though you are a criminal needing to be monitored? It would make me very angry if I were told that I was "not allowed" to do things while my partner did them freely. It is only going to breed resentment. You should be on equal footing with her, and you are not. I would also be offended if my partner went to our group of friends behind my back to inform them that I was again, "not allowed" to be present during skinny dipping. That's humiliating and there are many implications with that. Not to mention that she herself took part, and somehow I doubt that she asked your permission beforehand.

    My thoughts are that if you want this relationship to continue, a professional needs to be involved. She has been through something really traumatic, and it appears that even you asserting your feelings to her (which you should be and have every right to) is triggering her. I feel that if you are both willing, a couples counsellor could help to put things into a safe and fair context with you both. You shouldn't have to keep living in a situation where your freedoms are suppressed and hers are allowed to flourish.
    Scott Connor likes this.

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