Family used to ignore me, now they want a "relationship" with me

Discussion in 'Family Issues' started by StevenGold, Aug 17, 2016.

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Should you ignore family that used to ingore you, but now wants a relationship?

  1. Y

    0 vote(s)
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  2. N

    1 vote(s)
    50.0%
  3. Undecided

    1 vote(s)
    50.0%
  1. StevenGold

    StevenGold New Member

    Hey everyone,

    first post on this forum. Ive endlessly googled my situation to see if anyone can relate or has gone through similar things. Its getting to the point where Im at a crossroads and have to make a decision. Any advice is appreciated! Would love to hear if anyone has had similar situations, and to talk about it

    I moved out when I was 17 to pursue a degree in music. My family didn't really agree with my choice and wanted me to get a 4 year degree in something more "realistic". 5 years later, Im a music professional and work at a Label. I make descent money, but money doesn't really mean much when you're lonely and have no one to share it with. I have one person i consider to be my best friend, but other than that my co-workers are the closest thing to friends for me.

    From the time I was 17-19 my family ignored me for the most part. Wouldn't answer my calls or messages. And during the holidays they would call to tell me "Sorry, we've been so busy." and then proceed to tell me how their life is going. I would be engaged, asking questions & talking about their life. Hoping they would maybe ask about how my life is going, of course that would never happen. Over time, the resentment I felt only grew.

    I remember last year, my moms friend asked me "So what do you do?" and so i told them, "I work at a record label" and my mom, was like, "wait, really? you do? i had no idea." my heart sank when she said that, because it sort of blew my mind that my mum's friend was more interested in my life than she was.

    At 19 I moved across the country to Nashville (mainly for my career) and I gave up talking to them around a year ago, deciding to just ignore them "back". For whatever reason, theyve really been trying to get ahold of me lately, saying they miss me & "havent heard from me". My aunt even texted that she wanted to visit me, since shes going to be in Nashville this month anyway. A part of me wants to visit her too, but the other part of me knows I wouldnt be able to hold a fake smile, and have small talk with her like she wants.

    ___________________________________________________________________________

    On mother's day my mom texted me: "not even a phone call or text for Mothers day? people that arent even my family texted me today, and you cant even make the time for me? :( "

    Heres the problem i have... If I truly want to be in someones life.. Im going to BE in the life... every week of the year. Not just on mother's day, not just on Christmas, and Not just on their birthday. As I read the text from my mom, I couldnt help but think, "Okay, so youre upset that I didnt text you on mother's day... thats understandable, But what about all the other days of the freaking year?? are those unimportant? should family only give a shit about each other on holidays?? what about when i was living in my car, or got my first job at a studio... or what about the day my car broke down in the rain, 50 miles out of town, feeling lonely as hell. with no friends or family to help me out. Why is it that society deems holidays/birthdays/etc more important than those days??

    Im just not cool with this sort of "small talk/work casual" relationship my family wants. Maybe they want a deep relationship with me now (probably not) but either way, i have too much resentment of the past to just accept it.

    I think its inevitable that someones gonna ask if Ive considered talkeing to them about it.. And sometimes I want to have an "all out" deep conversation with them, throwing everything on the table. Telling them how i feel.

    But truth is, ive only thrown hints at them, hoping they would catch on. Because I believe if you really want to be in someone's life, you will be in their life every week of the damn year, not just the holiday weeks that we deem as a society to be days that you're supposed to call your family. I have a strict belief that you should only allow yourself to be in someone's life who also wants to be in yours. And I know that if I were to talk to them about it, Im certain i wouldnt be able to hold back. I would let them know how shitty life has been, and how lonely I was. I dont want to hurt them... but know that if I talk to them, theyre going to be feeling pain in their heart too.

    Wow, didnt expect to write that much. Anywho, im glad i got to vent and would love to hear your thoughts! Im truly not a bitter person, I just need some outside, unbiased opinions maybe. I carry alot of resentment, but truth be told I just need to make a decision. Comments are appreciated!
     
  2. eve.ashley

    eve.ashley Well-Known Member

    I don't think you're bitter at all. You just want your relationships to be deep, loving and meaningful. Your family is neither intelligent nor human enough to give you this. They are shallow and self absorbed.

    You answered your own question:

    Im just not cool with this sort of "small talk/work casual" relationship my family wants. Maybe they want a deep relationship with me now (probably not) but either way, i have too much resentment of the past to just accept it.

    So, do not let them back in, in fact tell them to leave you alone. They will not change now, they would continue to hurt you and make you resentful if you let them back in,

    You deserve better. Look for partner and freinds a family you will choose, and choose people who will be loving and sportive...I know you're lonely, but shallow, narcissistic family will not help with that, they will jsut make your resentful and more lonely...

    We are all lonely, personally I'd rather be alone, even lonely than in bad company.

    BTW, well done on your education and career. You are a hard working, successful, loving, thinking man, you deserve the best quality relationships not glib headf*ucks to upset you and frustrate you...

    Get rid of your family they can't give you anything you need and will shove in you loads of stuff you don't, if you let them.
     
  3. StevenGold

    StevenGold New Member

    Thanks for sharing your thoughts on my situation! And I agree, I'm totally content being alone, the only thing holding me back from telling them to leave me alone is a part of me that says "well, they're trying now aren't they?" And it's left me paralyzed so I haven't responded to them
     
  4. eve.ashley

    eve.ashley Well-Known Member

    You how they say that the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again expecting a different result. Your family hasn't changed, they are trying yes, but they are the same buggers that make you miserable. Don't be afraid to treat people how they deserve or to put yourself first.
     
  5. StevenGold

    StevenGold New Member

    Very true!
     
    eve.ashley likes this.

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