First relationship fight, what to do after?

Discussion in 'Dating Advice' started by ireneypoo, Jul 2, 2013.

  1. ireneypoo

    ireneypoo New Member

    My boyfriend and I have been dating for 4 months since a few days ago and we recently had our first relationship fight. It was concerning how every time we made plans together, it would never happen due to something always happening the day of or day before concerning him. The last time we saw each other has been a week ago, where we were supposed to have plans but he had to go home because he pulled an all nighter in addition to being sick. That made me angry and so I brought it up over text the next day wanting to talk about it. He ignored me that day, and then waited until the day after to reply back. Yes, yes, texting isn't the best way to solving problems, but I couldn't meet up with him as you know the fight is also about not being able to meet up with him when planned. After our fight, we resolved much of what we argued about. We told each other how we felt, and in the end how we would improve and such. I thought it wasn't too bad of a conclusion. The day after, he was a bit cold, for example, instead of saying the usual "Morning Babe <3" it turned to a "Morning!" I know I shouldn't expect things to smooth out so quickly and understood there was still some tension and awkwardness between us, so I let it go for a day. The next day turned out to be the same, and here I am today, 3 days later, and him still acting the same way. A bit cold, and a feeling of distance. I feel like I'm the one trying hard to keep being sweet and loving to him and keeping the convo going as well as I can, while he just answers and that's all. He hasn't even asked me how my day was the past days, or what I've done. Considering not having been able to see him for a week, should I ask him to hang out? I feel that hanging out again finally would help us move on and get back on the right road, a better one than now, but then again I feel that I should instead wait for him to ask me to hangout instead because I've asked him out many times, where he hasn't actually been able to show up. I actually do want to see him as I miss not spending time with him. I wonder if he feels the same. Should I wait for him to ask me? Will this tension go away soon, as he might need more time to cool down? Or am I just being a total worry wart and just relax. How should I handle this coldness; approach him about it, or stop and ignore it?
  2. FacingFive

    FacingFive New Member

    Every time you make plans he backs out at the last minute? Do I have that right? Is that how you treat someone you really want to be with?
    Sure I understand that he was sick this time, but is he chronically ill? Does he usually cancel on you because he got sick?

    Now I have no way of knowing if he's being cold because his feelings were hurt by things you said in the heat of argument or if he's backing off because (gulp) he doesn't want to be with you anymore.

    Since he's been flakey with you since day one, no amount of yelling or promises will change him. Either he's just the kind of person who doesn't like to keep plans or he's not totally committed to the relationship. If you sense that his feelings were hurt byt he argument, talk to him. If you sense that he's backing off from you, than you need to back off too. Make plans with friends, be busy be upbeat about it. Show him that you're a fun person to be around and if he doesn't want to be with you its his loss.
  3. ireneypoo

    ireneypoo New Member

    Well backing out last minute usually because either the weather was terrible, he overslept, his mom is mad at him, and the time he was sick, he was also dead tired because he hadn't slept all night. To put in words, he's basically irresponsible. But what he did was not on purpose, he did not make up excuses saying he's going to go and hang with his friends instead. The day he was sick and tired, he was still willing to hang out with me, but I told him to go home because he wasn't feeling well; his health is more important that hanging out.

    He said I did hurt his feelings that I apparently "assumed" bad things about him, that I thought he didn't want to hang out with me, and that I thought he was doing this on purpose. He said it hurts him too when plans get cancelled, and he feels bitter about it. I told him my feelings and in the end, we resolved it by telling each other how we would improve. We both were serious.

    Now the backing out part, I'm not sure what it means. We can still have a conversation, however it's not like before, kind of hard to explain.

    No, he hasn't been flakey since day one, it's just the four times exactly. We have hung out in between in a way, for example, at his house and going to the movies and going out with a group of friends together, however, when we actually plan things for ourselves, something usually happens. The last real date we actually planned was perhaps 2 months ago.

    You think he's not totally committed, like in what way? We did talk about our feelings during the argument. Maybe it's left over tension. Today he did say back "Morning <3" which in a way relieved me. I know I might sound a bit ridiculous by judging on texts and the added heart, but he didn't do that for the last three days and only said "Morning!" Should I back off like you said? I don't want to give off a feeling of not caring at all. Tbh, I don't want to break up with him, he's a great guy if you subtracted all the cancelled plans. He's sweet, understanding, and caring.

    I want to hang out with him because maybe it might fix this coldness, but like I said before, maybe waiting for him would be the best. I want to try in the relationship and only break up until I feel like he really doesn't care in the least.

    I want to make plans with people but most cannot hang out, so usually I stay home. Soon however, I will be starting my summer job so I will be quite busy. He also might get a job, due to his job interview today.

    This is all so confusing and I'm sorry for the length of this aha.

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