Girlfriend had risky sex with others, but won't do it with me

Discussion in 'Sex Advice' started by Rich4567, Nov 14, 2013.

  1. Rich4567

    Rich4567 New Member

    I just got engaged to my girlfriend of 4 years. We are both in our 40s. We both love each other, and have had a "normal" sexual past history. She has said many times, convincingly, that sex with me is the best she has ever had. Over our time together, I have suggested on a number of occasions that we have sex in a risky place in public. Nearly all of the time, she comes up with a reason why she does not want to do it, such as being too scared to do it, even if it is obvious that we will not get caught (public swimming pool at night, for example).

    However, a few days ago, in a slightly tipsy state, she asked me where were the craziest places I ever had sex. I could not come up with anything. However, she told me that she had sex in public in the past with other guys. She named about 5 times she had done it, and I am guessing there are more. At least one of the incidents occurred only a few years before she met me. I am thinking that the only explanation is that she is not as sexually attracted to me as she was with the other guys she has been with. After this sunk in for about a day, I could not sleep, I was nauseous over this, and I was afraid to bring it up with her, since she would then perceive me as being insecure and would not tell me things in the future. I do not want to be the "nice relationship guy" that she is "settling" for, while she has had hotter sex with other guys.

    I decided to speak to her about it, as tactfully as I could. I am still feeling inadequate though. She basically said that these "public" places to her were not risky in her mind, since it was at night and there was no one else around, and it was basically like having sex in a closet. She also added that most of these events occurred 20+ years ago, when she had less inhibitions. I did not find out if these were dates or ONS. She says that the sex WE had was more risky to her - such as in a car during daylight hours.

    She did have a ONS about 9 years ago (only 5 years before she met me) on the beach at night, but she said there was no one around and she did not see any danger. I asked her what she would do if I suggested that we do something like that, and she said that she would not have a problem with it. However, I feel that she is possibly "forcing" herself to do it, and I do not want that. She said that when I had previously suggested a swimming pool at night, since it was near other houses, she thought it was too risky. She again reassured me that she is in love with me and loves having sex with me. She stressed that we should concentrate on the future, and not about the past.

    I certainly cannot ask her about any more details, since she was crying and was implying that I was calling her past behavior slutty (I wasn't), and I was showing my insecurities. I really tried not to be accusatory. The thing that still bugs me, is: if she thought that there was no danger in doing any of those things in the past, then why do them at all? Doesn't a person do it for the rush? For the possibility that they may get caught? In other words, it seems to me that she is not being totally honest with me when she implies that the public sex meant nothing to her. She named these as the "craziest" places she had sex. That means to me, that she was hotter for these other guys.

    Please help! How should I handle this?
  2. steph84

    steph84 New Member

    I think the first thing you need to do is talk to her about this. Ask her what her worries are about this and maybe ask her if she will do this just once in a while and not all the time. Maybe it has something to do with her age and she feels like she is too old to engage in that type of behavior.
  3. Vikram Anand

    Vikram Anand New Member

    I agree with steph84.
    You got to have open talks with your girlfriend and shed away all your doubts and inhibitions.
    That would pave the way for good relationship between two of you.
  4. MyPaperBleedsInk

    MyPaperBleedsInk New Member

    Here's the thing - it's NOT obvious that you wont get caught. And if you get caught you have the potential to be registered as a sex offender. She's right to be nervous about it. Sure it was fun back in the day, but maybe now she's realizing how risky it really is. Being caught could potentially ruin a career or a public image, a relationship with family.

    The location sexual activity takes place does not determine whether or not the sex or relationship was better with those given people. She's with you now, isn't she? Doesn't that tell you something?

    Don't put so much meaning into her past relationships, especially the locations she slept with this guys at. Focus more on your own - have fun together, being able to be open honest about your feelings and what you want.
  5. houdini

    houdini New Member

    You are absolutely showing you insecurities here. If you don't mind, I'm going to break down what you've said here.

    This should be the end of the story here. There should be no more story. You should be happy with this. You are engaged to a woman you have great sex with and she loves you. You are living the dream.

    Guess what? You are the nice relationship guy, because she is engaged to be married to you. That doesn't mean she's settling, but that doesn't mean you are the hottest. But she does find you attractive, good in bed and more importantly a compatible partner that she would like to spend the rest of her life with. Get that through your head. She loves you, not the men in her past. Past is past, you have got a great woman now. Act like it or that will soon be in the past, too.

    Really? You're letting sex 20+ years ago bother you? You've been together for four. Do the math. I repeat, she's with you now. She wasn't back then. Your past is yours, hers is hers. Also, you're nitpicking. But I want public sex on the beach, not in a car!

    So you get what you want, and you still can't be happy because now she's forcing it. Well, maybe she is because she grew up and now you whine until she agrees to have sex with you on the beach. But she's willing to do it! For you! Do I have to point out that this woman loves you again?

    She's also extremely intelligent.

    People do dumb crap when they're young, and now and then they like to reminisce about it, laugh about it. Grow up, quit trying to get into a pissing contest with these guys she knew 20+ years ago. They are no threat to your relationship. Your own insecurities are.
  6. Wrangler Jane

    Wrangler Jane New Member

    When I was on vacation with my boyfriend we were making out in a pool at night, reserved for hotel guests only, no one else was around, at least until some famlily showed up. Thank goodness that's all we were doing.

    I went to a meeting the other night of a club my BF and I belong to. a lot has changed in 20 yrs. One of the club members is a security guard, and he said he has all kinds of nice in focus color video of people doing various things in public places. There are cameras everywere nowadays. Also, like someone mentioned, if the police are involved, you and her are technically sex offenders.

    When I read your post, I thought basically the same thing as what houdini and the woman before him said.
  7. KingHenry

    KingHenry New Member

    Do you really need the risky sex?

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