Help me, I may be about to make a big mistake

Discussion in 'Marital Problems' started by St3veyB, Jul 12, 2017.

  1. St3veyB

    St3veyB New Member

    Hello all,

    I am in a pretty serious situation in that I have just married a woman (27) who I am not even sure that I (31) am fully in love with.

    It's a bit of a long story, but stay with me please. I am a UK national, but I currently work abroad in a middle eastern country. My girlfriend (of 4 years) and I decided to get married in order to allow her to move out with me. We were already due to get married at the end of the year and are still in the process of planning to, however we brought the legal part of the wedding forward and left the vows and ceremony with family etc until the end of the year. So technically we are married, but not officially going by the term, not until we have the ceremony.

    I love this girl completely. Or at least I think I do. I enjoy her company, most of the time, and every now and again I get a feeling thinking there is no-one else I'd rather be here right now with than with you.

    Unfortunately, a lot of the time she irritates me. Bugs me. Not intentionally. Just her attitude towards things, her negativity and just talking too much. It sounds horrible but I just want to tell her to shut up! Just stop going on about stuff which has already been discussed at length.

    Sex is also a major issue. For me at least. Forgive me for being graphic, but I enjoy more dirty sex. I love to give oral. I enjoy fingering a girl. Toying her and making her cum in whatever way possible. Fingers, thumbs, tongues and toys. No limits. I'm not overly bothered about myself getting off. I just get a thrill out of playing with her until she orgasms. This is what gives me pleasure. As long as I get my dick in at some point then I'm happy.

    Her, not so much. Initially it started ok. We had a lot of sex. She kept the light off. I gently coaxed her into lights on using candles and low lights until she became confident enough for sex in which I could see her. Sex is visual for me. I enjoy looking at a naked woman. (I would love for her to strip for me but she just won't) I know that her confidence levels were low when we started out. They have improved slightly but sex still isn't the way I'd like it. We bought some toys. Her favourite being a 'hitachi' type vibrator which unfortunately now comes out EVERY time we have sex. I have discussed this with her but she says it enhances the sex and is nothing to worry about. You could say if she needs the toy then maybe it's something I'm doing wrong. But she won't allow me to do what I know I can to make sex better. Even in the early days, sex wasn't quite as I'd like it. She doesn't particularly like guys going down on her, (which I love, enjoy and from what I've seen am reasonably good at) and doesn't like people fingering her. (with which I can do some of my best work) Also her default emotion is that she is cold, and so, when in the Uk at least, she insists on doing it under the covers. Most of the time now, sex is in the missionary position. Vibrator out. We continue until we've orgasmed and then clean up after. In all honesty a lot of the time I'd get more pleasure from masturbating.

    I work away a lot and watch porn. I enjoy it. I tend to watch more amateur stuff where a girl strips off on webcam. My wife is quite reluctant to show herself to me via picture or video whilst I'm away and even when we're together it is difficult to get her to display herself to me. I'd enjoy her naked body. No matter how many compliments I give she just isn't that way. I just feel she isn't the 'seductive' kind.

    There doesn't seem to be any passion. There's certainly no laughter or fun about it like I've had with previous partners. Even when I french kiss her it just doesn't seem right.

    I once tried to break it off with her a few years back when I told her I wasn't sure If I loved her. She burst into tears and she vowed to bring the love back to the relationship. I chatted at length to my best friend about it, who persuaded me to stick at it. Relationships take work. We did go on better, and I did/do still deep down love her and a few years after that I proposed feeling it was the right thing to do. (Especially with the job in the middle east coming up)

    Long story short. I long for other women. I fantasize and dream about them. I chat to girls in social situations and think "why can't she be like you?" I would never dream of cheating on my wife.(I've been cheated on in the past, which may explain some of my behaviour) I hate that I think this way and feel guilty for it. In reality though I am not getting what I need in this relationship. Surely I shouldn't be thinking like this if I did truely love her? I'm going to speak with her soon about it. But how the hell do I even bring it up?? "Err, you're a shit kisser and I don't like having sex with you." That's going to go down well.

    The wedding ceremony plans are ongoing. We still get on well. I kind of feel maybe I just need to work on it more and that maybe all couples feel this way at some point. Or maybe it's because at this current point in time, she is home in the UK and I am abroad? All situations considered, I'm a doosch for letting it get this far. If I do nothing and let it continue. Get fully married and it falls apart, even though I knew about it. I'm a dick. If I call it all off whilst we are in the planning stages and have paid for a lot of the wedding. I'm a dick. If it falls apart before hand because I didn't try hard enough to make it work then end up single for the rest of my life. I'm a dick.

    Lose/lose for me at the moment. Please give honest feedback. If I've been an idiot. Say so.

    Appreciate any opinion. Thanks.
  2. LoveAdmin

    LoveAdmin Administrator Staff Member

    Have you considered doing some couple sex therapy?
  3. Beccy

    Beccy New Member

    Sex therapy may be in order. Please never cheat on her
  4. advi

    advi New Member

    I think so too
  5. drsky

    drsky Member

    Hello there,
    Yes agreed, you both need to go to a sexologist ( a Dr who is well versed with an individuals sexual behaviors, interests{typical / atypical}, functions etc etc. They may also run some blood tests, hormonal levels, scans to ensure the appropriate functionality if it is necessary; since in certain couples, one may have some higher or lower hormones or some parts of the brain can be more active than the rest than their counterpart, which can lead to sexual disharmony in the couples.
    Do talk to your spouse in a calm subtle manner, let her know what is bothering you(not all in a days time), slowly and in a matter of couple of weeks do open upto her. If you are not able to voice out, do give it in writing certain aspects, so she may come to terms. At the same time, from your side, try not to expect a change immediately or with everything, which can lead to frustration and disappointment. Change and harmonization takes time.
    And be aware that there are ways to get much deeper levels of satisfaction with even just a standard physical intercourse. This is where yoga and meditation comes in. They do have yoga and meditation just for couples to enrich their sex lives and keep them bound together meaningfully for life. It is the dual strong inner connection between a couples body, mind and soul entwined with the DIVINE within, it is a spiritual path that each couple should take to keep them connected in all aspects, since from the DIVINE all good things come. So nothing to be ashamed of.


    And pray to GoD daily(for GOD is love) and GOD CAN bring love into your relationship; and help couples and singles seeking love and marriage as much as possible, so that positive karma/action will bring love into your life.

    Wish you the best,
    Last edited: May 6, 2018
  6. Peter James

    Peter James New Member

    I think you need specialist help. You have sex mania. Does your wife handle your games morally?

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