Help: My boyfriend has seriuos complexes because of my sexual past

Discussion in 'Relationship Questions' started by coffee00, Dec 10, 2017.

  1. coffee00

    coffee00 New Member

    Please, I need help.

    Long story short:
    He (26) and me (29) have been together for three monthes. It was intense. We were seeing each other every day, sleeping over almost every night. Little by little he found out that I was slut. More and more I realized that he is right. Now he is a complete mess and I am asking for advise, how to help him out of this. this is about him. How to make him feel better! Not about how to safe the relationship.

    I am in love with this wonderfull person like I have never been before. This is the first time I am going: "This is it! This is real!" But I am making one seriuos mistake after another... We fell in love and only after some time found out how different we were in the past.
    Now my, before otherwise happy, boyfriend is in a realy bad state:
    Can't sleep or has horrible dreams about my sexual past, he is questioning weither he is attractive or good in bed, weither he can trust me at all... Can't concentrate.. Can't work.
    His family is just as worried.

    My past:
    I had many partners and was sexually active and have had a three some, sex with another women, anal sex. Like Grisham wrote: if you cross a line enough times, it disappears forever. The thing is, sex and my body where nothing valuable to me. You may say I was a slut. It doesn't matter. I am deeply ashamed. But that is not important right now.

    He is going to pieces. Comparing himself to 9 other men. Having complexes he never had before.

    There was one situation that initially started the complex, when I was not as wet as I thought, I should be regarding how attractive he is and how deeply in love I am. I thought, he would notice and didn't want him to feel insecure. But I acted like a complete idiot. He is long and it was painfull for me. Well, sometimes you just need a little more time and you can fit a longer penis, right. So I tried to explain. But what he heard was just: You are not as sexually attractive as my partners in the past. You are the problem. You are not good enough.
    I have always had difficulties reaching orgasm. I told him so in the beginning. But he feels that he is not a good enough lover.

    I told him that I like how he is treating me. I love his body. But no matter what: He can't believe it. Because it sounds to him, as though every compliment is worthless. When I say: You smell good. I love your hair. ... He thinks: She told this six oder five guys before. How can I be unique?

    He suggested, I should tell him when he is unique to me. And was affraid that there just is nothing unique. But facing the way he processes everything I say i just don't know how.
    Everything I say seems to make it worse.

    I am sseking advice. Especially from men whom had simular feelings or experiences. I do not want hear anything about him overreacting. He has his values. He did choose a path in a young age, because he was convinced of it. He has only slept with his first girlfriend. I can't give him this exclusiveness. I can't change my past.
    How did you feel? What did you wish your partner to say? Or do?

    Do you have any ideas how to cope with this? We are spending time. Trying to have sex. Sometimes he can just be in the moment and forget. But then he remebers, his fantasy running amok... so far anything I told him about my past was much worse that his worst case scenario.

    Last edited: Dec 10, 2017
  2. Unnaturalthings

    Unnaturalthings Active Member

    This is something that comes up again and again from both sexes. You are FAR from alone. I have also been in your shoes before. It's not fun.

    First off- please stop calling yourself a "slut." You are an adult. You had sex, you had threesomes, you experimented, you had fun and enjoyed your body and many others. That does not make you dirty. That does not make you a slut. That does not mean that you don't respect yourself or don't deserve love. I get a guilty, down on yourself vibe from you, that I'm sure has been compounded by your boyfriend's reaction to your past. Because he has been with so few people, you feel bad and wrong by comparison. Not true.

    This is a very hard issue to resolve. You cannot change anything you have or haven't done, and neither can he. He must learn to accept you- and the experiences that made you YOU- or this relationship is in trouble. This is not something that you can do, he must overcome his insecurities and get over it. He is experiencing what is called "retroactive jealousy" A lot of resources can be found online about this very common phenomenon.

    Good luck, and please know that your value as a woman has not been diminished one little bit because of what you did in the past.
    coffee00 likes this.
  3. coffee00

    coffee00 New Member

    Thank you very much for your time and thoughts!
    The trouble is, how I coped with it. I have been with quiet a few people. And I did not use a condom when giving blow jobs. Before we met I got tested on some diseases, but far from all. Before I started using hormonal contraception I asked my doctor to test me on everything. But she denied. I instited on chlamydia. But I did not talk to him. He figures that I played and risked his health. I really don't know how to explain. All of this was normal to me for such a long time.
  4. Unnaturalthings

    Unnaturalthings Active Member

    I don't like how your doctor denied your request for thorough STI testing. It is your right to have this performed, and I think you may want to consider seeing someone else for testing so you can put that fear out of your mind.

    You were with lots of people (and "lots" is subjective depending on who you ask. 50 partners may be low for some and impossibly high for others) Being with lots of people is not abnormal. I'm glad that you are seeing the risks of having unprotected sex and are choosing to do things differently in the future. However, my thoughts still stand that you have not done anything wrong, and you should not be punished or degraded for things you did before you were with this guy
  5. JustSomePerson

    JustSomePerson New Member

    To weigh in on this from a male perspective, my current girlfriend has had a LOT of partners. She actually doesn't know how many. I've been a little afraid to ask for a number. I've slept with 13 people. I'm 28, and she's 45, and I was worried about being able to please an older woman, especially since she's been fairly promiscuous in the past. We've been very open with each other about our sexual histories, and we live in a smaller city (about 70,000 people), so it's hard to go places without seeing people you know. Which means it's actually hard to go places without seeing people she's slept with. Some of them, she's still friends with, and still sees. I've shaken their hands and given them hugs. It's all water under the bridge.

    Now, I will say, that she has experiences with me and feelings about me that she's never had with anyone else, not even her ex husband of 15 years. So, that helps to squash my insecurities. I believe her when she tells me I'm the best she's ever had. So, to be fair, it might be easier for me because of how she feels about me. Maybe you don't feel the same about this guy, and he's not the best you've ever had? Maybe you do, and he his? If not, have you told him that so you guys can work on it, or did you lie and say he was?

    It sounds to me like he just has some growing up to do. He needs to believe you when you encourage him, and learn to focus on the now. The love you feel for one another in the present, if indeed it is love you feel.

    There's my two cents!

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