His great grandmother is wrecking our relationship. Need advice please.

Discussion in 'Family Issues' started by Yvette615, Jul 5, 2016.

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Would it be fair to ask him to have the great grandma move out of his house?

Poll closed Aug 4, 2016.
  1. Yes

    0 vote(s)
    0.0%
  2. No

    2 vote(s)
    100.0%
  1. Yvette615

    Yvette615 New Member

    So let me begin by stating that I've been dating my boyfriend for almost 10 months now, and he has repeatedly told me that he doesn't want to break up and actually wants to start a family with me. He's 33 years old and I'm 32. The only issue is that he is still living with his great grandmother who is 92 years old and raised him (so she's been practically his mother). She does everything for him like cooking and picking up after him. She has spoiled him rotten to be frank and treats him as if he were still a teenager. I know she seems very old, but she's in a perfect state of health and her memory is still intact. In other words, she's going to be around for a very long time. The problem is that she has started to interfere very much in our relationship, and I don't know how to handle the situation anymore.

    My boyfriend has told me that his great grandma has ruined almost all of his previous relationships including one where he had a live-in girlfriend for 2 years. This girl put up with the old woman during that entire time and they fought everyday. From my personal experience my best guess is that his great grandma was the one who started all the fights because she is very confrontational and will insult you right to your face. She has done this with me on several occasions and all I do is ignore her and walk away. Because of her advanced age I don't talk back to her. The tip of the iceberg was when she recently said out loud with both my boyfriend and I in the room that one day he's (i.e. my boyfriend) going to find a lucky girl to settle down with. That was the ultimate insult for me. At least my boyfriend stood up for me then, but he's never stern with her. I know he respects her, but I feel that unless he puts his foot down and tells her directly to butt out of his personal life, then the great grandma will continue to feel as if she's still queen of the house. Mind you, that house belongs to my boyfriend, not her.

    It's so bad that it's getting to a point where my boyfriend is asking me to stop coming over to his house because of his great grandma. My fear is that we will start seeing each other less, and that will ultimately lead to the end of our relationship. I haven't left him because I think he's the one. I can see a future with him. But at the moment because he has the old woman to contend with, our relationship is at a stand still. We can't even live together because of his great grandma. No one else in the family wants to take her in and she doesn't want to move out so my boyfriend is stuck with her for a while. He's already depressed about the situation because he thinks I'm going to ultimately leave him just like his other girlfriends did because of his great grandma.

    What do I do in this situation? I don't want him to kick her out, but it would be nice if her attitude could change. She's possessive and jealous and wants to be the only woman in my boyfriend's life. It's sickening how rude she can be. I'm at my breaking point and don't want to put up with this for years (or however long she will be alive for, candidly speaking). What shall I do?
     
  2. eve.ashley

    eve.ashley Well-Known Member

    Frankly, I'd leave the guy. I would not ask anyone to stop living with their mum for me, they should do that for themselves only. She is in good health and mental capacity and they live together coz they like it. I married a guy who had a similar reationship with his sister. I do not know any other adult that would agree to such life arrangements and I got a lot of abuse form her and it's my own fault coz I was stupid. No other adult I know, man or a woman. would agree to marry a guy who lives with his strange and creepy sister, I am the only fool, I know, who thought that could work...I feel so ashamed of that...

    I feel super ashamed of not being reasonable enough to say I like you but three is a crowed and broke up with the guy...Instead he gave me some sob story of poor him and his poor sister, and I bought into it like a sucker...Your guy has a super unhealthy relationship with his mum and no will or way, or guts to change it, he's 33...What does that tell you about the man? You're not a bad person if you have standards...You don't have any standards right now, for whatever reason. I want to ask you what sort of standards could possibly a guy like him meet to make you think he's the one? Other then doesn't eat children? You are setting the bar very low if this man will do.

    I'm not judging you, I've been there... For me I was told I had commitment issues, by people, that I run from love, i was 31 never been married, proposed to 3 times, and I was just desperate. Desperate to prove I don't have issues, desperate to make a crazy piece of shit psycho guy into "the one". I've ignored the red flags, I've ignored my intuition, I've ignored the way I usually respond and I married a guy I did not know well, and his very strange sister who clearly hated me...

    Now, I feel shamed I did that...I really do. I was ashamed to tell my now husband about my 5 months long marriage that was some sort of desperate, erratic and crazy move...

    Now this is me, you are a different person, with a different situation but please tell us what sort of standards could this man actually meet that make him the one? Why is an infantile guy who lives with his mum at 33 the one? Don't you deserve a mature man?

    He is living with his mum, no matter who owns the house she tells him who to have over, he is living with his mum more than my 16 year old son would live with me, coz I could not tell him not to have his gf over if he was doing well in school and she wasn't a serial killer...It's called letting your child assert himself. To me this looks insane that you are even ringside this guy...I also know what it feels like to be that girl, considering a totally unworthy guy. if you expect him to say thank you, lol, he won't. He thinks there's nothing wrong in living with your mum at 33, or he would change it. Why are you settling for this bozo?
     
    Yvette615 likes this.
  3. Yvette615

    Yvette615 New Member

    Almost everything you've said here are things that I have told myself at one point or another. In a different post you made, you referred to his great grandma as his "sexless wife." I've thought the same too! She does double as a wife for him of sorts, and it's gross.

    Just the mere fact that she does absolutely everything for him is frightening because it means he's too lazy to do anything for himself. He would expect me to be as subservient as his grandma has been.

    You also have said he's infantile. I agree that he is immature. There are a lot of things about him that I'm leaving out, and if I told you some more details about his prior dating history and what his current interests are, you would tell me that I'm crazy for even giving him the time of day. Everyone tells me, including my own family, that I could definitely do a lot better.

    Which leads me to my next point: I think he could be the one because we have excellent chemistry. While we don't have many things in common, it feels like we're right for each other. Also I'm already comfortable with him at this point (it's been 10 months). I honestly can't see myself with a different man.

    Perhaps my standards are too low. But ironically I've been told that my standards were too high. When I envisioned the kind of man I wanted to end up with, it was almost the opposite of my boyfriend. But friends have told me that such a man as the one I consider ideal doesn't exist.

    Honestly my boyfriend could be much worse. He could be a drunk, a junkie and/or even a bar-hopping womanizer, but he isn't any of these things. He doesn't even go to clubs of any sort. On the contrary, he's a responsible working adult and pays for most if not all the bills. He doesn't take money from his grandma. Sure he has his faults, but who doesn't?

    He has said that he doesn't want to put his grandma into a home as that would be the only option because no one else, not even her own children, want to keep her. In my opinion he just got the short end of the stick and is stuck with her. And I find it pretty admirable that he took on the responsibility of caring for the old woman.

    But she's independent and that's what confuses me. She doesn't need any taking care of. She can live on her own despite being 92 years old. She already does everything for my boyfriend (i.e. cook, clean and even yard work). I admit he's lazy and I would bet he would expect me to be just as subserviant as his grandma (which I don't see myself in that type of role as I work full-time, have my own house and am very independent).

    Perhaps I can do better and I'm lowering my standards too much with this guy. But I don't have much dating experience to be honest. I won't get into the details as that would merit a totally different thread, but most men find me very unattractive due to a facial scar that I have on my chin. It's a weird-looking scar that most people, maybe even you (no offense), find disgusting. I have been asked out by a handful of guys throughout my life and I've turned them all down because I was still in school and not looking for a relationship at the time. But I haven't been asked out on date since university (do the math because I'm now 32 and graduated university when I was 21). My boyfriend is my first serious relationship, and I admit that I have fallen in love with him. While he has his weaknesses, he also has a lot of strengths that I would rather focus on instead.

    I'm going to have a very serious talk with him and hopefully we can derive some concrete solutions out of it, even if it means breaking up.
     
  4. eve.ashley

    eve.ashley Well-Known Member

    Honey, a facial scar is nothing. It's skin. Your bf is scarred on his personality, and he's taking you for a ride. He is not taking care of his old and frail mum, she looks after him and he loves it coz he gets to dominate a woman, even if it is mum. She only pretends to be subservient and manipulates to get her way, but acts all submissive to his face to stroke his ego...

    They are a perfect (disturbed) couple. I really feel bad that you want to settle for this guy. I believe you that you had very high standards for "the one", as you should, and not having met him by the time you were 31, and having heard people say your standards are too high, you might now be going too far in the opposite direction.

    My second husband is not perfect, but he's an amazing human being and has all the qualities a true human being and a good husband needs to possess, my first husband had none....I was just much like you in crisis, thinking are my standards too high. Should I just make it work with this man, no matter what, most other people seem to live that way...

    Whatever you do, do not agree to move in with both of them and he will leave you, choose her and their life, and that's a good thing, you deserve better...

    I really wish I hadn't subjected myself to 6 months of bizarre psychological abuse and misery and the embarrassment of ever being married to this pathetic loser. Stop telling yourself some cool story like he's looking after his mum, she does everything for him as well as provide narcissistic supply...He does this for himself...

    Just set minimum boundaries do not move in with a guy and his third wheel sexless wifu...If he can live with you, as an adult, as a couple, OK give him a chance...Do not be a moron like I was, nobody's perfect is a long way away from the guy you are with now. You will meet a great guy if you look for him and he won't be perfect but he will be worth it, this guy isn't...

    My husband drives me nuts at times, but I am never ashamed of him, I am ashamed of the disturbed fellow I once allowed to become my husband. I'm just ashamed of it, I have no idea how I could ever think I can make it work with him or his sister. It's just bizarre what I had done. Trust me, your guy knows very well what he is doing, he is not some poor guy with mum ruining his life, he loves his life...

    His mum is healthy, independent, coherent if he needed boundaries he would have set them long time ago...
     
    Last edited: Jul 5, 2016
  5. eve.ashley

    eve.ashley Well-Known Member

    Please do not think about your scar, or whether you will get asked out again soon now, this guy does not qualify as a good mate, that's all that should matter for now. You need to chuck him out and wait for a better candidate...Of course you won't get asked out if you are stuck in a bad relationship. Also, your scar is not disgusting. It doesn't smell, or ooze puss, there's nothing in our evolutionary responses that would make a scar disgusting...If anything scars are cool.
     

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