I might as well get myself neutered for all my wife cares.

Discussion in 'Sex Advice' started by zadok, Jul 1, 2013.

  1. zadok

    zadok New Member

    I am sure this forum is full of guys whose wives don't want to have sex with them for one reason or another. I guess I should give a little background. My wife and I are both 38, been married a little over a year, but we have been living together for almost ten years.

    Our sex life has diminished to between twice and three times a month, if I'm lucky. And for her, it is a chore, which she only does for me. Her ambivilance is obvious. If it has been so long that she can't put it off any longer, she'll grudgingly go along with it, but you can tell it's a chore for her. She stiffens up, is unresponsive. I don't enjoy it either, because it is so obvious she doesn't enjoy it. the only reason I suggest having it, or initiate it is because if I didn't, our sex life would disappear, and she would be perfectly fine with that. And then in the future, if I ever brought it us, her reaction would be, "We don't do that anymore." So I keep it going just so we can pretend we have some semblance of a sex life.

    I don't want some crazy, wild, off the wall sex life. I just want my wife and I to have sex and both of us to enjoy it. organically. I don't want it to be contrived, scheduled, or done out of obligation. I don't want to feel like I am constantly pursuing her for sex with my tongue hanging out. I just want a normal, healthy sex life with my wife.

    Now, some time ago, she had some sensitivity "down there", and was sore. She went to the doctor with some success, and our sex life improved somewhat. But now she's sore again, and has been for about three months. Getting it taken care of is not a priority for her. And I don't want her to get it taken care of just for me. I want her to get it taken care of so she feels better all around. And yeah, our sex life will also improve. But I can't mention it, because I'm worried she will just think I want her to get taken care of just so I can have sex with her.

    I have tried bringing it up, but I usually get something along the lines of,"The more you talk about it, the less I want to do it". Which is probably true. Nothing is a bigger turn off than some guy constantly harping about sex you don't want to have with him.

    I have tried initiating intimacy, being romantic, but I'll usually get something,"The more you pressure me for sex, the less I want to have it". And then of course I feel ashamed, like I am pressuring her like some douchebag date rapist.

    And of course, I have completely backed off, and left her alone. Which, of course has resulted in our sex life (what sex life?) tapering off to almost nothing. And when it happens it is so begrudged and obligatory, it is worth zero.

    I am not going to suggest sex therapy for us, because I probably would get a response that I was "harping about sex, or pressuring her into sex"

    I have looked online and have seen similar questions, but a lot of the answers are unrealistic.
    Candlelight Dinner? She'd eat the dinner, drink the wine, go to bed and that's be it.
    Backrub or massage? Thanks for the backrub, babe. Now leave me alone.
    Something a little more sexual? It wouldn't even get that far.

    And a lot of the answers given by other guys on many men's forums are just mean & misogynistic.

    I don't want to talk about sex with her anymore, because it is already an old tired, subject, and we'll end up talking in circles. And I don't want her to feel like I am giving her the third degree. She'll tell me what she wants to tell me and leave the rest for me to figure out. And I haven't figured it out.

    In every other aspect, she's wonderful. She's kind, solicitous, sweet. I don't want to leave my wife. I just want her to enjoy having sex with me. Because I can't enjoy it if she can't.

    Couple of other random things:

    I have recently lost a lot of weight, and she's always commenting on how good I look. So I haven't let myself get fat or unattractive.

    We both make about the same amount of money, very mediocre. Some years I make a little more, some years my wife makes a little more, some years I make a little more. I know a lot of women want a strong, driven, good provider. I am a mediocre provider. I do not outearn my wife, and we are not wealthy. Our income is adequate, but that is all. Perhaps she would be more attracted to me if I made more. Maybe it's biology kicking in and she wants a good provider. Which I am not. I am a mediocre provider. And simply "getting a better job" is not as simple as it looks.

    We also are about 3K in the hole. I know that is not a huge amount, but owing anything stresses her out. So maybe her lack of libido is stress related. And maybe she feels I am causing that stress, which compounds it.

    Or maybe she's just tire of me. You can't make someone feel a certain way, and i can't make her want to have sex with me.

    But healthy married couples have a healthy sex life.

    And I am reduced to going into the bathroom with my iPad, pulling up some porn and beating off. At which she'd be disgusted with if she knew. I am actually pretty disgusted by it, myself.

    What can I do now. Or should I just write our sex life off as a lost cause and get myself neutered?
  2. FacingFive

    FacingFive New Member

    Speaking as a woman I really don't think this has anything to do with her finding you attractive or not. She clearly feels that sex is her obligation and nobody WANTS to do what they HAVE to do. If it was your job to go to Disneyland with your boss three times a month and you knew you'd get fired if you didn't go, you'd hate Disneyland. Get it?

    You haven't said how long she's been avoiding sex. It sounds to me like this is an old issue for her, she has a hard time with intimacy and she might need therapy.
  3. zadok

    zadok New Member

    Where do I go from here, though?

    I don't think she'd take kindly to me telling her to go get therapy. I could drop the issue for now, but I doubt it would correct itself. More likely, our sex life would disappear.

    I would happily go without sex for six months if it would bring our sex life back.... but I think it would just be more likely just to make it disappear.

    What is my next step? Your point is very well taken though. How do I make it seem like its less of an obligation? Because you're absolutely right. It feels obligatory for both of us and it needs to be organic.
  4. Don Quixote

    Don Quixote New Member

    Why don't you just take the bull by the horns? Just sit down with her and tell her straight about what you need. Tell her you need sex. And if she's not interested, that's fine, because you will then just look for it elsewhere. Tell her that you just want her to know upfront and don't have to be suspicious about your total disinterest in sex with her because you are having it with someone else.
  5. Elschmer

    Elschmer New Member

    I don't know if I can give useful advice that has the potential to make any sort of impact but what I can do is tell you a woman's point of view.
    I think you have very valid concerns about your sex life disappearing if you stop asking your wife to accommodate you once in a proverbial blue moon but at the same time it should be more than just an accommodation. I went through the same thing with my previous partner of 17 years. I slowly stopped wanting to have sex with him. It got to the point we didn't do it at all for a few years because he wouldn't pressure me and it soon became the norm for us to be that way despite several close friends telling me that a relationship without sex wasn't normal. They were telling the truth. It would be okay if neither of us placed any importance on sex in the past but that wasn't the case.
    In most previously normal relationships an alteration in the frequency or enjoyment of sex over time usually denotes bigger problems within that relationship. We suspect when it goes beyond the normal settling into a routine that comes with something long term and usually those fears have some basis. It was this case between my partner and I. I began to lose interest in him sexually and this manifested itself in sex becoming more of a chore. When it stopped altogether I felt like I didn't love him anymore. Soon it became hard to initiate on those rare occasions I felt like it.
    The good news is that a situation like that can change. I realised I actually did still love him and I had to change my behaviour if we were to move beyond the past. Either that or I had to leave. It didn't happen the first day but slowly I began to fall back in love with him. Once we returned to what we used to be like it was easy to see the things I'd lost sight of again.
    The thing is it took a lot of hard work but was more than worth it. You say you don't want to offend your wife by bringing up the suggestion of therapy. Truth is that it's not going to be a painless task for either of you. Unless you choose to stick with the status quo or leave you may not have a choice. I know for myself I was pushing my partner away because I had my own issues that therapy actually did help with.
    At the very least you need to be honest with your wife about your expectations. You owe yourself and your marriage that much. What is going on between you signifies a problem lies somewhere. Let her know that but also let her know you are committed to change. You will be there for her. But if no sex is an important deal breaker you need to be honest about that too. She needs to know the seriousness of the consequences should she refuse to be party to putting the intimacy back into your marriage. That's not manipulation or pressuring her. It's the truth.

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