I am sure this forum is full of guys whose wives don't want to have sex with them for one reason or another. I guess I should give a little background. My wife and I are both 38, been married a little over a year, but we have been living together for almost ten years. Our sex life has diminished to between twice and three times a month, if I'm lucky. And for her, it is a chore, which she only does for me. Her ambivilance is obvious. If it has been so long that she can't put it off any longer, she'll grudgingly go along with it, but you can tell it's a chore for her. She stiffens up, is unresponsive. I don't enjoy it either, because it is so obvious she doesn't enjoy it. the only reason I suggest having it, or initiate it is because if I didn't, our sex life would disappear, and she would be perfectly fine with that. And then in the future, if I ever brought it us, her reaction would be, "We don't do that anymore." So I keep it going just so we can pretend we have some semblance of a sex life. I don't want some crazy, wild, off the wall sex life. I just want my wife and I to have sex and both of us to enjoy it. organically. I don't want it to be contrived, scheduled, or done out of obligation. I don't want to feel like I am constantly pursuing her for sex with my tongue hanging out. I just want a normal, healthy sex life with my wife. Now, some time ago, she had some sensitivity "down there", and was sore. She went to the doctor with some success, and our sex life improved somewhat. But now she's sore again, and has been for about three months. Getting it taken care of is not a priority for her. And I don't want her to get it taken care of just for me. I want her to get it taken care of so she feels better all around. And yeah, our sex life will also improve. But I can't mention it, because I'm worried she will just think I want her to get taken care of just so I can have sex with her. I have tried bringing it up, but I usually get something along the lines of,"The more you talk about it, the less I want to do it". Which is probably true. Nothing is a bigger turn off than some guy constantly harping about sex you don't want to have with him. I have tried initiating intimacy, being romantic, but I'll usually get something,"The more you pressure me for sex, the less I want to have it". And then of course I feel ashamed, like I am pressuring her like some douchebag date rapist. And of course, I have completely backed off, and left her alone. Which, of course has resulted in our sex life (what sex life?) tapering off to almost nothing. And when it happens it is so begrudged and obligatory, it is worth zero. I am not going to suggest sex therapy for us, because I probably would get a response that I was "harping about sex, or pressuring her into sex" I have looked online and have seen similar questions, but a lot of the answers are unrealistic. Candlelight Dinner? She'd eat the dinner, drink the wine, go to bed and that's be it. Backrub or massage? Thanks for the backrub, babe. Now leave me alone. Something a little more sexual? It wouldn't even get that far. And a lot of the answers given by other guys on many men's forums are just mean & misogynistic. I don't want to talk about sex with her anymore, because it is already an old tired, subject, and we'll end up talking in circles. And I don't want her to feel like I am giving her the third degree. She'll tell me what she wants to tell me and leave the rest for me to figure out. And I haven't figured it out. In every other aspect, she's wonderful. She's kind, solicitous, sweet. I don't want to leave my wife. I just want her to enjoy having sex with me. Because I can't enjoy it if she can't. Couple of other random things: I have recently lost a lot of weight, and she's always commenting on how good I look. So I haven't let myself get fat or unattractive. We both make about the same amount of money, very mediocre. Some years I make a little more, some years my wife makes a little more, some years I make a little more. I know a lot of women want a strong, driven, good provider. I am a mediocre provider. I do not outearn my wife, and we are not wealthy. Our income is adequate, but that is all. Perhaps she would be more attracted to me if I made more. Maybe it's biology kicking in and she wants a good provider. Which I am not. I am a mediocre provider. And simply "getting a better job" is not as simple as it looks. We also are about 3K in the hole. I know that is not a huge amount, but owing anything stresses her out. So maybe her lack of libido is stress related. And maybe she feels I am causing that stress, which compounds it. Or maybe she's just tire of me. You can't make someone feel a certain way, and i can't make her want to have sex with me. But healthy married couples have a healthy sex life. And I am reduced to going into the bathroom with my iPad, pulling up some porn and beating off. At which she'd be disgusted with if she knew. I am actually pretty disgusted by it, myself. What can I do now. Or should I just write our sex life off as a lost cause and get myself neutered?