I need some advice!!

Discussion in 'Other Advice, Opinions and Concerns' started by newyorkgirl222, Oct 27, 2016.

  1. newyorkgirl222

    newyorkgirl222 New Member

    Hello, I really badly need some advice about whether or not to reach out to an ex boyfriend. I meet my ex around 14 months ago in Paris. We fell madly in love and then about 7 months ago, he told me he cheated on me. He had gotten another girl pregnant. He then proceed to leave me in Paris and went on a 3 month backpacking trip to Asia so he "wouldn't deal with me". He sounds like an ass I know. He kind of is. But he did really love me and I really loved him. The past couple months have been very hard and I had a lot of anxiety in the beginning. Now it has subsided by I can't let him go no matter how hard I try. We haven't talked since May but I still think about him everyday and I still really love him. I don't know what to do. I don't know if I should reach out. We were on slightly good terms when he left for Asia but then we got in a fight over the phone and left everything very messy. There are a lot of things unsaid and alot of questions were left unanswered. I thought I would have moved on by now but I haven't and I don't really know how to go on thinking about him like this without reaching out. Please give me some advice!!
  2. eve.ashley

    eve.ashley Well-Known Member

    Well, he doesn't sound like a keeper, I'm sorry. Is he a father now or they terminated?
  3. someguy1234

    someguy1234 Member

    I'm sorry Ashley...this is tough. I think may be there is two lines of thought...what you would like us to say and what we should say. I've been hurt more times than you can mention. Do you still love him ???,...even though he done this ????. We both need to find someone who loves us. You need to let him go Ashley. Love and best wishes from Ireland
  4. newyorkgirl222

    newyorkgirl222 New Member

    They terminated.
  5. eve.ashley

    eve.ashley Well-Known Member

    OK, I was asking to understand did he abandon what will become his child in a few months to go on self discovery "walkabout" type of trip. Seems like that's not the case.

    This guy has made a lot of mistakes towards you, you still love him, so the way I see it now it all depends how much he has matures and grown and is willing and capable not to make those same mistakes. News ones sure, none of us are super human, we are human we will make mistakes, but there's a difference him between learning from his old ones and making news ones, and you taking him back to discover he is the exactly same man that has hurt you before and hurting you again with the very same mistakes you already suffered from.

    So, what do you think? About him now, what does he say, how much has he grown and matured? How capable is he of not making the very same mistakes and fall into same patterns of behaviour?

    If you do take him back you wipe the slate clean, do not take him back and then mention his past mistakes every time he makes a new on, or you make a mistake so to justify it you bring the past into the fight. If you take him back you need to be willing and able to forgive the past, so you can have a future...

    So (for a bit) it might be hard work to patch you guys up togehter but, if you are both willing, love is a thing worth patching up (working hard at some reationship), as it's not clothing...If you will both learn from your past, your love can look more magnificent and stronger than ever at the very place you patched it up because love is the purpose and the only thing that can make us happy and fulfilled. So you might feel like you guys are a bit of a patchwork (hard work) for a year or so but soon you will forget you ever had these problems and heartaches and live a happy, healthy life together.

    If you make it, if you don't, well, you are right here where you are now, but you know you gave you guys your best, your all and you will eventually get over and move on.

    Good luck! Keep us posted!

    P.S. Some couples counselling might help or you can simpy make your own healthy rules.

    He picks 5 thigns you do that most annoy him in a fight, you do the same those are off limits. You pick five more destructive things you both do and that's off limit too.

    My partner and I have these rules:

    1.No shouting

    2. No throwing things or smashing things, or slamming doors not even throwing clothes about.

    3. No curse words or name calling no matter what the fight is about.

    4. No bringing up an issue that has been resolved in the past or any sort of past fight or transgression, fighting in the present about a current issue.

    5. No walking away from a fight becasue you are not willing to listen, if you must walk away you have to ask the other person to please let you go for a walk and cool down. If the other person can't, stay and talk about the issues, if the other person can let you -- they should. You take a half hour walk and come back to discuss the issues, you don't take a two day hiatus from your reationship or communication.

    6. No sleeping apart no matter how angry.

    7. No going to sleep before resolving the issues at least that much that you're on speaking terms and can hold each other and go to sleep.

    8. No getting physical, yes we need this rule we both have anger issues, I used to slap him and he would spit on me, and once hurt me trying to grapple me -- angry I kept slapping him.

    Yes, I know we sound like crazy people, I was kidnapped and tortured soon after I met my bf, and when I was rescued I was a mess of a person and he was very young when we met, so we had a very bad 9 months, and a very sad few years apart, tho heal, grow and establish these rules.

    So nevermind how I sound I give good advice, I promise.

    Your partner and you, of course, have different challenges and negative patterns of behaviour, so you will make up your own rules. We have a list or lists of these all over our home, and are reminded daily what is not allowed becasue it unhealthy and/or toxic and makes our reationship pointless and bad for us and we don't want that.
    Last edited: Nov 2, 2016
  6. eve.ashley

    eve.ashley Well-Known Member

    No, my husband to be is a great guy, it's the NY girl that made the OP. I just asked and additional question to understand better her situation, cheers. Welcome to the forum. *hug*
  7. diudang03

    diudang03 New Member

    T tinks it's so so, you need make a call for him
  8. alicec16

    alicec16 New Member

    Finding someone who loves you is not enough. The person must respect you and respect your choice in life. You must somehow be more independent of her.
  9. SimonTheCat

    SimonTheCat New Member

    I totally agree with @alicec16! Take it from a guy, sweety, if he's done this he doesn't care, no matter how many times he's told you he loves you, some guys just say it like that. Plus he's been a jerk to another girl as well, so I am sorry if I am too harsh but he's not worth it. You'll feel better, no matter how long it'll take! Just think about the other option: you get back together and then what? he magically stops cheating? if he's done it once trust me he'll do it again and that way you'll suffer way more for a hell of a lot longer. Hope you feel better soon!

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