In need of other viewpoints.

Discussion in 'Dating Advice' started by TheUtterFool, Jan 23, 2017.

  1. TheUtterFool

    TheUtterFool Member

    Hey guys,

    So this time I'll be on the other side of the forum! I'm normally quite comfortable with decisions I make with regard to relationships, but this time I'm sorta stumped.

    There's a young lady I work with, been working alongside her closely for about 6 months now. There's always been a bit of a flirtation going on in the workplace, as will generally always occur when you have a group of people in their late 20s - early 30s working together in an informal setting, and it never went beyond that. When I first started, she seemed interested but I was in a relationship so it didn't go any further. I've since split up with my partner, and she's recently stopped seeing a guy she was dating. She's very flirtatious. I'm very direct; whilst just discussing dates I asked her out, she laughingly accepted but passed it off as a joke-y sort of offer. I'm cool with that, to each their own and if she doesn't want to do so I can take a hint. However she continues to be very flirtatious, and in our conversations she often makes this big deal that i'm about 6 years younger than her, which, to me, doesn't matter in the slightest, and I've told her as much. I've dated a woman 12 years older than me in the past, it was great. Particularly as I know she's often chatting to another coworker quite a lot aswell, and hell, if she's more into him then power to em, the guy's also a mate, we've hung out a few times after work, he;s a good guy.

    This would usually not really even be a consideration for me. I have a strict don't-date-coworkers policy that I always adhere to and would've made this a lot simple. The problem is she's perfect. Literally perfect for me. We're into the same things, chat about endless shit for hours and hours when we hang out/message outside of work. (I've made it no secret in posts about my disdain for texting and messaging as a whole with regard to the love and dating side of life, but I've been enticed into it this time.) It's a situation I've only found myself in once in which I can't get her out of my head. I never keep my phone near my bed, yet this morning left out of bed and almost jumped onto it to check my messages. It's really pissing me off. Cutting her out of my life isn't an option. Asking her out was sidestepped. I don't really know what to do. If I were giving advice I'd usually recommend one of those; stop speaking to her or directly ask her yes or no. I really like her, both as a friend and I find her very attractive.

    What do you guys think is the way forward? I can't tell what's going on in this situation, something I usually consider myself quite good at as I've dated a lot of people. But, as a friend recently remarked, mostly as a joke but still got me thinking; in dating those people the relationships have always failed, largely due to things I've done. I don't want to lose this girl as a mate, but being around her is doing me in.

    I appear to have written this as more of a rant than anything else, but any and all advice or comments are appreciated.
     
  2. JakeCollins

    JakeCollins New Member

    Hey buddy,

    That was a lot of info there but I'll try my best to keep my response short!

    Firstly, I think your no dating co-workers policy is out the window since you already asked her out, clearly, you're willing to abandon that policy, not that it's a bad thing!

    Secondly, from what you're saying it does seem like she's just the outgoing flirty time and might not actually be into you as a romantic party and she's just flirting because it's in her nature (since she's talking to this other guy as well).

    Lastly, I agree with your advice to yourself, either stop speaking to her and give up on that idea or just ask her out directly. However, you did say yourself that 'Cutting her out of my life isn't an option.'

    So it looks like your only opinion is to outright ask her out? I mean, the worse case scenario is she'll say no and maybe things would be awkward for awhile but I'm sure you'll be able to continue as friends. As you would know, it's different if you dated and wanted to be friends but if doesn't get to that stage then I'm sure worse case scenario won't be too bad!

    Anyway buddy, my advice would be to just be 100% direct and ask her out and see how it goes!

    Best of luck,

    Jake Collins.
     
  3. TheUtterFool

    TheUtterFool Member

    I agree.

    It's not the ideal situation as she's already brushed it off. Whilst she most definitely is very flirty (and, to be honest, so am I - It doesn't help much, I flirt with most of my coworkers and I should probably pack it in if I intend to take it a bit more seriously), she was definitely very interested in me when I first started working with her. Perhaps that's changed, I'm not too sure. I'm usually quite good at reading what's flirtation and what's more, but this time I'm getting nothing. Probably the emotional investment. In any case, I've decided to ask her out for dinner on Friday. I don't see her until Thursday, I know she's free on friday as we were chatting the other day, so that'll give me the answer I need.

    On a side note, nice to have another Jake around the forum!

    Cheers for the advice mate,
    Also Jake.
     
  4. Unnaturalthings

    Unnaturalthings Active Member

    If she is making you feel so strongly that you are considering throwing away your "no dating coworkers" policy, you HAVE to see where it ends up!

    She may have her own reservations about dating someone from work, or the fact that you are considerably younger than her. There is still some taboo out there when it comes to older women dating younger men. I myself had a strict no younger men policy until I met my husband! It can be hard to break away from your "type"

    If you really feel like could be perfect for you, don't let her get away without having a more concrete answer. You said you have hung out outside of work, I'm guessing on a group setting? I would just flat out ask her out one on one. The worst thing she can do is say No, and even then you strike me as the type of guy that has enough confidence to take it in stride.
     
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  5. TheUtterFool

    TheUtterFool Member

    Have been meaning to post for a while, haven't got around to it!

    I asked her outright on a date the Thursday after. She said no as she's just broken up with her ex, didn't want anything serious, the usual stuff about "once I've gotten used to it" again. Including a line about "just having fun", which, I might just be being too cynical, sounds like sleeping around. So nothings happening there. Obviously not letting it affect work life, but it's making private life difficult. Whereas she is still messaging a lot and seems to want to just pick up from before I asked her out, I'm really struggling and am somewhat trying to curve this. I still can't stop thinking about her, but am trying to wean myself off. It's to the point that I might just uninstall my social media apps for a while, as, when we aren't at work, she's still chatting a lot. Which, I really wouldn't mind - I love talking to her, she's awesome and we get along great. But it's starting to look like the dreaded friendzone.

    What would you guys do? Just get rid of the social media for a while? Keep chatting and just try to keep my feelings to myself?

    Cheers for any and all answers.
    Jake.
     
  6. Unnaturalthings

    Unnaturalthings Active Member

    Just saw this. Hmm.... First off, I applaud you for your bravery in asking her out! Good on ya.

    Her words could mean a number of things... Could be that that was her honest answer- that she realizes she's on the rebound and that she's not mentally prepared to let someone else in. I've definitely been there, meeting someone I knew was great but knowing that I'd only be dragging baggage into it and it wouldn't be fair to anyone. If a piece of her heart is still with her ex, it would be doing you a kindness to hold off on things.

    Or, she could be simply not interested and this is her way of blowing you off. However, as you say she is still messaging a lot, I'd be inclined to believe that's not the case. If she is putting you in the Friend Zone, I'd like to believe that she'd slow down on the contact so that you wouldn't get the wrong idea. But she's not doing that, is she? It's almost like she's keeping the possibility open.

    Saying that she "just wants to have fun" is ambiguous too (I'm SO helpful, eh? LOL) Yes, she could mean she's looking for sex with no strings attached, or it could mean exactly that- that she wants to keep life lighthearted and easy and feels like a relationship might hinder that. Been there, done that, too.

    It's tough to say exactly what she is intending without knowing her personally. She may not even know what she wants right now herself, a major breakup can really mess with your head!

    If I were you, I wouldn't uninstall your social media. Especially not when you work with her and avoidance isn't an option. I would be cautious with her, and make sure that your own heart is protected as well. If you feel like she is crossing a line into Leading You On territory, then take action. Until then, keep yourself as busy as you can, and if there's someone else you're interested in, don't hold back. Keep us posted!
     
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  7. TheUtterFool

    TheUtterFool Member

    Thanks for the response Unnatural.

    So this week various things came to light. She's been sleeping with one of our colleagues for 8 months, whilst she was still with her ex and has been sleeping with the aforementioned colleague for two, whilst still sleeping with the first colleague. Talking to both of them, they had the exact same conversations with her, one even showing me a message that literally said "I'm just having fun at the moment, but who knows?" about a month before they got together. So it seems I was next on the list to cross off.

    Honestly not even angry about it, just amused and marginally disgusted with myself, as this is so similar to what happened with a previous fling of mine. I messaged her saying that I basically don't want anything to do with her, and the usual bullshit arose, to whit I swiftly put it down. When one of the other lads had the discussion with me I may have fractured a knuckle against a wall, which actually turned out to be quite useful. Got all of my anger out in about a minute of wall-abuse! Oh to be an irrational muppet. I let her know, face to face, that I don't understand why she felt the need to lie to me, particularly as she knew how important it was to me. I made it clear from now on we are colleagues and nothing more. I feel so, so bad for my colleagues and her ex. Nothing really happened between us and I still feel like shit, I don't like to think about how they feel. In any case, I've taken a week's holiday to relax and clear my head before I do something silly. I'm usually fairly collected unless something upsets me, so the plan is to hit the gym hard for the next week and get all the stress out before I have to deal with her again.

    With regard to other people I'm interested in, I've blown two people off in the past three months because I've been so obsessed with her. And now that I think about it it's so fucking obvious she's been fucking at least one of my colleagues, they're certainly not subtle. As I say, far more angry and disappointed in myself for not seeing this shit coming.

    Cheers for the responses and advice guys, means a lot.
    Jake.
     
  8. Unnaturalthings

    Unnaturalthings Active Member

    Wow well this certainly puts her intentions in a whole new light! What a piece of work. Sounds like she just likes the attention from as many men whom will give it to her. Sad.

    I'm actually glad for you this came out. At least now you know what kind of character she has and it's not one you'd want to have around. You have every right to feel betrayed and angry. It's valid. She led you on, and even when she knew you liked her she kept messaging continually to feed her own ego instead of doing the considerate thing and backing off. I had even thought to myself If this girl isn't seeing at least a possibility of a future with him, she'd be a real beyatch if she kept at him like that. She chose to keep you on the hook for her own selfish needs. That's some bad karma right there.

    It's not you who should feel disgusted. You did nothing wrong! It's her who should feel embarrassed for using your coworkers and for what she did to her ex. She kept all of you in the dark. It's rude and stupid that she would be so cocky to be sleeping with 2 coworkers too. She had to have known they would compare notes eventually. I'm glad you weren't in as deep as they were.

    Again, it's Her that should feel like shit and be anxious about going to work. Not you.

    I hope this doesn't poison your opinion about women as there are plenty of good ones out there to he found
     
  9. TheUtterFool

    TheUtterFool Member

    Indeed.

    She's obviously at a point in which she's craving attention, and is willing to manipulate people to do so. Whilst I am angry and upset, I'm trying not to go too heavily into it - I had one of those guys ring me last night in tears not knowing what to do. Given time I think I could've gotten over her attempts to manipulate me, but after that there's no chance. Poor bastard.

    I'm very glad aswell. I'm not happy about it, but i'm thankful that I don't have to deal with her any further, and that I didn't get screwed in the same way as the others. Alas, I can't help but feel foolish. Now that I look back at it, she was very obviously manipulating me. It just gives me something to work on. With regard to work, I don't really have to see her nearly as much as the other two so I'm not bothered. I'm sure she is.

    And no, of course it hasn't. I've been with both good & bad women, I'm sure the same is true of toxic men. The important thing is to move forward, and I hope that by sharing this story other people will recognize these situations before they get too involved.

    Thank you for your help & advice. :)

    Jake.
     
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