Is it worth it ?

Discussion in 'Break Up Forum' started by kmaaaa, Nov 23, 2017.

  1. kmaaaa

    kmaaaa New Member

    My boyfriend is confusing me endlessly and he makes me feel like it's my fault. I really don't know if it is, but I feel like none of it will end well.

    We're both in our young 20's and have been dating for close to 2 years now. I have a steady job, I go to university and I live with my parents. He recently left his job for a new one and it also living with his father. We get along incredibly well, instantly clicked and have never had any serious fights till the past few months. He used to be head over heels for me.

    When he was in his young/mid teens he had some problems with drugs but has been clean from that for a long time now. About half a year ago I smelt weed on him and questioned him about it. I never stated whether I cared if he smoked pot or not, but I did make it clear I wasn't okay with him doing harder drugs earlier before. Maybe he got a bad stigma from that and hid it from me. His friend slipped up a few days later and told me they indeed smoked together. I confronted my boyfriend and told him I didn't specifically care that he smoked, but it hurt that he lied to me. He did apologized and promised it wouldn't happen again.

    About 2 months later, he let me use his phone and a message, that was not appropriate at all (considering we are in a non-open relationship and both 'apparently' dis-approve of cheating and the like) and I clicked on it. He and this girl were texting and she wanted to meet up to hang out and he said he wouldn't be able to because he didn't think he'd be able to hold back from doing stuff to her and endlessly complimented her and called her sexy, while at the same time lifting me up as a girlfriend and complimenting me to this girl as well. It was so confusing and he did end up blocking her and cutting off contact. Before he did so, I pretended like I didn't see the message for about a week and finally brought it up to him. He lied about it nail and tooth before finally giving up when I told him I knew.

    At the beginning of the relationship he made it clear that he doesnt want me to watch porn and he didn't want to either, so those were my expectations. Again I used his phone a few months back, with him fully knowing, and found porn open on his browser. Not even in a private browser. Again I let it go and asked him a week later if he'd ever watched porn since we started dating. He denied it. I asked again and again every so often and he denied. Finally a little while after this incident I used his phone to search up a bus schedule and it was there, this time with him beside me. He snatched his phone and this led to a huge argument. It went on and on and I ended up being the guilty one for being too hard on him for about it.

    For the past 2 or so months till the present, he's been lying about smoking weed. He tells me he wants to change and goes to counselling for it, but I've recently found out he's skipped almost all his counselling and has been smoking weed multiple times a week. His job has been suffering, his mom's kicked him out and he doesn't contact me for over a day so he doesnt talk to me while he is high. I havent said anything to him about it for a few weeks of knowing, since he says it's something he struggles with and will come to me when he has slipped up and be open about everything; because he lies about everything and the tiniest little things. Additionally, the past few weeks he will go days without messaging me. We live a few cities apart (45-ish minute drive) so we only see eachother about 2x a week so we do rely on texting each other a lot as well as calling. If I confront him on not contacting for days, he flips out on me and makes it my fault and tells me I'm making him feel like a terrible human being and not helping him with his problems... all the while he hasnt opened up to me about ANYTHING in his life in months. I found out about 40 minutes ago that he is not at his first day of his new job, like he has told me, but rather smoking weed at his buddies house. He doesn't know I know since we havent talked for about 2 days.

    I know this isn't a case of him hiding it because I'm too hard on him, because we mutually agreed on these relationship standards and he's the one that says he wants to change and I tell him I'll be there for him, etc etc. That is not our relationship. Of course I'm not perfect and I mess up, but I am open about my entire life to him while he is the opposite. The past while he has been completely unsympathetic and stops messaging if I'm sad, goes to bed in the middle of conversation, and won't let me even talk to his dad. Simply put, he is making me feel unloved, like I cannot go to him about a single problem or feeling I have and I'm starting to think he is distancing himself from me for who knows what reason. The last 6 months have been completely downhill. We discuss counselling but he always decides last minute to back out. Is this the end of our relationship? He is not the kind, caring, complimenting, charming guy I once knew. He is not burned out and tired since he only works 30 hours a week and sits at home the rest of the time. I feel like he's sick of me. All we do is argue which leads no where. We argue about the stupidest things since theres been a lack of communication between eachother and nothing helps. I've tried being silent, being kind, the touching method, I've fought back, everything. It always ends in an 'I love you' but we're right back at it a day or two later. I feel like I'm coming to despise who he is becoming while loving him with all my heart at the same time.
  2. Unnaturalthings

    Unnaturalthings Active Member

    It sounds to me like this relationship has run its course. You have your stuff together, planning for your future and getting ahead, and this guy is content to backslide, lie, and hide things.

    Even if he didn't physically hook up with this other girl, simply talking to her behind your back and telling her he wouldn't be able to stop himself from hooking up with her is a form of cheating. It's natural to have lustful thoughts for other people from time to time, but to actually TELL THAT PERSON is crossing a major line. It's letting them know that they have a chance, that they are on the backburner, etc. It is totally inappropriate for him to talk with her on that level.

    You seem to be aware of the fact that while there are certain boundaries within each individual relationship, and it is the fact that he crosses your particular boundaries that is the issue. Some couples have no issue with pornography, some do. If he has told you that this will not be part of your life together, then he needs to respect that and stay away. It sounds like he tells you what you want to hear, then he does whatever he feels like anyways. There is a complete lack of respect from him with regards to your expectations of each other. Instead of communicating with you honestly about what is no longer working (or possible) for him to do for you, he is comfortable lying to your face and continuing onto whatever urges he has.

    Why would he be sick of you? For asking for honesty and loyalty? For expecting him to do what he has told you he would, such as going to a job as promised? Maybe he is pulling away because he's starting to realize you're out of his league, and maybe you should too...

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