I've been married 3 weeks and all we do is fight

Discussion in 'Marital Problems' started by escd, May 31, 2016.

  1. escd

    escd New Member

    I'm at a loss. Clearly. I've never been on an internet forum.

    My husband and I have been married for 3 weeks and I don't know what to do about the fighting.

    Before I married my husband, I had seen him "lose his sh*t" maybe 3 or 4 times. What that means is, this guy who is calm, sweet, considerate, kind, and generally nice to be around 99% of the time would suddenly get raging upset at the drop of a hat. When he gets like this, he storms in and out of rooms, raises his voice (often yells), swears, points his finger, face turns red, slams doors, is totally irrational, often gets in the car and leaves (no matter what I say), score keeps by bringing up everything he's ever done for me, uses things I've done out of context against me, etc.

    No matter what I say or do during those times, it's like he's so far gone into some other place in his mind, I cannot bring him back to earth. I'm not the kind of person who screams, yells, name calls, etc. So, while we were dating, I would stay calm, keep my tone level, I'd try to validate him, I'd acknowledge the good things he was doing, I'd acknowledge his feelings, I'd apologize for my part, I'd explain my side, I'd encourage a solution, etc. (I was in therapy a few years ago for a traumatic event and learned all the recommended ways to handle conflict - and really well, too.). These things would rarely work. He'd be a maniac until, finally, something would click and he'd come back to his senses and apologize. Him coming back to his senses though would take hours.

    In the 3 weeks we've been married, he's lost it 5 or 6 times.

    I am not exaggerating in the slightest when I say that he loses it over the most ridiculous things - none of which are ever when we are in a fight or talking about a sensitive topic. For example:
    -He had had a really stressful day at work. He came home and we both discussed it and him going to the gym to blow off some work stress (he really likes to use the gym to destress). I told him to go to the gym so he could feel better. I wrapped my arms around him, told him I loved him, and told him to go to the gym and to not be gone *too* long. He absolutely erupted. Because I said not to be gone *too long.*

    -We were driving down the street at the end of a really wonderful day together. We'd spent the day doing projects, having dinner with family, and had been over the moon happy. We were discussing our forthcoming wedding reception (we were unable to have it the day of our marriage). We were discussing what we would like to wear to our reception. I asked him if he'd like to wear a tie and he erupted. It turned into a fight that lasted for hours and well into the next day.

    That's the thing: almost none of these eruptions happen due to some tension or fight. I will say something completely loving, kind, and benign and he goes insane. The first time this happened when we were dating, I was so caught off guard by it that I almost left him. He said he'd do anything to save the relationship and I told him he needed therapy. We've been going to a therapist for about 3 or 4 sessions now.

    I wasn't naive enough to think that if I married him, he'd never have one of these nuclear meltdowns. We are both in our 30s, both have been in relationships before (though never married), I have a Master's degree, I'm smart, I'm independent, I have a huge understanding of human condition, and I'm a great communicator in conflict. I completely expected him to do this during marriage. However, I was perhaps dumb enough to believe it would be a rare event AND that it would become even more rare since he'd agreed to/was in couples therapy. Never in my wildest dreams did I expect that in 3 weeks of marriage, it would happen far more than it ever happened during our courtship AND usually over increasingly benign things.

    I'm also distraught at what it's doing to me. I've greatly prided myself on my conflict resolution skills that I spent years cultivating. Even the therapist has said that I clearly have been through therapy if I know how to fight kindly and fairly: lots of acknowledging, compromise, calm tone, etc. But, none of me at my best works on him when he's on the rage. He's told the therapist that, to him, he doesn't feel I am being sincere or I seem condescending. In the last few fights, I've been turning into something I'm not: screaming back at him, storming out of rooms, saying things I don't mean, etc. It's not like I want to be this way - it feels very much that it's not who I am, it's not how I'd ever want to fight. But, he doesn't listen to me when I'm loving and rational. And, in clearly an unhealthy way, it feels like I'm taking my power back by meeting his aggression. When he comes to his senses, he always apologizes. But, it's starting to be harder for me to forgive him. My mind has now many times gone to the place of thinking of ending my marriage. Something I swore I'd never do - I never wanted a divorce.

    I don't know what to do. Is my marriage ending already?
     
  2. eve.ashley

    eve.ashley Well-Known Member

    Please take this as coming from a place of love and concern, but you do sound condescending. Your husband is either a psycho that gets enraged over ties and everything really, or you are contributing to his frustrations and anger problem by being condescending. If you were this good at conflict resolution, no matter how troubled he is and how many anger issues he had, you would not resort to shouting back at him and "meeting his aggression", as you've put it.

    So you need to start by acknowledging that you both have a problem. You picked each other and you are both doing your share to end up in these insane fights. Stop talking down to him as if he is this guy with anger issues and you are the zen master of conflict resolution, you're clearly not, and if you were you'd never talk down to your husband.

    Again, if neither of you is a psycho, then there are palpable problems that bother you both. Start by writing those down. For example you are bothered that he drives away, no more driving away. That he shouts and slams doors...He is bothered by your passive aggression and condescending attitude...No more name calling..etc

    You have to understand that this is most likely not just him and his issues, you guys are holding up a mirror for each other. Only if you both come to terms with your issues can they fall and can you heal.

    You can leave him, in order to avoid seeing your own issues, but any man as compatible with you as he is, or even remotely compatible at all, will again hold up a mirror for you as you will for him...So you will be left with having to date incompatible men in order to avoid seeing yourself for who you've become, and are, which is an imperfect human being.

    It's OK to be imperfect and have issues, and it's OK to see them, heal them and become a healthier human with less issues. I have been there with my bf and what I've learned is that if I just trust him when he tells me something about me that helps, however for this to happen he had to show willingness to work on his issues so as to minimize being wrong about me, also we had to get to know each other well, which can be impossible if you spend most of your time either fighting or healing from it...

    What can be a good start is both of you considering why is the other person telling me this. Why does he say I'm condescending, what is he trying to tell me...Why am I acting the way I'm acting. All this needs to take place before either of you gets so enraged that you stop listening...

    Also, is your bf going throuhg something stressful/traumatic? Are you sure you really properly healed from the trauma you mentioned?

    Therapists can also be bad at their job and a bit of a scam, as well as good an helpful, are you sure you had the right one? A good match for your problems?

    I don't think your marriage is necessarily over, I think you are holding up mirrors for each other and neither of you is ready to see himself for all you have become. Do you love this guy? If the answer is yes, you will have to put him above your fear and you ego and peak in. It's OK not to be perfect, that's how us humans are, if you look at your husband as your chance to grow, instead of the enemy, maybe the whole dynamics would shift...

    Does any of this make any sense to you, it makes loads of sense in my head? :)

    If this guy isn't the enemy, if you love him, then he is there to teach you to be a better you, so try and be kinder to him will you. If he is the enemy, OK, leave him, but don't leave him coz you are too weak to look at all of yourself even the things you don't like...

    Good luck...
     
    Last edited: Jun 1, 2016
  3. eve.ashley

    eve.ashley Well-Known Member

    Also ask yourself why did you fall in love with this man? What are qualities he had, things he has done to make you fall for him? These will be your motivation to get throuhg the tough times. Surely there must be more to you guy that dysfunctional fighting and lack of communication?
     
  4. LydianWells

    LydianWells New Member

    Sounds like some immense imbalance between the two of you and that in itself can be overwhelming. Perhaps he thinks you are condescending because he has yet to learn the skills you acquired. It takes as much energy for two to fight as it does to make up. The best thing you are doing is going to therapy, so give it time to work. Nothing regarding building relationships brings instant results. Healing will take place in time!

    With time, commitment and lots of hard work relationships can be salvaged, restored and filled with love. Sometimes we match up with partners that in the beginning are quite a challenge. I certainly sympathize with your situation. I know this to be true, because my husband now of 16 years gave me the same type of grief for the first six years we were married. Now I cannot imagine life without him!

    Meanwhile, search for books that may help as well. Here are a few: Love Is Never Enough: How Couples Can Overcome Misunderstandings, Resolve Conflicts, and Solve Relationship Problems by Dr. Aaron Beck, The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work by John Gottman, and The Five Love Languages by Dr. Gary Chapman. The more you both know the better tools you have for recovery. I’m praying you find resolve and solutions!
     
  5. FlowerSis

    FlowerSis New Member

    My heart goes out to you. You are doing all the right things. It does sound like your husband is dealing with some things. What does the therapist say? Why does his mood/anger swing so drastically? Did the therapist offer a solution? I learned about "buttons" recently in a marriage intensive. We all have buttons, and when ours are pushed, we react in a way that is way beyond rational. For example, my button is abandonment. When my husband takes the grocery cart and goes to a different isle, leaving me behind with an armload of groceries, I am angry. I mean - beyond annoyed - really angry. I could not figure this out until I realized that he had pushed a button. Now when those feelings arise - I know where they come from, they are not his fault. Could each of these issues you have with your husband be pushing a button unknowingly? Can you help him identify those buttons? Rather than responding to his "outrage" by arguing on the topic - ask him "what particular words or concept made him react?" And then wait for his answer - without responding further? Have you heard of the L.U.V.E - Five step communication Process for Conflict? Maybe some of these principles can help you. MC may be one of the best options - to really work through the issues in your young marriage. I hope you can work through this!
     
  6. escd

    escd New Member

    Update: this is the author of the original post.

    I left my husband. A mere two or three weeks after I wrote this post. I'm now awaiting the finalization of the divorce literally any day now.

    I recognize now that all of this behavior was abuse and that he was an abuser.

    It grew worse, much worse, in the days that followed this post. Like many abusers, he felt safe to abuse once we were married.

    While he engaged in all forms of abuse, his emotional abuse was the worst.

    If you're reading this and are in a similar situation, GET OUT.

    I'm so glad I have.
     
  7. eve.ashley

    eve.ashley Well-Known Member

    I'm sorry.
     
  8. Unnaturalthings

    Unnaturalthings Active Member

    Just read this for the first time. That would have 100% been my advice to you- RUN!!!! No one deserves to walk on eggshells, fearful of saying or doing something to set their partner off. I am so glad that you found the strength to leave. You sound like a very intelligent, thoughtful person and I know you will have the strength to do better for yourself in life. At least you only spent 3 weeks in that marriage, instead of 3 years or 3 decades
     
  9. Muhammad Ali

    Muhammad Ali New Member

    It is bit unnatural act in a relationship, though first thing to understand is share and acceptance of thoughts at both end(s) should be balanced. Even if you are not satisfied to the solutions you have worked out, why not try Indian astrological solutions.
     
  10. LoveAdmin

    LoveAdmin Administrator Staff Member

    That should give people a heads up. That is definitely a warning sign.
     

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