Married and growing resentful, hateful and empty

Discussion in 'Marital Problems' started by lpArcon, Jan 25, 2016.

  1. lpArcon

    lpArcon New Member

    I think I need to get this off my chest more then I believe there is an honest answer to my dilemma. I've been reading this forum tonight and created an account just to get this off my chest.

    My wife and I met though E-Harmony 10 (or so) years ago. I just moved back to my home town after being laid off on the other side of the country. Most of my hometown friends were druggies and never grew up, something I left long ago - so I knew no one and quite frankly felt alone.

    On my 2nd date off of E-Harmony I met my current wife. She didn't match my 'ideal' date (over weight, sleeve tattoo, low self esteem) but we hit it off. Her manors, beliefs, upbringing, and general opinions matched mine to a T. While not all our interests matched, we blended perfectly. We had a few hiccups and always communicated and worked it out. We moved in together after a year, remained that way for two years, got married, planned for a kid, waited a few years and had a great kid.

    Things were going great; we even foolishly judged our friends troubled marriages in private, how much better ours is, how solid. The sex was even great, always willing to please each other and speak about wants, needs, and open dialogue concerning such things. Even 100% agreed on how to raise a kid and ideals we wish to pass onto her.

    Since we met though she was at the same dead-end job in the medical field. She was good at it, liked it, and felt important; that was until a year and a half ago. She kept talking about finding a new job, but she's not a very focused person, rarely takes the initiative. I've been supportive, helping her create a resume, making sure I give her praise and encouragement when needed (but not pushing her).

    Well I spoke with my sister who recommended my wife come work at the company she works at (my sister is a VP of * * at this company and was going to pull some strings). My wife was excited, went though the interview process, and got the job with a 25% raise from her old job. One thing I can be sure of, she loves this new job and the future opportunities within the company.

    Four months ago something happened and I don't know what it is. She's colder to me, less caring, and a LOT less considerate. For instance she'll walk in, hug our kid, tell our kid she loves her.. then we continue on with the evening. That was never the case - we both love our daughter more then anything, but always saved something for each other.

    It got to the point (3 months ago) where we weren't having sex, or more over I was being rejected from having sex or even physical contact. I'll fully admit I grew resentful, thinking about what it could be. An affair? My weight gain (15-20 extra pounds here since we married.. same with her)? I tried upping my game, making sure I was a little more attentive, maybe I was taking her for granted in some way.

    This went on for four weeks (one week was me in pure depression). I did some things I'm not proud of - tracked her phone, looked though it when I could secretly, and GPS'ed her car. Only thing I didn't look though was her new company issued Laptop. Now I know this is borderline crazy behavior (or what abusive spouses do) but I wanted to know, I HAD TO KNOW. She had to be cheating, I just knew it. But so far.. not a single bit of proof, no txt message, no strange number, no strange driving habits, nothing. She does have snapchat now (people in her office use it, I've looked though it a few times) but I never found anything remotely damning (and I'm a very technical person, she's so-so).

    So I came clean one night in an angry/sad sort of way; we both talked for hours, crying. She said it's hormones, she just doesn't want sex and didn't want to lead me on. I pressed the matter on an 'affair' or simply not finding me attractive anymore (happens) - assured her this isn't prelude to leaving her, we have a kid, we are together. She assured me it's not me, she's not cheating.. and then we had the best sex in a long long time. (didn't come clean on the GPS....)

    Next month I made sure I was more attentive, willing to cuddle - I informed her us cuddling doesn't have to be prelude to sex. We can hug, kiss, hangout without any sex demand. So we did just that, on occasions we had sex as well. Things seem to be improving, I included her in my daily txt messages (sister and I send off-colored meme's and stuff to each other) also included funny love notes or just told her I love her. Things seem to be improving; she even changed her birth-control thinking that may be her hormone problem.

    Now this month.. it's as if we never spoke. She seems 'pleasantly cold' to me (not to my daughter, though she seems to have a shorter fuse then I do). I've had the words 'I love you' go reciprocated more times then I can count now. It's as if we're friends with occasional benefits, sharing a love for our daughter. We both work full-time and I still am the majority money maker if that means anything these days.. I do not mention or rub this in! But I find time to clean the house, pick things up, do laundry, and things of this nature; she does not. In fact, I now do it JUST to get some affection from her as said as it seems the only time I get any praise or love is after I cleaned or did something that benefits her. I went out of her way to get her something for her birthday (she forgot mine back in July.. which I didn't mind, now I do, I seem to mind everything and I wasn't like that).

    I'm resentful, I'm growing hateful. It's after midnight and I can't sleep because I'm just full of rage. Now I honestly hope she's cheating, hope the GPS shows her driving and stopping at some unknown apartment or hotel. Something, anything to say 'there is the problem' and I can deal with it emotionally. I don't want to 'try' to put in any extra effort, I don't want to txt message her or speak to her on an emotional level, it just hurts and I'm tired of hurting. I just don't know what to do, when communication doesn't work, when your wife simply just treats you like a roommate (not even a friend).

    Sorry that's a lot of typing and to read - glad someone took the time to root though all of that. Full disclosure, I'm not perfect. I'm grumpy in the morning, prone to be vocal to bad driving, and am a light sleeper (so if she snores I have to leave the room, on occasion in a angry manor, to sleep on the couch like tonight.)
    I'm open to any ideas or opinions at this point. Thank you.
  2. lpArcon

    lpArcon New Member

    Update: She is cheating - GPS on the car showed her at a location I've never seen when she said she was working late.

    I crossed the line and took a look at her work computer - she had a folder created with saved emails from a guy. His name matches the white pages lookup of the address the car was at for four hours. Funny thing is, I feel in the wrong for becoming some crazy stalker guy, even have the emails on a USB now for added creepiness.

    So this guy works with her - first emails started three months ago; her complaining about married life to this guy. How she doesn't have anytime now with a kid, how stressful work is and she wishes her husband could relate and understand this. Also she goes into great detail how much she has in common with this guy (likes the same TV shows, likes pinterest, ect) and how she doesn't have this with me. Asshole even wrote 'I bet my tongue could destress you' with a ****** smily face at the end. Classy guy at work.

    **** so, yeah, I don't know what to do at this point. We live in a very PRO mom state, most assets are mine (including the car she is driving), and we have a two year old. Also I went full ****ing stalker Macgyver style... which I'm not sure is even legal. I don't know if I should confront her this weekend, talk to a lawyer, or what. I know she's having another 'late night at work' tonight though. I can't forgive her for this.
  3. relblogger

    relblogger New Member

    Man. Dude. I sympathise. It was tough to read that. I have the same relationship with my wife; a loving, intimate, talkative, communicative relationship. It sends shivers down my spine to hear that it went cold and that this could happen to anyone. I'm all goosepimply now.

    I'm from the UK here. But I'll do it by the way I see it sensibly.

    1. Talk to your lawyer, like you have done here. Tell him EVERYTHING. Right down to the part where you went stalker psycho on your wife. Your lawyer will know what's best. Also - don't skimp on lawyers or you'll probably end up with "Better call Saul". I understand it's the same the world over - you get what you pay for.

    2. Also - I don't know about in the US but here in the UK it supports the fathers rights if he is to take the issue with the courts first. So don't wait on her telling you.

    3. Think about your kid. This is obviously going to impact her tremendously; everything should be done in her best interests. Your wife is to blame here - so when the **** hits the fan I would also make it the responsibility of your wife to tell your kid why Mum and Dad are splitting up.

    Perhaps I'm going this all gung ho - but that kind of sneakiness is further than my boundaries. I'd go mental.
  4. caughtup

    caughtup New Member

    Wow I'm so sorry that happened to you. You seem like a nice and genuine guy who really cared about the relationship. Have you since confronted her about the cheating? I'd like to have another update if possible. But when I was reading your tory I thought she might be cheating from the sound of it because he suddenly became cold and distant. Well, I'm very sorry this happened and I'm wondering if you have talked with her about it and why she felt the need to do this. It's not right of her at all. I hope it works out for you because you seem like a good husband and please don't beat yourself up for what she did. It's not your fault and you shouldn't feel the need to retaliate in any way. I'm wishing you the best and hope to hear from you again.
  5. Pedro Smith

    Pedro Smith New Member

    Its been a year now. Is the matter solved? A proficient and dedicated lawyer investigates and gathers related information to make the case stronger. My brother is also stucked up in the same situation and is searching a lawyer to hire to get rid of his wife. We searched many sites and also social media to find more info about this.

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