On Realizing What Love Is

Discussion in 'Relationship Questions' started by Alie, Sep 16, 2017.

  1. Alie

    Alie New Member

    I swear it's different this time around. So, I'm older now and you'd think I'd be more mature now and would know how to handle my problems and I guess I have learned from the past but this time is different. About a year ago, I was in a very low point in my life. You know like in my last post, I've always been looking for love from other people- approval from my family, to have reciprocated feelings from a guy I like, and the list goes on. It's because all my life I've been feeling like I am a huge mistake. I was that kid that shouldn't have been born. I felt like I needed to confirm from other people my own worth. I couldn't learn how to love myself. Then, I meet this guy who throws me overboard. He annoys me as hell and everything started between us as a game, really. But then he showed me his hidden, kinder side. I doubted him because he annoyed me and I only started talking to him for fun. I knew he was this cassanova who didn't give a damn about any girl. He played with hearts like they were nothing to him. So I thought why not play the game with the player. I was sick of being the foolish girl looking for love. And I was just sick of my life during that time. So that's how it all started. But then, he'd take the time and effort to truly get to me. Of course I'd ask myself if it was only his way of getting what he wants. But one time we talked about really personal stuff and he told me I could tell him anything. I asked him why I should and he said, unlike those people whom I refer to (those who have caused my trust issues), he would stay and listen to me. He said it was because he cared. It was scary meeting someone who felt like they've been a part of my life all along. It was scary finding myself wanting to spend my time getting to know someone I thought was an asshole. But I wasn't the only one scared. If I was the hypocrite hopeless romantic, he was afraid of commitment and relationships. It was such a bad pair, huh. But despite my and his reservations we thought we'd try to make it work. Let me get back to the loving myself thing. Why did I want to fight for what we had? Being with him, I got to uncover scars I've buried long ago. And I got to tell myself, after all these years, that I wanted to overcome those scars. I wanted to be able to love myself and leave all the hurt behind (hurt from many things, not just romantically related stuff). That saying that you could only love someone else if you learned how to love yourself. I wanted to be able to love him with all my heart. And I wanted, not just for him but also for myself, to be able to stop hating myself. I'm still in that process. But along the way, we had this hiccup and we've ended up hurting each other too much. Then he told me I should learn to be happy without a guy in my life. He knew about my problems and he advised me to learn to be happy. Without him. Or any guy for that matter. I don't know why. Did he fall out of love like everyone around me tells me? Did he just realize I wasn't the girl he liked? Did he realize he still likes this girl he liked before me? Am I just imagining things? Cause sometimes when I see him, I feel like he is still there. I feel this sense of hope that there is something I am missing. And since he told me we shouldn't talk again, I've been telling myself that maybe that hope I sense is just my wistful thinking. But every time I tell myself this, it recurs again. He feels like he is still there, yet not there at all. I want to fight for my love for him- this guy who has taught me how to love, accept love, and love myself- but I fear that the right time for us will never come. I fear that it is too late. Is it?
     

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