Opinions and advice needed...

Discussion in 'Other Advice, Opinions and Concerns' started by datingadvice18, Jan 8, 2018.

  1. datingadvice18

    datingadvice18 New Member

    Hello all,

    Apologies in advance for the long post. I would welcome some advice and opinions on my current situation.

    I really like this guy who I first met back in 2004. At the time I jokingly made a comment to my best friend that I had just met that man I would marry one day. In reality though I thought I would never meet him again due to location and the nature of his profession. I put it down to a typical crush and I moved on and had other relationships. He never really left my thoughts though and I continued to follow his career over the next decade or so. In 2015, through his work our paths crossed again and we are now acquaintances. The moment I saw him again after all those years I still got that same "I want to marry this guy" feeling in my stomach. A few momths ago I plucked up the courage to finally ask him if he would like to join me a for coffee sometime and he immediately said yes but then quickly dashed off and since then, although he is always friendly and acknowledges me every time we see each other he hasn’t shown any real interest in taking me up on my offer of Coffee.

    I am smitten with him. He literally takes my breathe away every time I think about him or our paths cross. He is an extremely complex & private man who is a real enigma and very difficult to read (although as I have studied body language & psychology I feel I can read him very well in general). In addition he is a complete workaholic and has dedicated his entire life to his profession. Reading between the lines I would confidently say that he has never had a serious relationship. He keeps everyone at arms length and even colleagues of 20+ years have only been invited in to home once in all the years they have known him. He is very close to his immediate family but other than that he seems to know lots of people and have lots of connections within his profession but very few friends.

    As I said he is very complex and displays all the typical symptoms of somebody with Aspergers. He comes across in what he says publicly as very confident and bordering on arrogant but his body language and general demeanour suggest the exact opposite. It’s not even that I have purposely analysed his body language but the traits that suggest nervousness, awkwardness & somebody who lacks self-confidence have just jumped out at me.

    Anyway, as I said I plucked up the courage to tell him how I feel and ask him out but I wasn’t specific just said ‘sometime’. When I said I really liked him he touched my arm and was like aww bless you and when I suggested coffee he didn’t hesitate to say yes. That completely took me by surprise as I genuinely expected him to say no. That would have been disappointing and upsetting but at least I would know for sure and could move on. Now though I am left in limbo as I don’t know whether he said yes just to be polite, whether he meant it but on reflection he just doesn’t have the time or inclination for anything outside of his work, or whether he actually likes me but his complex personality alongside his dedication to his stressful job is holding him back and stopping him from showing his feelings.

    I know the sensible thing to do would be just walk away and wait for him to come to me but I can’t shake this niggling feeling in the pit of my stomach that I would regret it if I don’t persue him and give it one last try.

    I only see him through his work once (occasionally twice) a week but as he is incredibly focused on his job and his mind is in work mode there isn’t an appropriate time to raise my feelings for him or even engage him in a long conversation. I did actually ask him for coffee in this situation but that was literally a... there is never going to be a right time so it was a now or never moment and took 30 seconds of insane courage. I have never made the first move before and doubt I will ever have the courage to do so again with anyone else. This guy makes me feel so comfortable and confident but he is so stand off-ish with people that it makes it difficult to start a conversation. My gut feeling is that I should casually suggest going for coffee again but be specific this time (do you want to go for coffee on xxx at xxx?

    But I’m getting conflicting advice from 2 separate groups of close friends.
    So here is my predicament

    One group advise to leave it be. He will come to me if he is interested. They have never met him and don’t know his personality other than what I have told them. This is a group of my closest girl friends, I massively respect their opinions and know they have my interests at heart. They know how much I adore this guy and agree in principle he and I would be very compatible and compliment eachother perfectly but they also know my past and how venerable I am.

    The other group of friends (predominantly male) are encouraging me put my feelings down in writing and hand him a note and then leave the ball in his court. As I said previously he displays classic aspergers symptoms. He is a very quiet person who comes over as socially awkward and he struggles with making eye contact with anyone not just me. This group I have only known for just a matter of months but we met through a mutual hobby to do with this guys job. We all spent a week together abroad in the summer in the company of the guy I like and his staff. They have spent an extended period with the guy I like and all have an understanding of his complex and contradictory personality. Does this place them in a better position to offer advise?

    This guy clearly felt uncomfortable with being put on the spot & I when I bumped into him a few days later with my friend I apologised for putting him on the spot. He laughed awkwardly and smiled but it clearly wasn't a good time to press him on the matter of going out so my friend changed the subject. Was that him telling me I’m not interested or was he just uncomfortable with me putting him on the spot by apologising for putting him on the spot. Who knows. That’s what is eating away at the me. The uncertainty. Does he or doesn’t he like me? Why say yes if he didn’t mean it?

    So here it is, I would welcome all honest opinions/advice positive or negative from a female and male perspective. Do I just accept that it isn't going to happen and I am never going to know how he really feels or or go for it and write him a note? This takes away the awkwardness of putting him on the spot and allows him to read and process it in his own time. This may not end well and I may never get the concrete answer I crave but nothing ventured, nothing gained. I would rather look back and think oh well it wasn’t to be rather than what if? Do I let my heart rule my head and take note of what one of “go for it” friends said to me “this is the stuff of fairy tales but dreams do come true if you believe” or am I setting myself up be dissapointed?

    I’m in my 30s and a single mum to 2 children. I am blind and suffer with depression and anxiety. We also currently live 320 miles apart. His job is unpredictable and means relocating often. I undoubtedly cone with baggage but on the flip side I am the most loyal, loving, trustworthy and compassionate person you could meet. What I lack in some areas I make up for in others. I may not be somebody’s first choice but I am great choice.

    What scares me is coming across as too keen, some kind of weird bunny boiler. That couldn’t be further from the truth I just wish I knew where I stood. I wear my heart on my sleeve and love wholeheartly. If he wasn’t so complex I could just accept that he just wasn’t in to me but from where I am standing this guy is everything I desire in a partner. He is far from perfect but he would be a perfect fit for me. He is intelligent, kind, hardworking, he makes me question and reevaluate my opinions and beliefs and gives me food for thought. He is a good man, a man of faith, a man raised to have strong values and morals, he has great integrity and stands up for what believes in. The professional side of him intrigues me and I would love to get to know the real him not just the side that he lets the rest of world see.

    Thanks in advance for your opinions

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