Please Mature Adults Help. Seeking serious advice.

Discussion in 'Relationship Questions' started by Mjgainey, Dec 29, 2015.

  1. Mjgainey

    Mjgainey New Member

    I am really looking for guidance with my situation and hopefully someone can please provide me with the experience and insight that they have.

    I am a twenty year old girl that had been dating one particular person for about three years up until a month and a half ago. I want to be really clear about every dynamic in relationship so please bear with me. The initial first year of our relationship went very smoothly I believe partly because we were so young and there wasn't much to our relationship. I attended a four year university and lived on campus and my ex being a year older than me went to community college about thirty minutes away. I have always been a very driven and intelligent young lady and I believe that he really resented those qualities about me because of the way he felt about himself and about school. Two years into the relationship things changed as far as our personal goals. I continued to pursue my education and at this point my ex had been at the same community for three years when his initial desire was to transfer after two. He started working at a popular clothing store and got a lot of attention for his height. They began taking pictures of him for their instagram page and as a result he began to pursue being a model and a music career.

    At the time this did not make me nervous or resentful of him because I also felt like I had it going on. It wasn't something I personally want to do with me life but I respected his dreams and desires. As he began working more he also began to see me less which was a problem for me. The free time that he would have, he began to choose his friends and other things before the relationship. I am not overly clingly in relationships , I am just more mature and believe that relationships take work. When I expressed to him my concerns he took the comment and me creating problems that we didn't need to have. He went on to say how busy he was and how we were basically in a long distance relationship? I continues to address my concerns and in return he broke up with me because he felt like I was putting too much strain on the relationship. A few days with us not speaking would pass and then he would call from a blocked number to get me back, drive to my school and show mild effort and then the cycle would continue. This cycle continued for over a year and I obviously was too stupid to just stay away. A few months later I found out that my ex was cheating on me with some girl he met on okcupid and it was going on for about four months. I obviously was devastated by this but felt like him cheating on me was a reflection of what I was doing wrong and as a result instantly took him back.

    It seemed like he tried for a little and then it would always end up with him breaking things off two weeks later, especially if I made him too upset. He told me that it was my responsibility to fix myself and to not be in the relationship if I was not over what he did. I can admit that I needed to probably take time to think and I would have ended up not getting back together with him altogether. As this cycle continued he just became more and more cruel towards me and began saying and doing things that I couldnt even believe. I had found out that he had made a fake Facebook account and when addressing this discovery he called me crazy, denied it and refused to hand over the passwords to his accounts because "he's a human being a deserves privacy". The general trust just wasn't there and I had constant feelings of anxiety which I am now learning may be the result of PTSD (I still sometimes have these feelings.)

    What ended our relationship in a month and a half ago was that I asked him to act more appreciative towards things I do for him. The morning of the breakup I had made him breakfast and brought it to him in bed and expected him just to say thank you. We had just spent an amazing weekend at a hotel that I booked for us and everything was fine. He then went on to say that he had been planning to break up with me for a while and him breaking up with me has nothing to do with me fussing about the breakfast. I began crying and begging and he told me he has no interest in seeing me cry so can I do it somewhere else. A few weeks before I got him angry because I brought up a couple of lies that he has told me and he went on to call me crazy, to tell me that he doesn't care about me and doesn't care if I were to leave him. I left his house and blocked his number and a few weeks later he called me from a block number asking me how I was doing. I got really upset and told him to delete my contact info which would include my email and phone number and to also throw away remaining pictures and items that I may have left at his house. He told me that he refused to delete my contact info, that maybe in the future we can try again at our relationship and that his "love" for me will never change.

    At that point I was so upset of being thrown away for so long after all the good that I have done that I changed my number and deleted both email accounts that he had access too. I feel like it was the right decision and I reached out to a therapist that has been helping me understand what she believes is his personality disorder. She believes that he will end up being a drug addict (he smokes a lot of weed and does other hard drugs in moderation) and that it was better for me to get out of it when I did. I've been very strong with closing the door and keeping that door closed but I still suffer with much of the aftermath of the relationship. For example, thinking that i'm crazy, that I am the one at fault for this, etc.


    I think I wanted to see if I could get some words of encouragement from people who can see this situation for what it is. I have been told on more than one occasion by a mass array of people that at some point in the future he will attempt to rekindle or persuade me to enter the relationship again especially since he refuses to let my contact info go. Even a woman who I went too to tell me my future told me that he would start to realize and wake up once I made it clear that I was gone forever and I do believe that you never know what you have until its gone. I need the strength to not go back when this happens and i am praying to god that I wont do so. I still love him very much because he was apart of my life for so long. Although my emotions have improved greatly I just need some hope and encouragement that what I am doing is right. Thank you for your time and your honesty !
     
  2. eve.ashley

    eve.ashley Well-Known Member

    Because of your title, nobody dares answer your OP for fear of coming across as arrogant and delusional, hehe:p

    OK. let me start by saying that I am not a mature adult yet, but I' doing my best, one day hopefully. I can try and talk to you about your OP and together we might, at least, make you get your feelings out in the open, if nothing else...Talking to someone often has therapeutic value...
    I don't expect you to take my opinions on your bf as absolute truths, but from where I stand, he is a sorry bastard, for sure...

    Before I get to that, I admire your efforts to get some counselling and therapy, it's a great way to improve the quality of our life, and understand ourselves, but good therapists are not easy to find.

    Please change yours, if, in any way, they are trying to diagnose a third party, through you. If the personality disorder on his part was your conclusion, not your therapists, than OK, I misunderstood.

    Ragarding your bf, 3,5 years is a long time. Long enough to make it painfully clear that this man is not trying to love you, respect you, make you feel special, reassure you. He is all about himself. He is not messed up and reaching out saying, help me, please help me, I don't want to be a ****** partner, I just can't reconnect with sanity and health...

    He comes across, from what you've said, as a person happy with a reationship in which he has all the "power", he messes up, you forgive, he cheats you forgive, you ask for him to treat you better, he makes that into a crazy request...He is tearing thigns down, and you are holding them together...he can do whatever irresponsible, hurtful thing he comes up with, you will forgive, as you are mature, loving and understand that all people are imperfect...He almost seems to count on that...

    Dump that arse hole, he is not worth the trouble, and believe me when I say, it's his loss...

    You sound like an amazing parter to have...You are driven, successful, loving, you can see what you did wrong that lead to you partner making a mistake...You are a dreamy partner to have, there are plenty of people out there who would appreciate you and treat you well and give you all the best in return for such a loving, patent, self aware partner...

    He is a crappy, half creepy, sad, selfish sociopath, who fell into some modelling...

    Modelling is a very pathetic profession it's glorified prostitution. (In many ways, almost, worse than actual prostitution, cot kids who fall into modelling have no idea what they are getting themselves into)If he will make it in that world he will suck some seriously predatory photographer/designer/editor penis, he will acquire fake freinds and frankly, who cares what he will do...

    He hasn't shown her anything worth my energy and time, my concern is you, you are worth everything best, my time and the best partner out there...

    Look for one.

    Look for a better therapist if this one is irresponsible and diagnosing third parties, look for hobbies, freinds, cool bf, cut this loser out of your life forever...
     
  3. RelationshipTeacher

    RelationshipTeacher New Member

    Most of the time that my partner was pregnant, she gave no appreciation for all that I did (work, cook, clean, dog care, her care). I did it because I loved her. My work for her is my reward. You'll come to this understanding in time, I am sure.

    Regarding the relationship. There seems to be an incredible amount of pain exchanged and the way your words were expressed, I don't (personally) see it worth giving him your time or energy. It will be healthier and easier to reboot and begin anew. The best thing you can do, however, is unlearn all of the crap you learned in your relationship with him. All of the conflict is unecessary and it will seriously hold you back if you use those habits in the future.

    It can be rekindled, for sure. If it does, time will heal. Should he return to you, start fresh and forget the past and just try to enjoy the moment.

    Pain is temporary, even though each moment is an eternity. Good Luck
     
  4. Mjgainey

    Mjgainey New Member

    I should have been more clear with my title. The experiences that I have had in the past with receiving advice on online forums was not helpful in the sense that a lot of respondents bashed me for my struggles because they thought the answer was very simple. Understandably it is simple, however, when you are in the situation your self it is so difficult to see things for how they truly are.

    Thank you for your response it was very helpful. There is so much to this situation that it becomes really hard to pinpoint on single issue. The modeling was definitely an issue in our relationship because he began to feel as if he was better and worth more than me. And being around someone that constantly tells you that in many different ways almost persuades you to believe it. For a long time and even sometimes now I think and compare and believe that he is doing something bigger which is stupid. I never really cared about monetary value or possessions but after this year with him it seemed like what I put on my back and how I looked was the only thing that mattered.
     
  5. eve.ashley

    eve.ashley Well-Known Member

    He would be lucky to have someone like you, you can do better. My bf looks like a male model, he is well educated, smart, from a privileged background. I'm an artistic type who dropped out of some nice schools and some crappy ones, lol I am VERY ordinary, plain looking and I have complex PTSD (serious emotional issues)...

    He makes me feel like I'm the most special, valuable, precious, attractive human being ever.

    There are people out there who will appreciate you, love you, build you up, instead tear you down. It's nice that he did some modelling, it can be a fun hobby, but as a profession it's terribly unimportant and twisted.

    This man is dumping his emotional rubbish on you, making you feel bad. Please, understand that you deserve so much better and that you will get it, if you don't settle for a guy like him.

    I do understand what you mean by online forums. I had some similar experiences, all sorts of people gravitate towards online communities. This forum is a safe place. Here we at least understand that we are not superior to anyone...That makes all the difference...

    The rule of thumb is, a person whose advice is worth considering - will never mock you, or patronize you. If someone does this, they are probably not in any mental state to give advice, and should not be taken seriously...

    If your bf made you feel bad, about who you are, what you have done with your life, or made you feel you need to compete with him, then he is toxic and you really need no other reason o cut him out of your life...

    I am sorry. Maybe it's time for you to have some you time. New hobby. New dates with new men, dating has never been easier with appas and sites...Join a work out class/gym...Learn a new skill...

    Right sort of man will come along, and he will never make you feel like you have to compete with him.

    :kissu:

    Hang in there, we have all had to kiss some frogs, before the prince came along.Just don't settle for a frog, love, you deserve someone who will treat you well.

    I'm sorry if it seems I'm coming down hard on your ex, I really have nothing against him, don't know the man.

    I only have something for you and that's a promise that you seem a far better partner to have, than he seems. Therefore, he should be over the moon happy to have you, not act like you are beneath him.

    I recently discovered Jualian Casablancas he is a rock star that comes from 2nd generation of, sort of pop culture, wealth. LOL I don't know where to place his family on a snobby aristocracy scale, lol

    So, double aristocracy. A rock star aristocracy from sort of oldish money background. He's handsome and had access to best education. He has been married to the same, ordinary looking girl, who was an intern when he married her, for the last ten years...

    Some men are just wonderful lovey men, nothing can spoil them. Some can't wait to have a thousand followers on Instagram to get it into their heads they are the coolest invention since fire...
     
    Last edited: Dec 29, 2015
  6. Mjgainey

    Mjgainey New Member

    It all such a unfortunate situation. I mean I feel like I am seriously traumatized from the fact that he was cheating on me and even still I tried to make amends and forgive. I think what makes me most upset is that he doesn't see everything that I have done. He doesn't cherish me enough to know that it isn't likely for him to find another girl as loving and compassionate as me. It is really messed up that I think this way but I want nothing more than for him to come back pleading for forgiveness and another chance and for me to confidently say no. I guess it is cruel of me to feel that way but I want him to realize that he lost something good ! Something that he cant have back ! Everyone keeps telling me that he will do all of these things but only when I am completely over him and when I have moved because realizations like this take some time. I guess I need to just trust in the universe and its way and cycle.
     
  7. eve.ashley

    eve.ashley Well-Known Member

    Honey, good life is best revenge. Doesn't matter if he ever realizes stuff or not...The right guy will come along. I know you are angry, and it's OK to be angry, but it will get better...He wasn't a keeper, his problem, his loss...

    I know right now all you do is spend time imagining scenarios about you guys, but that's why occupy yourself with activities...

    Of course you feel traumatized. We are never as vulnerable as we are when we're trying to love and connect with another human being. If they do not treat us well that makes deep wounds inside, but we are resilient, as people, and our ability to heal is outstanding. It will hurt less every day and you will move on...:kissu:
     
  8. BlueLady

    BlueLady New Member

    Hello dear,

    I have a couple of points I wanted to make. Lets start at the beginning. You all started off well in the beginning. The honeymoon phase i think its called. But you mentioned that there were no expectations. Technically no problems or issues exist or in this case are not visible when no expectations are in place.

    Here comes year 2, as you advanced on your studies and career you began to see what was probably there all along. Things/behaviors you didnt like. You mentioned a few times him being a struggling student in a community college and working in a clothing store etc, etc. i wouldnt call it belittling but i can sense that you deaired more of him than he desire for himself.

    Heres is the icing. You began to attempt to tell him what he was doing wrong, get on him about his behavior...almost like a mother would her child. Big mistake. At this point it seemed he was living and exploring while trying to find his own path as you found your own. But you were hardon him because it was the path you agreed with.

    Another major major point is that he showed you many times he wanted out but you kept coming back. Kept letting him in. Kept staying around. He told you didnt want you long before the last convo you all had. And the whole keeping your number thing is bogus and his way of maintaining control and being a constant in your life with physical beimg there. Its a way to keep that door opened. Dont fall for it.

    No disrespect, but to try to contain him is selfish. If he wanted to leave you shouldve let him. You both are so young. He has a right to live and explore life even if it is not with you or on your terms.


    Good luck dear.
     
  9. Mjgainey

    Mjgainey New Member

    Hey thank you so much for your response ! I can see how from outside looking in it may have seemed like I was belittling him or keeping him in the relationship. I was completely okay with him attending a community college and actually would defend him when my family would ask me what he was doing with his life. He also was going to drop out of school altogether before we broke up and although I didn't agree I made sure that I let him know that I fully support him no matter what. The thing about my ex is that he is obsessed with fame. He has this " I want to be cool " mentality and I think that is where he felt inferior to me. He also would say that he was god and boast about how perfect he was which was just really shallow to me. He expressed to me that he was "tired of walking in my shadow" and although that may be true people that are in a good relationship just aren't jealous of each other. When I got accepted into my college he insistently tried to convince me that it wasn't a big deal and didn't allow me to be happy for myself . He kept telling me that it was the same thing as being enrolled at a community and it's not the experience is different. I also got an opportunity to be interviewed by this activist which was really exciting because this is the line of work that I am interested in. Me and this person were exchanging emails and planning to meet up. When I told my ex he didn't seem the least bit excited all he asked me was "what does this guy look like?". I then showed him a picture of the guy on his instagram page and he just said okay. Then right after this the emails between me and the guy just stopped. He would respond and I emailed him again as a follow up to try and see what was going on. My ex had access to my email and also knew his instagram. I am not being paranoid but I truly believe that he did something to effect this opportunity for me. And I say that because during the course of our relationship he just seemed to thrive when I was down. During the course I had to take a break from my university and take some classes at a community college. Literally before an exam my ex would call and break up with me knowing that I had things I needed to focus on. I think in general he doesn't want me to be happy as much as he say that he might. I am not saying that I have done everything right , there are things that I could have improved but I can't agree with the fact that I was belittling him because I treated him with so much respect and care. Regarding the second comment about me keeping him in the relationship, I never did. I know it seems that way with all the back and forth but literally our week together would go something like this:
    1. We would be happy and trying to work on our relationship
    2. Something would come up mostly a lie ( he never could stop lying)
    3. I would get upset and we would argue
    4. He would break things off ( he never liked to deal with issues)
    5. A few days later he would call and want to get back together

    Sometimes he would even show up and look for me at my house so it was never me keeping him in the relationship. Even this last time he broke things off with me, after he suddenly changed his mind and said that we could be together. It was me that said "Hey, no you made your decision" Because really your going to break up with me because I wanted you to say thank you for breakfast that I made you ?! Frankly saying thank you isn't a lot to ask for if your a decent human being these things are already engraved in you. Anyways, so he made his decision ! And you know what he did after? He texted me to save his new number and asked how I was doing "BLAH BLAH BLAH" but if I am really keeping him why is he always the one to reach out to me. He even said that he wanted to try in the future for our relationship and professed his love for me. I know relationships are complicated but this one is not and as I am writing this to you I am really getting so much clarity on how much I do not want anything to do with him.

    I know some people may see it and some people may not be he has dragged me through hell and back and I have been there by his side no matter what. You wouldn't believe the things that I sacrificed just to make him happy and where is he in my time of need?! Not here ! The fact of the matter is that he is a child and I can admit that one of my biggest mistakes is thinking otherwise and trying to raise him. He consistently lied about stupid ****, continued to cheat after he cheated, and probably was cheating on me this whole time and took the opportunity of the argument to break things off. He wasn't willing at any point to take accountability for his actions and admittedly I didn't make him. I agree that he keeps that door open, he always tells me that he wants us to stay friends but I am not cool with that no matter how immature that might sound. He barely treated me like a human being. Just the pure cruelty of the relationship was not okay and he insisted that I turned him into this person which is bullshit. What he is doing is not exploring, he is being destructive with other peoples lives and its not fair, if anything I would say that he tries to keep me in this place or the relationship by trying to always check up and telling me that he loves me. It is all just bullshit honestly but yeah , sorry for ranting I just needed to be really clear on the dynamics here.
     
  10. BlueLady

    BlueLady New Member

    If you read my post again. I said "i wouldnt say that you were belittling him". Never said you were. I did however mention that you could tell (from how you wrote your original post) that you wanted more for him than he wanted for himself.

    Clearly you two started on the same level and just begin to drift as if evolved. More so you outgrowing him. You said he was jealous of you? I can actually see that and do believe this probably was the truth.
     
  11. BlueLady

    BlueLady New Member

    And I also never said you kept him in the relationship. I was however highlighting some mistakes made that maybe you were not aware of. If you disagree that is totally fine. The best way to learn from a failed relationship is to see your own behaviors rather than highlighting the exes'. You cant control how another acts but you can control your own reaction, how much access they have to you, and how long they are allowed to be around.

    Good luck!
     
  12. Mjgainey

    Mjgainey New Member

    Thank you for your response , you have been very helpful !
     
  13. eve.ashley

    eve.ashley Well-Known Member

    Yah, the more we know about this guy, the more toxic he seems. I am so glad you are gaining the clarity you need to leave him behind. There are plenty of loving people out there, you will find someone much better.
     
  14. Mjgainey

    Mjgainey New Member

    eve.ashley,

    it is actually funny because while speaking to one of my close friends today she went ahead and notified me that my ex reached out to her on instagram to try and get into contact with me. He told her that he doesn't want any animosity between us and that he loves me and for me to call him. This made me extremely upset because then I found myself wagering on whether or not I would respond to his efforts. I promised myself a few months back that I would give myself a good six months of no contact to do the good part of healing that needs to be done and I intend to follow through with that. It is difficult though because although this person has been so cruel my forgiving nature finds myself wanting to comfort him and be there for him during this time. I know that I cant and I shouldn't , I also feel that if he really wants to get into contact with me that he should try harder than just shooting a message and expecting me to call him. With that being said what he might try to do now is come and find me if I do not respond to his efforts.
     
  15. Mjgainey

    Mjgainey New Member

    This is also what I was trying to explain about him always coming back into my life ! I changed my number and deleted my email. He isn't even friends with my friend on Instagram and even still he goes as far as to find her and contact me. She's a little weary and scared of how he found her to begin with lol.
     
  16. eve.ashley

    eve.ashley Well-Known Member

    You forgiving nature is something very amazing. It makes you a truly wonderful human being to have as a friend, or partner. So if he wants you back, I agree, he should show some real change. I can't tell you what to do. I just know he should have treated you the way he has.

    These are the trickiest things about bad partners, or and this is not your case, but it happens, abusive ones. They constantly do the same bad things and constantly want you back all regretful.

    Only you know if this guy is beyond any hope, or not entirely hopeless. Just be honest with yourself about it, and act accordingly.
    :heartpump:
     

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