Sad...confused.. and headed for divorce??

Discussion in 'Marital Problems' started by Kris, Jan 24, 2016.

  1. Kris

    Kris New Member

    Hi. So I'm brand new to this, but I really would love some outside advice and input...

    I'm 34 and my husband (33) and I have been together since we were 16 and 17... had a child right away.. went through little high school dramas but always have been known as the "bonnie and clyde" ride or die type... things use to be perfect and great and we had 2 more children in the past 6 years. (6 & 5). Things were still ok up until about 3 years ago. I am kinda a jealous person and he is as well. We have basically isolated ourselves from all friends at this point. We are never apart...besides when we are working and to be quite frank we have had sex maybe 10 times the past 3 years. Neither one of us are cheating but it really just feels like we are roommates taking care of our kids. He is an amazing dad and he can be sweet to me but things have just gotten to a point where I'm definitely not happy. He sleeps on the couch everyday which I work 3rd shift but on my 2 nights off I'd like to have him in bed. But he will fall asleep on the couch and then I just go to bed when I'm tired. 2 nights ago we had a gift bought for us for dinner and a jacuzzi suite... we went to dinner.. fooled around in the hot tub for about 10 min... he "came" and then it was game over. We got out and he was sleeping in 5 minutes. I've complained about this and him sleeping on the couch endless times. Nothing changes. Then I will be upset and thinking all night and then he wants to wake up all happy like nothing and it really upsets me. He thinks our relationship (17 yrs-married 12) is totally fine and nothing is wrong. I get that things lessen or become more boring or whatever but it still just doesn't feel right. He said he is self conscious n that's why we don't have sex alot. All he wants are bjs... makes me think it's me like I don't get him worked up anymore. Idk.. does this seem normal? I feel like it should be him complaining about not getting enough, not me. And 6 months ago (knowing I'm not allowed to talk to guys) I said maybe I should get a gf...since u don't wanna ever fool around.. he told me I could... spent 3 months finding the right one.. the day we were suppose to meet.. he gives me the puppy face and says he don't want me to now... idk.. I can't believe my life is this messed up now. And I have no one to talk to because I have no friends anymore. Any outside thoughts? Do I sound like I'm just being a spoiled brat? He is a good guy and loves to give me money to go to the casino cuz that's the only thing I do now so whenever I'm upset.. that's his solution.. gives me a few dollars to go there with as long as when I get home I'm not "bitchy" or upset anymore, and because I'm basically addicted now I always take the deal.. but the underlying issue never gets fixed. Just bandaged. I know I'm rambling but any suggestions or input plz??
     
  2. Theo

    Theo New Member

    Couples that marry early find out that they change when they hit their 30s and 40s. Your relationship needs to develop too. Maybe you should get involved with your kids mothers and make friends that way, get involved in school activities or some library groups? Many do book clubs and it's a good habit to take the children to the library.

    It can be hard to make friends outside, but you can do it gradually. You'll find many other mothers enjoy talking to others even just for a coffee.
     
  3. darkrebelchild

    darkrebelchild New Member

    @Theo is right. Relationships that have lived that long do suffer but divorce is not always the solution. I would recommend you both see a counselor to bring back the spark. There may be things you both overlook that needs to be addressed; you @Kris both need professional help. It does not mean you both don't have the strength to stay together but it's best to take decisions that will affect your kid and yourselves positively.

    Every marriage has its trials, I trust you can overcome it.
     
  4. caughtup

    caughtup New Member

    You know the saying, "absence makes the heart grow fonder"? Well it really is true. Maybe you guys could use some time apart. Not like a break from the relationship, but maybe one of you takes a vacation or something. Have you guys really talked about this in depth before? To see where you both stand and come to common ground. I think you just need to spice it up a little bit and remember that you fell in love with each other. I am wishing you all the best.
     
  5. Trellum

    Trellum New Member

    I don't think you are being a brat, I'd be upset if I was in a relationship that feels like a roommate one. The lack of intimacy is already harming the relationship, I am just surprised it didn't happen sooner. Plus when you give him bjs... does he reciprocate? You know, does he worry about giving you pleasure as well? That is very important as well. You should try couple counseling, it sounds like you guys have a lot issues t work on. Maybe a professional can help you, I truly hope so!
     
  6. OpinionatedMommy

    OpinionatedMommy New Member

    Many times couples forget what brought them together in the first place, the excitement of time together. We sometimes forget that they need our attention also. I would suggest you set up a sitter one night and take him on a date, do something you know would excite him. If he is self conscious about himself come on to him a little more, let him see you are still attracted to him. Try setting sometime for just y'all away from the house (sometimes being at home you feel all the responsibilities of the house). I use to complain my fiancee did not set up dates anymore, he never took "the first step" while discussing this with a friend of mine she asked me "Have you taken the first step".

    That weekend I rented a hotel room, brought in a Nanny for the house and children, went to his work (he works night shift) and handed him the hotel key. I was dressed up, not in mommy attire, and said "I will see you at 10:30 I suggest you not be late". From that night forward we have taken turns setting up different adventurous ways to keep the spice alive. It really helped our relationship, we do not do it monthly or bi monthly but when one of us can tell the weight of the world is on the other we set up a special night just for us.

    I hope this helps!
     
  7. ReadmeByAmy

    ReadmeByAmy New Member

    In a married life sometimes we need to be creative in our sweetness when it comes to how we can bring back the spice into the relationship. Make sure that you have the time once in while you go on a dating like what both of you are doing before when you are still in your boyfriend/girlfriend relationship. Give each other unexpected surprises in special occasions that will make both of you will appreciate and to still feel well love by each other. Give and take into the relationship is also important. But a divorce is not the right solution when things are not doing good into the relationship. I know you can still work it out and always have that faith in your heart. This things are only trials in your married life and I do hope that you can overcome all of this things.
     
  8. I understand how you feel and I really hope that things will get better between the two of you.
    You need time together away from the kids at least once a week.
    Try to find a babysitter to watch your kids.
    And I would also recommend you to find a new hobby or meet up more with other mothers, go to the playgrounds together or just hang out and have some coffee.
    By spending just time together with him it will intensify your relationship. I know how it is once you have kids a lot changes. you do not spend that much time anymore just as a couple...If you start a new hobby and meet with other mothers that will keep you busy and make you more interesting for him. I would also try to spice things up between you guys when you want to get intimate. Maybe do some role play or something or massage each other's backs. Last but not least if all that fails then I would go to a counselor and get some help.
     
  9. hangingin

    hangingin New Member

    Agreed marriage does change as we age and experience life's challenges. Sounds like you are willing to put the effort with regards to being sexual which honestly is a more than half the battle. Communication is so important which you probably already know. I've been married 13 years together almost 16 so similar to you. Yes we have had our challenges and the last 6 months have been very challenging beyond what I think I can deal with but keeping positive and focused on a resolution helps so much. All the best!
     

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