sexless marriage

Discussion in 'Marital Problems' started by Unregistered, Sep 25, 2011.

  1. Unregistered

    Unregistered Guest

    I've been with my husband for over 14 years, married for four, and we haven't had sex for more than two years. It's always been fairly intermittent. He says he wants to have sex, too, and that it matters to him, but he doesn't act on it. Three years ago I told him how unhappy I was and that if things weren't going to change I couldn't stay with him. We've been to Relate and for sex therapy. The Relate counsellor didn't discuss the lack of sex at all. The sex therapist seemed to understand how unhappy I was, but then abruptly terminated our sessions, saying that we should both see psychotherapists, but didn't explain why. My husband expresses his caring for me by cooking dinner, but I've gained so much weight that this isn't an unambiguous pleasure for me. I don't talk to my friends because deep down I worry that people will look at me and think: "No wonder he doesn't want to have sex with her – she should look at herself." Rationally, I know I should leave, but I have a bad feeling that the reason I don't is just that I love my house, and maybe no one else would want me
  2. Cecil15

    Cecil15 New Member

    I feel sorry for what you are going through, dear. It must be really awful not having to do what you always wanted to with your husband. I think this needs a little teamwork from both of you. I guess you should talk to him about this and discuss what you could do to make things work and improve your relationship. I also suggest that you take time to pamper yourself and have a makeover so that your hubby will notice you more.

    I wish you all the best in this problem. Good luck!
  3. Lucy

    Lucy New Member

    I am sorry that you feel bad about yourself. Would your husband agree to go to a different counselor? That is terrible the counselor ended your sessions with no real explanation. Are you doing anything to make yourself happy and to see yourself in a positive way? I would try finding an activity or hobby to engage in on daily basis to at least make you start feeling better about yourself first.
  4. M.H.West

    M.H.West New Member

    Tsk, tsk, sweetie! Get out of that pity party and do something about it! First off if you feel uncomfortable with your weight, stop using food for temporary satisfaction! Get on a routine, for yourself and no other reason, and start changing your life! Take control of your sexual life and attack if necessary. You don't have to wait for him to make the first move! If you want some take it, I do and believe it or not it really really excites my husband when I take control. Your man loves you and he show you by cooking for you and I am sure several other things. So, if you want change in your life and you are not happy with it, then change it! I have faith in you and just remember it doesn't matter what size you are, that doesn't define beauty!
  5. moves_like_jagger

    moves_like_jagger New Member

    First things first. What are we tackling here, the weight issue or the sex issue?

    If you think sex is not happening because of your body size, then do something about the body size. Lose weight, that's the only thing I can say. If your weight is causing the sex problem, then you must do something about the cause first (weight issues), then the effect after (lack of sex).

    Also, have you tried asking him what's the cause of lack of urge to have sex? Ooops, let me ask you first, are you ready for his answer? For if you are really serious about reviving the sex department, you must be open minded about it. Know the reason even if it hurts. Do not get insulted or whatever. Take it as a challenge to revive your sex life.

    Lastly, have you tried talking to a doctor about this? Doctor, not counselor. I asked because there are ailments that decreases a person's appetite for sex. Diabetes, I heard, is one. Consult a doctor and ask on what to do. I just hope that your man is open to this option.

    Good luck!! I wish you well!
  6. mommymumbles

    mommymumbles New Member

    You have gotten some good advice here. But I am a bit confused on a couple of things: does your husband try to initiate having sex with you and you just do not want to? Or do neither of you attempt to have sex at all? Are you reluctant to have sex because you feel you are unattractive and overweight?

    I think you need to see a doctor and get a complete check-up, as someone else advised. Also, perhaps seeing a therapist by yourself and for yourself would help. You may need to figure out what is going on with you first, before you can address your marriage issues.

    I hope you get some help....mostly for you so you can start to feel better about yourself. Good Luck sweetie!
  7. Santana

    Santana New Member

    I have been in marriage for 5 years and last time my husband and I had sex was over 2 years ago and I'm not happy about it. We usually do it twice or trice a month. I am wondering why he's not asking for it or maybe he is just busy doing his work but gosh 2 years! And I don't know if he noticed it or what. He's working in his office for 6 days and 1 day in our house he is just so busy facing his laptop and touching his papers and his office desk. I don't even know if he's aware that he have a wife!. Next month we will celebrate our 6th wedding anniversary and I want it to be special and unforgettable so I'd decided to take our sex life into the next level. I searched for something that can spice up our intimacy time and luckily a friend of mine told me to look for this online store, adamandeve[dot]com and they're offering something that can make our sex life more exciting. I bought the Unleashed 4 and some of them are even 50% off + Free Shipping + DVDS and other goodies. My friend also told me to use LUST20 at the checkout to get the discount.I can't wait for it to arrive! Maybe after watching this he will love to be in our room with me rather than to be in his office with his laptop. And I hope this will save me for being a total sexless wife.
    Last edited: Aug 5, 2014
  8. Trellum

    Trellum New Member

    So sorry to hear you are going thru this... is there a chance he could be cheating? If that's the case, then it's up to you to leave or to stay, if it was me I'd just leave if he was cheating on me. I mean, no offense, but no guy can be 2 years with no sex if he has a wife, unless he is seeing someone else. Think about it. If that's the case you must make a hard decision... stay or leave? I know a woman who is still with her husband despite he cheating on her, he still provides for her well.
  9. rosa

    rosa New Member

    So sorry for how you're feeling about your relationship with your husband. Have you tried asking him why he doesn't want to have sex? Maybe you need to make the first move in order to find out his response. If he is not playing your tune then he may have some issue that needs a physician or therapists help.
  10. atourist

    atourist New Member

    It sounds like you are using food for all kinds of excuses and solutions, and that will never be any help. Your weight is up to you to sort out, and when you feel better about yourself you will be able to think more clearly and positively.

    And your other problem is you don't just communicate. Don't rely on counsellors or use them as an excuse. Sit down and talk to each other. You will never solve your problems until you both understand what they are.
  11. sadum

    sadum New Member

    I agree with the above post, you need to sit down with your husband and talk about this that is the only way you can find valid answers. At the end of the day happiness matters in a relationship, and if you will sacrifice your life to a man you fel does not make you happy I think you should think about possibly options to take. You might also talk to him and find he needs your help so in that case try and help him.
  12. youngisthan

    youngisthan New Member

    I think many couples go through this issue after a certain year of marriage.
    Both husband and wife have to work on it and make the life good.
    I think why don't you work on yourself, look good work on your weight i am sure this problem will vanish soon.
  13. sadum

    sadum New Member

    I am not a psychologist or what so ever but reading your story I found that you are only missing confidence at this point. Having sex with your partner is the most connection you mostly need which is beyond just physical interaction but emotion as well. Until you are okay with yourself emotional then you will find it easy to please your husband. You said he also said he wants to make love but never act on it, well that is because he might not be getting signals from you which are of sexuality. It all begins with you. Start believing in your self gain your inner brave, positive strong confidant sexy woman first secondly plan a nice romantic dinner and make hot love in sexy lingerie and just lighten up and have fun with your man, soon after he will then see it is not impossible to meet you half way.
  14. Loveblissed

    Loveblissed New Member

    You answered your own question here sweetheart. I know it is not an easy situation to be in or decision to make but eventually it will hurt you too much to stay. Be brave. What is your life worth? You deserve to be happy.

    There's so many ways to improve inner and outer beauty today. Often it's just your own opinion about yourself that needs an adjustment and if there's something you want - just make the decision and choose the way that suit you the best.

    You can do whatever you want.
  15. mari

    mari New Member

    2 years without love making? YOUCH. Dear Lady, first off, this is not all on you. It takes two.
    People need to be loved. Needs it. To go so long without deep physical embrace would take a toll which it indubitable is doing on you and i'm sorry your going through this.
    I'm sure you and your man have had many talks about this already. I wonder what he says about it. Has he offered any just reasons or is it simply a lack of sex drive? I could suggest Ginseng which has been used for centuries to improve sex drive along with many other health benefits. I know it's no magic wand but it may help.

    You need to take care of yourself. A woman can't go this long without love especially considering you two live in the same house, he's there with you, your there with him yet still no loving in the bedroom department. This is a tough one. I've heard of months without but years? Not fair at all.
    May I ask if it's not too personal, what has he said about it when you talk to him? Defensive? Considerate?
    Without knowing more, I don't know what else to say aside from, everyone needs love. Don't put this all on you.
  16. augustus

    augustus New Member

    So sorry for what you're experiencing right now with your marriage. But right now, I think you should stop all excuses and focus on the problem that you and your husband is in right now. Talk to him straight and know what's preventing the two of you of not having sex. Figure out what's really causing this problem to both of you. You may also have to undergo some body make-over and weight-reduction program to keep you attractive to him.

    You can never solve the problem unless both of you understand what it is.

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