Hello... I have a weird problem that probably isn't very unusual though, unfortunately. I am very shallow both about myself and the men I fall for. I have a certain type but they are always very popular... and aware of their looks so they either don't want a relationship (I don't even need to ask to see that) or they are the type who cheats if they do agree to one. So I keep a distance from those men, try to give others a chance but I end up bored and unattracted to them. I am a deep person at the same time... I think a lot, I hate shallow people (I was bullied by shallow people for many years) which is a bit hypocritical I guess and I have very low self-confidence and always think that everybody hates me or thinks i'm that weird introvert yet at the same time I am aware of my good looks and I have a mindset that says "why should I settle for an ugly person when I could score a model?" and I hate myself for that !!! I would rather be with a normal-looking guy who's faithful and down to earth but then how do I find them physically attractive?? That is the problem. My most recent ex I fell for during a time of vulnerability after an abusive relationship and I knew from the start he didn't look anything like my type but at first I fell for how hard to catch he was which was only because he had social phobia as it turned out. He turned out to be odd but very nice and we had a lot of stuff in common when we started dating and I fell for him hard very fast but as I look back there wasn't any attraction even at the start... or was I just not ready to be close to someone new. I have no idea. Because for example I didn't like kissing him even... but holding hands and hugging was fine and I was very cuddly with him and enjoyed being close to him but eventually all attraction was gone and I didn't even like hugging him anymore and I broke up which was very difficult for me because to this day i've never met a more supportive and loving man who's always there when you need him and we are still pretty much best friends although we aren't together anymore. That was his decision - I would never force a man to stay in my life as just a friend after breaking his heart and he didn't want to have anything to do with me at first but then changed his mind and I asked him multiple times on multiple different occasions if being friends was really fine by him and he said yes and I don't mind because lonley as I am I don't say no to a friend + he really is a great person although he has some personal issues. I don't find him physically attractive... I guess at first I thought his looks were acceptable but not anymore. I don't know if that is all or if I have locked away my emotions completely which I had already when I first met him because I had been so heartbroken that I would not have been able to get out of bed every morning or anything else either for that matter... if I didn't turn off my emotions. It was scary and I don't know if i've left that state now or just used to it but everyone who knows me can agree that I am depressed, lacking motivation for even things I used to enjoy and I am in therapy but it doesn't do much of a difference. But while I was together with my most recent ex I was happy and I had more fun with him and we did more things than i've ever done altogether in one year ever in the past but sometime after a couple of months I realized I still had feelings for my abusive ex and that was when I first broke down and then I started feeling numb again and it even caused me to act cold towards my most recent ex before eventually breaking up with him, thinking that he was pathetic for loving me. I didn't use to be like that??? I ask myself often why I can't be in love with him.. I think he still loves me because of the way he looks at me, for example. And he's always so excited to see me and i'm always so cold. I'm not sure if it's only because i'm that shallow a person and he's not "attractive enough" or if it's because i've put up such high walls around my heart. My ex though is the only person who's ever succeeded to get under my shell which is hard work since i'm very introverted and always have been... it's hard for people to get to know me and it's hard for me to open up to someone but him I feel comfortable talking to about pretty much anything and we even have little fights about stupid things like we never did when we were dating, a friend of mine said a while ago we were acting like a married couple lol... I wish I knew how to open my heart again, and to not be shallow. But I don't know how I would. I'm kind of terrified of love nowadays but at the same time I want it... I have been a hopeless romantic all my life, it's just my personality and as a very artistic person both love and pain inspire me in what I do therefore if I can't feel any love wether it be just a crush on someone or a significant other I feel very empty. I don't think there is anything wrong with that, it's just how I was born, but now I can't feel anything.