Should I get involved with a girl with drug problems?

Discussion in 'Dating Advice' started by thatoneguy16, Dec 25, 2016.

  1. thatoneguy16

    thatoneguy16 New Member

    Hello,

    I am 16 and a sophomore at a prep school and a male (although I am a day student). The girl that I speak in reference of in the tittle is 18 and a border at my school which makes things all the more complicated. I don't want to hear bullshit about the age gap I am aware of the legality of it and could not give less of a fuck. The reason why I say this is that for my entire life I have dated girls older than I simply because there is to much bull shit surrounding girls my age. To have full disclosure since it is relevant to the topic at hand she is weed dealer at my school. For some clarification she is friends with many of the people she sells to since there are only a handful of people that smoke at my school. I have been buying from her since last year and I we have had lunch and just hung and for months I attempted to get out of the friend zone. About a few weeks ago it became clear that there was significant sexual tension between us. The last day before break I met her in her dorm room, we made out for a while, and then eventually had sex. We have not had a chance to talk yet for various personal reasons on her end. Before someone says she is ignoring me this is not true but out of respect I don't want to put her family problems on the internet. So with this background explained let me address my real dilemma here. It is not just weed that she is doing she consistently does acid, shrooms, and abuses adderall prescriptions. It is not the moral problem of doing any of these things as I smoke weed my self and on occasion have done shrooms I quite frankily don't give a fuck what people do with their own body. But she often times does these things on school nights and comes to class completely fucked up. Again I don't have moral problem with this but I question whether I want to get caught up with someone who is probably going on a downwards path. I should state that she is probably one of the nicest most easy going people you have ever met and she is beautiful. This is part of what I like about her whenever we are together it is never awkward even if I fuck up and say something dumb. In short I am wondering what your take is on this as I have asked many people but all I get back is "Fuck ya go for it she's hot as hell". I have had my fair share of crushes and short relation ships in the past and I do think that this might be heading for a more meaningful path. As a side note I have been dating girls much older than I for a few years now as I look a lot older than I am. Also again I would like to restate that if your going to make a comment about our ages just fuck off and scroll on down as this is not the issue at hand here.
     
  2. TimNWC2018

    TimNWC2018 New Member

    My advice is to steer clear of a serious relationship with anyone who abuses drugs. You'd be asking for heartache, otherwise.
     
  3. eve.ashley

    eve.ashley Well-Known Member

    Dude I'd marry you. You sound so well rounded for such a young man. If your sex is illegal in your state, be careful she can go to jail for this and end up on a sex offender list. Check out if Romeo and Juliet laws cover you, does it mean no jail or just not a felony, just do not give people ammunition to shoot your gf down.

    The drugs, acid, shrooms, and adderall must stop, for both of you. You can smoke pot together but dealing must stop. If she wants to sell weed she needs to get a legal job if that's possible in your state. Later after school.

    Now you sound like a badass dude, just take things slowly with her and when she's really in love with you and you've bonded just talk to her about sorting out her life. She is going nowhere good on this path but jail.

    At some point you will have to be "me or drugs", but do not be hasty with that, make love loads more, date, bond, become her bf, her confidant and then try getting her to want to clean up her act a bit, if not then well, let's put it this way...

    I cannot smoke, my husband will have none of it, it annoys the life out of him. Of course it does, why wouldn't it, so I have my awesome, amazing husband on one side, and smoke free life or cigarettes and boozing alone on the other...

    What do you think I'd choose?

    (Husband can't drink health issues so it looks super retarded when i partake in fun he cannot have that is killing my liver, haha, some fun... So I don't drink either, I'm not one of those silly people who have one glass of wine, I drink to get tipsy, why else, lol)

    Not that he'd leave me for smoking but he would make some very good points, like what if he felt like not managing he's blood sugar and just getting himself a bit sick, how cool would that be for me to watch. My husband is a type one diabetic.

    So, anyway, be wise, establish yourself as the bf, then you try to get her to see reason, and sense, if that fails you give a bit of an ultimatum, you don't say it that way you say, health, worried, cannot make me watch you do that to your body, I love your body, I need you healthy, or I'm out of here...

    To be honest dude? I'd stop doing drugs for you, and I don't even know you. You sound hot for a kid, basically, I'm 38 I could be like your grad mum or something, I can say the k word.

    So, help this girl clean her act up, she sounds worth the trouble...
     
    Last edited: Dec 27, 2016
  4. eve.ashley

    eve.ashley Well-Known Member

    He's a strong kid, he can do this, and she's just a kid herself, and she's just a kid herself, she needs his presence now...Don't be selfish she would not be the first person to be saved by a love of a good man.
     
  5. I think you already know your answer. Drug abuse goes hand in hand with a lot of other problems. One major one that will end up affecting you is that drug abusers tend to struggle significantly with maintaining healthy relationships. They tend to have issues with trust, emotional stability, unresolved traumas, etc. Those are all things that take a lot of time and work to mend, and they're nothing that you can band aid over with Love. Happy, well adjusted people don't abuse drugs. Doesn't mean by any stretch that she is a bad person, just that she likely has some underlying trouble happening.

    That being said, you're 16. You don't have to marry her. It sounds like you are going to do what you want anyways, so if you are looking for someone to have fun with for the short term go ahead and do it. Just be safe and smart about it, and understand that things will probably not work out long term for your benefit
     
  6. eve.ashley

    eve.ashley Well-Known Member

    Jesus, you're cold. Have you ever met anyone who was not that well adjusted, at that moment in time, they were maybe in trouble or surrounded by arse holes, and felt the need to help that person, and not just to use them for your own gratification, short term?

    You are advising a 16 year old kid to use an 18 year old kid short term fully knowing she already has so much problems and arse holes in her life she abuses drugs.

    You are so cold and matter of fact about him using her, on top of her problems that I had to say something.

    People should not be using people, if he will not take her for all she is, baggage included, he should stay away or he will push her deeper in her hell.

    I really wish you would be more responsible when advising very young men or women, people and telling them they should use someone. Do you feel responsible at all for what you say, especially to someone who has only 16 years of life experience on this Earth?
     
  7. Should I be giving advice to a 16 year old- says the 38 year old who says he "sounds hot" and would "marry him".... let the irony sink in on that one...you legitimately need help lady. I don't see how you can be mentally stable and say the things you do. Honestly. That's not even an insult, it's an observation. I could go on but you're not worth the energy.

    Don't want to feed the trolls anymore here. I know you're the type checking this site eagerly waiting for a response for some excitement since you don't have anything else going on other than the internet. I won't be giving you anymore of the attention and validation you so desperately lack. So once again dear, spin those wheels because I won't be reading it.

    OP- if you have misconstrued my comment as horribly as this person did, please message me and I can explain further ☺ Sorry for the BS
     
  8. eve.ashley

    eve.ashley Well-Known Member

    Wow, I actually had extensive training how to teach and help teenagers grow up. What I said were harmless but true compliments that were not meant to flirt with the young man, but give him confidence and commend his strength and non nonsense attitude.

    You are a bitter mean woman who is trying to dump her frustrations on me and tells practically kids they should exploit vulnerable messed up people. I am an author who works on her computer and comes here in my tea breaks to help people, not that this is any of your business.

    I will report your insults to the admin here. I will also say something every time you are irresponsible and try to get 16 year old man who sounds more mature then you are, as he is not looking to exploit anyone, and who gets less sociopathic advice form his peers who only say "she's hot man, who cares if she's messed up", which still sounds way less toxic and sociopathic than what you advised him.

    Also, where I live 16 is the age of consent, as well as in most first world places, so even if I wanted to flirt of sleep with a 16 year old, (where it's legal) that is none of your business. This is not about what you find acceptable or not , especially if it's perfectly healthy according to science and legal under the law, but about a young man who has only 16 years of experience on this Earth and has been a man for less than a year, whom you're teaching that using people is OK, even if they are already vulnerable and in trouble.

    Lastly, your ad hominem fallacy is foolish and immature, I can be spawn of the devil, but I gave that young man, good, decent, human, and humane advice, you are teaching him to exploit people for his instant gratification. Every time you do that I will say something and if you continue to try and ill advise this man in private messages I will ask the admins to ban you.
     
    Last edited: Dec 31, 2016
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  9. LoveAdmin

    LoveAdmin Administrator Staff Member

    I think everyone here actually means well. People are giving their advice which you can definitely disagree with and I encourage people to disagree with advice when they think it is bad advice. That said, I think we can disagree while still being respectful to each other. I don't like to see name calling going on here. Debate is good. Personal attacks not so much. It doesn't end up helping anyone, they just get frustrated
     
  10. eve.ashley

    eve.ashley Well-Known Member

    Sure I agree. I don't think I've engaged in personal attack and when attacked personally I pointed it out that's all.

    Please, If i have overstepped defending myself and attacked the poster in question, please point that out to me, so I can be mindful not to do that again. I'm not here to fight. My disagreement was purely worry about a 16 year old man and an obviously already troubled and in need of help 18 year old woman. Last thing she needs is a bf who will see her as instant gratification and discard her as damaged goods after he will have his fun.

    Nothing to do with gender, everything to do with their age, so much potential for her to get better and get help if, especially if, she meets a loving, determined, smart, badass kid that actually cares and knows she's on a bad path...Which she has, as this young man can well be the best thing that ever happened to this young woman. He can at least try, as he seems to care and wants to try, he seems strong and not into illicit drugs at all, she poses no threat to his well being.

    Again, if both you and utter will agree that I have somehow overstepped and insulted the woman, who bombarded me with ad hominum attacks I would like to know as I am trying not to be that sort of person. However, the woman's ill will makes me have little faith that I can expect anything but personal attacks from her, this is not the first time, she's done this before. She's given irresponsible advice before, and when asked about it, confronted she proceeded with getting personal and fighting.

    She perhaps isn't aware of the fact that behind each OP is a person a life, someone who needs opinion and help and they can choose to ignore mine and take hers, I've no problem with it, but she never learned the difference between arguing and a nasty, below the belt attacks of personal nature that are fighting.

    What am I suppose to do, take the high road, I think I have.

    Please tell me is there a higher road I should take when someone says this to me: "... don't see how you can be mentally stable and say the things you do....I know you're the type checking this site eagerly waiting for a response for some excitement since you don't have anything else going on other than the internet. I won't be giving you anymore of the attention and validation you so desperately lack..."

    In fact, LoveAdmin, forget feedback on how I handled this, I find your vague and unspecific criticism of "name calling" in general insulting. How much do you earn from this forum I keep for you, and what of that have you shared with me? I, at the very least, deserve respect and for you clearly standing up in my defense when a malicious woman that has a personal grudge against me, teaching 16 year olds that using people, especially if they're troubled is OK, attacks me personally and viciously.

    Maybe you should think about that.

    Edit: To ad insult to injury, I've just found out the 'delete your account' feature is disabled. This is actually worse than what FB does to its users. Perfect ending to all the time I wasted here earning money for you, while fearing will some psycho bitch (of any gender) puke their frustrations on me for trying to protect very young and inexperienced, or in some other way vulnerable, people from their sociopaths "advice", while the best I can expect from you is to reprimand us both as if I was the one doing something wrong. Find another fool Loveadmin I'm done.
     
    Last edited: Jan 10, 2017
  11. LoveAdmin

    LoveAdmin Administrator Staff Member

    I wasn't specifically criticizing you or saying that you were "name calling". It was a just a gentle reminder to all parties to try and get along.

    But now that you mention it, as far as who was name calling goes, "Unnaturalthings" didn't mention you at all in his first post on this thread until after you mentioned him.

    To which he definitely took it to a higher level and it escalated from there. I'm not pointing fingers or saying anyone was wrong. You two had a disagreement. It happens. I'm not reprimanding anyone over this, just stating the policy that people try and be nice to each other.

    As far as how much money I make on this site... the income from these ads doesn't cover the server costs so I don't make anything from it. It actually costs me money to keep it open for people to discuss whatever is on their mind and I'm not big on censorship so I will let it happen.

    I do appreciate the effort you have put into this site to help others but I am not making any money off it.
     
    Unnaturalthings likes this.
  12. Good Morning all,

    One more time...one more time and then that's it....Here's my viewpoint...

    *Big sigh* Just wanted to point out that I long ago put this member on "ignore." I won't give examples why or go into it further. Not gonna go there. No thanks. It just takes the focus off what's important. She wants to say things, knock yourself out, but it doesn't mean I have to read it or engage. Everyone has a right to their own opinion, and I chose to let her have hers and simply removed myself from having to see it. I do not want to waste my time arguing with anyone or experiencing negativity, when so much of my life is positive and about gathering the positive around me. I come here to help others if I can as I enjoy a very happy marriage and feel that I am in a good place to assist others in achieving something similar in their own lives after making many similar mistakes and enduring similar heartaches. I completely turned things around in the best ways possible years ago. I actually work in the mental health/medical field and have had countless rewarding experiences with people needing support. I find my training helpful in identifying certain behaviours/traits/patterns, etc.

    That being said, the member and I clearly don't agree on a lot of things, BUT I think differences of opinion can be a great thing! The way I see it, is that by expressing a variety of experiences and opinions, there is a higher chance that Something will strike the right chord within the OP and make the pieces fall into place. Differing experiences are great. Debate is great. What is not great is when it appears as though one member has taken it upon themselves to patrol the message boards like it's their job and often insults and degrades other's advice and/or posts as though hers will automatically be the superior statement. This is a community, not a dictatorship. There is no superior opinion, only different opinions.

    ***If someone has an opinion other than your own, it doesn't make them "wrong" or subject to reprimand.***

    To me, there is NO need whatsoever to pick apart the other comments, and it creates an imbalance where people become turned off of posting, therefore limiting the conversations the posters would like to create. When I first joined here, there seemed to be far more people involved, and to be honest, I did start receiving messages from other members whom were upset and deterred by this person and feeling attacked in threads and generally not wanting to be a part of this board anymore. They privately offered support and agreement, not wanting to post publicly for fear of reprisal. And guess what? I don't see any of them as active members anymore. Their voices have been carried elsewhere. It's most unfair to the people seeking support. If you care about the people posting, respectfully allow others to contribute their say, whether you agree with it or not. We all have a story to share and deserve to share it without judgement. I can't comment on what has happened since, but I do notice a decline in active membership/postings.

    There shouldn't be any reason to comment or analyze everyone else's thoughts and experiences. Let's keep the focus on the OP's and their issues they are seeking help regarding. Let's all have the maturity and respect to make that happen. The comments are for the OP's, not for other members to dissect and pass judgement on. Is that so difficult?

    I have been extremely busy with some new projects for the last several months and have been off this site for a while, and as soon as I revisited and began posting, I started noticing "Show Ignored Content" messages on my comments. I had wrongly assumed that after placing a member on the Ignore list, I would be completely blocked from seeing their content, as well as my comments from them. (Similar to Facebook) Again, I do not care to interact with this person nor need/want to see what they have to say. Nor do I want to defend myself again and again to them. I don't care. That was the entire purpose of putting her on Ignore. I stay on my side, you stay on yours. Simple.

    I made the mistake of clicking that "Show Ignored Content" button to once again, an attack. Big mistake to click that button. Right back into the negativity vortex I had been trying to avoid. I took the bait and paid the price with my frustration. It's a misstep I recognize and will not make again. Once again, my words have been completely manipulated, misinterpreted, and used to stomp on my character. I literally did a Facepalm. I NEVER suggested (or intended to suggest, for argument's sake) the OP use this girl, for sexual or other purposes. What I meant was that if he chose to pursue her, it would most likely be a short term experience and to not expect a lasting love connection due to these particular circumstances. That's it. It's possible to have relationships with people with the understanding that it will probably not last for the long haul and still enjoy the experience while it lasts. He said he likes her so yes, that option is there to date and hang out and go out and have fun together, but not to get his hopes up that it will be a Forever thing. I didn't suggest he use her for sex or otherwise, I do not condone that behaviour whatsoever or would ever advise someone to do something so vile. I didn't even mention sex at all! I also didn't suggest she is a bad person or unworthy because she uses drugs. I work with fantastic people who happen to struggle with addiction issues all the time. I do not appreciate my words being misconstrued and publicly declared to be something they aren't. I especially do not appreciate feeling like I have been backed into a corner and having to defend my actions to someone whom I was not even wanting any interaction with in the first place. The only reason I responded was that I could not simply say nothing as I did not want this young man walking away believing that was my intended message, as it wasn't. I would feel guilty if he had. If I crossed the line, I do apologize to LoveAdmin only for the offense. If anyone felt like they had a right to ask for clarity on my comments, there would have been many other ways to approach that and achieve that purpose other than what was chosen. Could I have made my message clearer? After re-reading my original comment, yes, I could have, and that again could have been remedied with a simple question to further define my comment. When I'm only posting a paragraph instead of having a face to face conversation, miscommunication can happen.

    Again, I have placed this member on Ignore and if she feels like she is not capable of either A) not reading other's comments or B) not responding negatively if she doesn't agree, then please, by all means, place me on your Ignore list. Please do, actually. I said I would no longer read anything this person wrote, and I kept my promise. I did not read her reply- ANY replies- or engage her futher, therefore taking the high road and removing myself from the fight. Her words fell on deaf ears on my end and will continue to do so. I repeat- I haven't and will not read any more of her replies. Do us both a favor and put me on Ignore. If I get under your skin so bad, why wouldn't you? I did not- and do not- want to waste any more of my time or energy on such nonsense, and am already feeling some regret of having spent another moment on this. Let's focus on the posters as they are the reason this site exists!

    Thank you to LoveAdmin for your hard work and kind heart to provide a place for people seeking support. And you know what? Thanks to eve.ashley for all the time and effort you devote to these people!
    Now onto better things.... :)
     
    Last edited: Jan 11, 2017
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