Struggling Marriage: Feeling unwanted and uncared for

Discussion in 'Marital Problems' started by PeterCJ0seph, May 4, 2015.

  1. PeterCJ0seph

    PeterCJ0seph New Member

    My wife and I have been married for 2 1/2 years. We got married when she was 21 and I was only 20 so definitely young. Is it possible that we rushed in to it? Perhaps. Regardless I love her with all of my heart and want things to work out smoothly.

    Shortly after we got married I realized that she isn't very physical. She doesn't like sex or even kissing for more than a brief little kiss. If I want anything more I have to practically beg and she never enjoys it which causes me not to really enjoy it either. Obviously this is a problem because I have a sex drive that is alive and well. But it is also an issue because my "love language" is a combination of physical touch and words of affirmation. In other words I feel most loved in the moments where she would come up and kiss me for no reason or if she were to tell me she loves me without me saying it first (neither of which happen very frequently).

    She also battles with depression. I hate it for her but it takes it's toll on us as well. It causes her to have no energy and lately go to bad very early (like 9 o'clock). I feel like most of our time together is spent with her being sad and not even knowing why she is sad.

    She gets angry at me very easily (at least that is how it comes across). If I make a mistake such as failing to empty the dishwasher I'm the worst. She will remain upset not talking I me for a couple of hours over things that I find very minimal (I get that they upset her and she can get stressed out mixed with her depression but it's like she is always on her period. We can be fine and then she won't talk to me out I no where cause of something small). As I mentioned earlier, words are very important to me. Add the lack of being told that she loves me to the ease she has at getting mad at me and I usually wonder if she regrets marrying me.

    These are things I deal with on a regular basis but what has caused me to write this post is something new that happened tonight. She informed me that she plans on finding certain substances to smoke. She basically told me that like it or not she wants to try it an will. When we were dating she had a problem with smoking a different substance and it was hell for me. I mean it was torture until she finally decided she didn't want it anymore. I don't want to relive that. I am so scared that if she doesn't change her mind she will get addicted and it will be living hell again.

    I say all of the above not to point out what a bad person she is. She isn't a bad person. She has her flaws but so do I. I love her dearly and I believe he loves me as well. She does say so but sometimes it is hard for me to feel that she does. I really need some advice on how to handle these situations or how to work through them internally. She Usually gets mad if I bring them up so I know she isn't ready to change herself yet.

    Divorce is not an option for me. I believe once you promise yourself to someone you have promised yourself to them. It's a religious and personal conviction thing for me. I just would love advice from those who know more than I do about how to cope with these situations and work through them.

    Thank you and sorry for the rant.
     
  2. eve.ashley

    eve.ashley Well-Known Member

    I know you don't want to hear this, but divorce should be you option and a very likely one.

    You are not getting your needs met, at all in this relationship. You are getting yelled at for minor things, which prolonged constitutes abuse and well may be a sign of a bigger problem than depression. (Stuff like personalty disorders)

    You are not consulted when your wife makes an important lifestyle change, or reassured when she plans to do things she should know you have hesitations towards, because they did not go well in the past (I am referring to her deciding to smoke whatever she decided to smoke)

    You feel unwanted and not cared for...You are sexually frustrated.

    You might love your wife, but does she really love you?

    Do you deserve better than an unloving, selfish woman scolding you for not unloading a dishwasher?

    I'm sorry.
     
  3. PeterCJ0seph

    PeterCJ0seph New Member

    Thank you for your response. In answer to your question on if she really loves me I fully believe she does to the best of her abilities. That being said she comes from a divorced family and I also believe she doesn't know any better in some of these instances. She has seen her mom make big choices without consulting her dad an has witnessed time and again how they talk to one another and I believe that, in a way, she has learned to accept it as normal. I am very hopeful that over time this will change.
     
  4. eve.ashley

    eve.ashley Well-Known Member

    I can only wish you the best. I did not mean to offend. I hope you find a way to reach through your wives shell.

    She might be a good but traumatized person, and there is loads Love and a loving man can do to help there.

    I hope she realized how lucky she is to have you and you guys make through this rough patch and hit better times.
     
  5. PeterCJ0seph

    PeterCJ0seph New Member

    You didn't offend me at all. I asked for advice and you gave me yours. I appreciate that. Thank you for your kind words!
     

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