The Withering Tether

Discussion in 'Marital Problems' started by spiritnwhite, Jan 6, 2016.

  1. spiritnwhite

    spiritnwhite New Member

    Alright, this is going to be a long post because I feel all the details need to be told in full. So bickle your seat belts because I'm going strait up IMAX in here. :cool: ....
    To start off, me and my wife married way too early. We met in a certified nurses class and I had just gotten out of a bad relationship. I was not in a good place. I am pretty sure my wife manipulated my due to my problem of the time. Pay in mind I was pretty dull from depression. She was different. She showed plenty of affection from all sides and never had one bad word to say about me or anything that I did.
    Then came marriage..
    After we got married everything seemed to change and her hypocrisy was more and more visible. She hated whenever I spoke to other women but she had no problem speaking to not only other men. Which, I didn't care. I'm not that type but it was the principle of the matter that bothered me. And not only that, she frequently even spoke to many past boyfriends, one in particular really ground my gears.
    Before I go into detail about that, I want to explain some of the things that did bother me before we got married that she promised she would change but did not...
    First, she promised me children and even she herself brought the subject to the surface. Before we were married of course. I never thought of children of my own anytime soon but, she had one of her own that I love with all of my heart and treat as my own. Over the next month or two of our marriage I was really excited about the thought... but then she changed her mind and that's because...
    The second thing she changed, she has a tattoo of an old boyfriend on her arm that she brought up and asked me about and I said I would like it covered up. I know a lot of people have tattoos of the ex's on them. In fact, it's very nearly apart of daily life.

    View attachment 657
    YOU'RE NEXT BABY :D

    It's not the fact it's there. It's the fact that she said she would do something and then lied about it after we were married.
    And now we're onto her ex-boyfriend and why all of this bothered me. She still speaks to him. She frequently has told me how she loved him for X many years and that he was her first love and was the first one to treat her son decent since he's father did not.. And where does she go to see him? Prison. He's in prison. The reason why they split up? He went to prison. The fact she refused to remove the tattoo only after we were married and then continues to write and go out of her way (the prison is quite a number of hours away) to see him just was.. Wrong. Especially if I came within fifty feet within an ex of mine or even asked a lady at my local gym what I should eat to stay healthy.
    Granted, no one came to see him, and with the crime he committed, it's no big surprise. But, that still shouldn't give you an excuse to go against what your husband wants even though you know it hurts him. Especially considering I have gone out of my way and even cut off pockets of friends just to keep her happy.
    Now before I go into more about her, I want to talk about my problems and what her viewpoint of them are. No holding back. Self mutilation incoming and ready to impress. :bananna:
    I have spent the last ten years of my life taking care of the sick and helpless. I do not have much family and cherish everyone that is close to me. My mother fell ill after a complication to surgery in the late 90's then proceeded to development a debilitating, unknown form of A.L.S. A.L.S is known to numb certain parts of the body at any given day and instead of being a random gamble and feeling would return, it did not. It started at her toes and worked its way up until she could no longer walk by 2005. I left junior high school to take care of her but got my G.E.D later in life with shining scores. School wasn't teaching me much anyway. My mother passed in June of 2009 after the numbness reached her lungs and she refused to live on a ventilator. I do not blame her.
    Now comes round two of this nightmare. I was helping my R.N grandmother take care of my mother. Now, my grandmother, 73, is dying. Slowly. And for reasons unknown. One day she'll be up around and active then the next we're not sure if she is going to make it another forty eight hours. Last year was the worst year. This happened at least 4 times. She can no longer walk and depends on me to take care of her. She honestly needs twenty four hour care but we cannot afford to pay anyone. She wanted to give me and my little brother her house (about two months before she went downhill) because she had said it was the last thing she had to give... But now Medicade wants us to sell her house, the house she and my grandfather ( who just died in May) built, whom she herself just closed out her retirement to the hospital she worked at for twenty five years to close out a mortgage, to pay for the nursing care. I have no other family to help, either. An arthritic brother and uncle. That's all the family I have left.
    My wife resents the fact I take care of her and says that, "I never have time for her anymore." When she lived with me, all my time that was not with her was with her and her son. I even potty trained the young boy because his father would not. I cannot roam the streets forty hours of the week because I have a sick and injured, elderly woman who helped me my entire life and now needs help.
    We split up in November.. Not because of any of the things that I listed.. But because we had a roaring storm blow through our town that was blowing the back door open and I had lock it to keep water from rushing in. She works a part time job and was going for the door and I saw her doing this. I ran to it as soon as I could and she was locked out for two point five seconds. She proceeded to hit me with a glass portrait we had hanging up next to the wall... And when I stood in front of her to tell her I was sorry for the door and asked her why, she bit me in the arm so hard I will have a scar the rest of my life.
    She returned later and dressed my wounds.. Crying that she needed to change. A lie of course.
    A month and a half into the "change" she quit trying at all and even refuses to speak to me sometimes. She has become more and more bitter about the fact I take care of my bedbound grandmother and has even said if I want to come see her I know where she lives...
    This month.. My grandmother has had one near fatal heart attack and a bad fall that hair line fractured one of her vertebrae.. I called my wife off the hook because I needed emotional nurturing because of the pain I was in. I was told separation meant space and that I needed to quit stalking her..
    I

    That's all the larger details.. Just want to know what everyone thinks?? What should I do?
     
  2. eve.ashley

    eve.ashley Well-Known Member

    Everyone in your life is terribly selfish and abusive, except that young step son. You should have never dropped out od school or taken care of you ill mother at that age...Art any age.

    You should have gone to school, had freinds and a gf/bf...You should sell the damn house, it's just a house and the only person that house has sentimental value for is dying and will not get to see, it pretty soon. Then you should get your grandmother professional care in a really good hospice, and visit her often, every day if you want.You should have time for you, freinds and a sane gf who is not abusive.So cut that bitch who hit you out completely...

    You have no healthy boundaries with people, that when they cross you get rightfully upset. From how you describe your life you never had anyone who properly supported you and put you first. You never mattered to anyone, when will you allow yourself to be f u king pissed off about it?

    Your mother or grandmother should have never put the responsibility of caring for any of them on you, they should have insisted you go to school, not for Maths and Geography but for being with peers and not around a very ill mother all the time...

    You, my good man, have no idea what love is, you never had any, and naturally you can't give it...

    For you giving love means completely neglecting your needs and yourself and being a walkover for selfish mother, selfish grandmother and very abusive gf...

    You should start a new hobby, start dating sane people and look into therapy...You need to completely retrain your brain, and learn what it feels to respect yourself, fulfill your needs, recieve love from others, and give it..

    Also, do not think that you are doing this coz you are a better person than most people, you are not a good person, yet. You might be one day, but so far you are terrible to one innocent being you abuse terribly, and that is yourself...

    A good person would be good to hismelf first...So would value himself and his needs over some bloody house.

    Would walk out on a manipulative, lying bitch, way before she ever hit him, or at least after she has done it.

    This has little with being good, and a lot with you not believing you deserve any better...or simply not knowing that there is any better...Who could have taught you any better, with a mother and grandmother like that...

    I know you hate me by now, but someone had to tell you the truth, life is short and you haven't even started living it...

    Someone needs to shake you up a bit, stir some proper, genuine feelings and snap you out of your martyr zombie walk.

    People are obligated to only look after their ill spouses, and even that - if I got ill now, and my husband was 25 I'd want me in a home so he can have a normal life...

    Although course he'd keep me home, he loves me but he is my husband, my soul mate...Not my dad...I would never support him to ask our son to look after either of us full time...

    Having your children sacrifice their life to look after you is nasty...OK if a person had galloping cancer and a few months to live but you've given 10 years of your life away to look after others...That's just so wrong what they have done to you, and still doing it.

    Have women in your life no shame?Angry at me yet? Good, it's about time you had a real emotion, and expressed it...

    I better stop here, coz you must really hate me now? GOOD. Now go get therapy, new hobby and a few dates off of your new dating site profile...

    P.S None of this is you fault, you never had anyone to tell you the truth, or care...Now I have, use it constructively, and not just to lash out at me and keep clinging to you denial and selfish people that exploit you...i don't care how ill, or old they are...
     
    Last edited: Jan 6, 2016
  3. spiritnwhite

    spiritnwhite New Member

    agreed...

    You did spark some anger... But... It is needed.. I've let myself be wrapped in a web of depression and... Well, I have had one emotion. Pain.

    Lots.

    And lots

    Of pain.

    No, I'm not better than anyone else or believe I am. I'm just one man. I do care about other people.. But you are right in the way that caring does not mean absolute self sacrifice...

    I do need to get myself together and quit letting people walk all over me. I want to be a better person and a good one, and even someday I would love to attend and high quality medical school..

    Lots to ponder.. Lots of battles to be fought.. Just don't know where to start.
     
  4. eve.ashley

    eve.ashley Well-Known Member

    It's not your fault. You grew up around people who told you that to love means to neglect your needs and only tend to theirs.

    You can change that pattern of thinking and it will change the behavioural pattern. I do think you're a good person, but if you are not good to yourself, you will never go for any people that will appreciate that. Please DO value yourself over some house.

    Sell your grandmothers house and put thigns in such a way that the next ten years you spend tending to your own needs and sharing your life with people who will love to help you with it.

    I do believe you that you had loads of pain, becasue you deserve better than what people have given you. I am sorry for being so harsh, sometimes some tough love, and stirring up some feelings is what we need to make that change...

    Just start thinking of yourself as another person you have a responsibility towards...You need to take care of you, first, and anyone telling you that's wrong, just leave them behind...

    I think this forum is also your way of doing something, one step in the right direction, for yourself, for that child inside you that never got looked after but had to look after others.If you do become a doctor, or not, you are worthy of the best people you can find, and not crazies that will expect you to perform when summoned and have no needs, like some advanced AI.

    I really am on your side, as reading your post broke my heart a little...You should not treat yourself badly anymore, and not let anyone esle do it...:kissu:
     
    Last edited: Jan 6, 2016
  5. spiritnwhite

    spiritnwhite New Member

    UPDATE

    While fixing an old browser that had her Facebook still logged in I understand now why things suddenly took a massive dip so fast. It turns out she had been flirting with another man for awhile and not long ago even stayed the night with him.

    I should not have confronted her about it.. But I did. Nothing said that wasn't already known.

    She said she looks at me and feels numb. She does not love me anymore and she has been fighting the feeling awhile.. I argue that she never loved me at this point. We hadn't been separated two months and already she is in another man's bed...

    I know this marriage was already ended and on its way out.. But this was just another painful punch...

    I feel so hollow and used.. So misguided and left alone. I plan on joining the Airforce... But my confidence has taken such a hit in the past year that I feel like a shell of my formal self. I was trapped in a depression because of all that was going on and I had to cut off many people to keep her happy to the point I do not have many friends anymore. I feel alone. She was the only one whoever got me out of the house when I could because of my grandmother and now.. I just don't know what to do. Everything has rapidly changed and I feel swallowed up by the current.

    Where do I go from here?
     
    Last edited: Jan 17, 2016
  6. spiritnwhite

    spiritnwhite New Member


    Remove that.. I know the advice previously given will suffice.. This news has just troubled me.. But I shouldn't let it.
     
  7. eve.ashley

    eve.ashley Well-Known Member

    She's a piece of s h it, you didn't lose anything of value, just dead weight, that was holding you down...One day at the time start putting yourself first, and looking for people that will treat you well...get therapy, you have been through a lot, no shame in being ion the mend, it's a good thing. Compatible therapist is tricky to find, so don't be afraid to stop seeing yours if you feel you are not getting from them help you need, and look for a new one...Good luck :kissu:
     
  8. caughtup

    caughtup New Member

    So she definitely needs to quit talking to the ex. That's a huge no no. If she knows it bothers you and she still does it, there's a problem there. I would be worried if I were you. And maybe the reason she doesn't want to have kids is because she's still hung up on her ex and doesn't want to get into it deeper with you. But then why did she get married in the first place? You need to give her an ultimatum! Tell her she either stops talking to the ex or you're out. Ask her to explain why she's with you if she's still got feelings for the ex and feels she needs to still have him in her life. I really hope it works out for you guys and I'm sorry you're going through that.
     
  9. spiritnwhite

    spiritnwhite New Member

    UPDATE!!!!

    Today I made a huge step. I got FED UP.

    Told her to get her boyfriend over here tomorrow and get the rest of her stuff or it would be tossed in the dump the next day.

    There is no reason why I put up with all this for so long but I did it because of her past and I wanted to show her a man that could be loyal, forgiving, and compassionate. I realize now that it was all just a lie and I was only white knighting the entire time. She gave me zero respect or even care and finally I opened my eyes and got truly, for the first time in a long time, STEAMING MAD. I did not deserve ANY of this! :mad: :mad: :mad:

    She showed up with her mother and the police, which was ridiculously un-needed because SHE was the hitter and I don't hit women even when it's in defense, and let her mother and the police officers collect her things. :clapping:

    I feel.. GOOD! Free! Liberated! Strong!! :winkfinger:

    I am done with all of this. I finally opened my eyes.

    Thank you all for your support! Things are really looking up!
     
  10. eve.ashley

    eve.ashley Well-Known Member

    Your protective urges and "white knighting" as you out it are an amazing way for a man to be, but you need a person worthy of such efforts and able to appreciate it and return the favour....You don't need to change too much, just change the people you spend time with....Surround yourself with people who put you first in the same manner you put them first...
     
  11. spiritnwhite

    spiritnwhite New Member

    Agreed

    I don't plan on changing much my personality per-say but I realized that I don't deserve to be treated this way anymore by anyone. I just put my time into the wrong person. I will begin searching for the right people soon. Long road ahead.
     
  12. spiritnwhite

    spiritnwhite New Member

    FINAL UPDATE

    Although I have been through the stages of grief it still troubled me that things ended in this fashion. I try not to give up on people and want nothing but to do right.. Would I take her back if she asked? Absolutely not, but tonight I had a dream, possibly a premonition in which me and my wife had insanely stayed together for years but she was still moving out even then. Nothing was different then than it is now.. Which I think is a sign that in every possible scenario, regardless of time spent or effort put in, nothing would have changed.

    I still will strive to not let this short-coming harden my heart or weaken my resolve. To be a man and move forward. To understand better myself and do for myself before I reach out to others. It will be similar to learning how to walk once more but I will, just as with this situation now, preserver and survive.
    Thanks to everyone here on the forum who have listened and read my posts. Thank you for your support. :wave:
     
    Last edited: Jan 20, 2016
  13. caughtup

    caughtup New Member

    I can understand where she's coming from in a way. She might feel like you're dedicating all your time to your grandmother and not enough to her. I know that's kind of selfish, but it's easy to feel that way when you care a lot about someone. I know you're doing the right thing taking care of her though, it can just be hard. I hope you can do something special for her though to show her that you really care. Those little things go a long way.
     
  14. spiritnwhite

    spiritnwhite New Member

    If my grandmother were not in the picture, in the end, it would have always been something. Be it work, other family obligations, or even sickness of my own that impeded on her comfort. In the beginning I always did nice things for her but they were always blown off or I was even ridiculed when doing these things.

    I had been fighting since June to get my grandmother in a rest home but because of the government I could never do it and I fought to keep the house so that she and my step-son would have a permanent home when I joined the military this August. I always did my best to be here for them both and yes there were times I did not have time but she was a trained CNA too and could have helped. She never lifted a single finger. It wasn't easy on me either but my pain was never something she cared about or factored in. I always went places that she wanted to go regardless of my exhaustion, I took care of my step-son 95% of the time, tried my hardest to be romantic, but in the end she just didn't care. I honestly don't believe she ever did for the follow..

    It's too late. This January I caught her staying the night with another by accident man via an old Facebook login through a previously unusable browser and confronted her about it. Her response? "Why are you on my FB?" She went on to deny she had done anything but please, what was said it was obvious she had done something. She then went onto file for divorce, refuse any contact with me, and completely bar any contact with my stepson. Although she still takes him to see her ex-boyfriend mentioned before two hours away from home, who happens to be in jail for statutory rape of a 12 year old minor.

    Oh and that man she denied being with? She has been with him since the day I caught her. Last I heard they got plastered on Easter and passed out in her floor.

    If you ever care for someone, that isn't a shard turn you just happen to make a choice on. Especially considering a lot of things were out of my control and pushed me so far over the edge I contemplated suicide in January as well. I guess we had married too soon for the wrong reasons and.. Should I have left her sooner? I did all I could and forgave a lot.. And if she had done what she had promised and gotten help, I would have taken her back.

    But I forgive her. I hope I hear from her again someday just to tell her that. Holding onto anger does nothing but harm the person holding on. I hope she finds what she is looking for in life and that someday she will grow and be a happier person. If I am to lose myself to bitterness and let the brambles of hatred embed themselves from within, then I have truly lost.
     
  15. spiritnwhite

    spiritnwhite New Member

    (ALSO I was not taking care of my grandmother for this sole reason.. But it was the family home and I wanted to be there for her as well)

    Regardless, I am on my own now. Scrapping by and training for August. It feels odd.. Being alone. In a lot of ways because I don't have much family.. But I take one day at a time and let the healing come naturally..

    I'm not completely alright. I will not be for a sometime and there are some nights I ponder on what could have been if things had been different.. But I'm not sure if there was truly anything more I could have done..
     
    Last edited: Mar 30, 2016
  16. spiritnwhite

    spiritnwhite New Member

    Okay, well, this I guess the true final update I will post on this website...

    Well, for those who do care, in June of last year my grandmother had been admitted into a 24 hour health facility... She was happy and taken care of until she passed away after two months of living there. It was a very hard day for many but I know that she was finally free of her suffering. Life is only a river with branching forks in the current and though we may feel far apart at times in the end all paths end in the same ocean. Someday we may yet to be reunited.
    As for what I have been doing since the day I posted.. I was divorced in March 2016. I have been fighting a long road of recovery from the trauma and it has not been easy. However, I have risen above all this pain that consumed me from what feels like a life age ago. I will not lie and say I do not still feel some remnant of pain but it does not overcome me.
    In the end, I did do something that has helped me greatly in this internal battle. I trained very hard and worked tirelessly for clearance and I finally was accepted. In September of 2016, a week after my grandmother passed away, despite the loss, I joined the United States Air Force and made it through all of the training. With honors to boot. I am an active duty medic and have only a few weeks left of my schooling.

    Thank you, everyone, who read this post. I know I was not in a good place at the time and I was honestly at the lowest point in my entire life. I will ever be greatly for the help and support I received.

    I wish all of you the very best.

    Aim high.
     

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