what to do next?

Discussion in 'Break Up Forum' started by Victor Frankl, Jul 10, 2018.

  1. Victor Frankl

    Victor Frankl New Member

    The Ups and Downs of my Non-Committed, Exclusive Relationship.... Your opinion is appreciated

    We met at work almost 2 years ago, I right away found him attractive; he found me rather annoying. We didn't often associate with each other at work. One night we were out with some co-workers and had too much to drink so I invited myself to his place to spare me the drive home. Let the fun begin!

    When I left in the morning, I was so embarrassed. What had I just done and what will he now think of me? A few hours later he called me to see I was ok and asked what the heck happened last night? This first night was a blur for the both of us, but incredible evidence showed we had a great time together. He said although he can't remember, he is intrigued and wanted to see if we could relive our night sober. Let's say we had incredible chemistry with or without alcohol; which became very confusing with the news to follow....

    He doesn't want a relationship; he recently got out of a long term relationship, not happy with his life, not happy with his job... excuse after excuse... I wish I listened and believed him then. This could have spared me a lot of heartache, but also cost me one of the best friendships I have ever had. The Ups and Downs, pros and cons, joy and sadness are endless for the next year.

    He remained consistent with letting me know he doesn't want a relationship, but at times treated me like we were in one. He'd buy me little gifts while he was out because he thought I'd like something. He'd talk and text with me for hours and days on end and we began to really know each other on a real level. We would get together and talk, listen to music, watch movies, spend the night at each other's house. For the first few months we were always together at work and after work at least 3-4 times a week. We were like horny kids who couldn't get enough of each other; then the next admission came up, he's suffering depression because he recently got out of a long term relationship, hates his life, his job etc... He pulled away, distanced himself with me at work, went days without responding to my text messages.

    Was this just an excuse to get rid of me? Why didn't he want to be with me? What was wrong with me? Weren't we having a great time together? What did he have to offer me? What did I have to offer him? Why didn't I just walk away? The questions piled in my mind and I started to have anxiety and depression of my own.

    Now, I don't know if I pursued him because I felt I was losing him or if I thought I needed to prove I was worth it. Either way, I persisted and was determined to let him know I am here for him, a friend to talk with and will do anything I can to help him get thru what ever it is he is going thru. I later learned this was called enabling, I became a door mat, I stretched myself thin trying to do so much for him and remind him I a good fit for him.

    Although I won and we continued to see each other for over a year, it started to feel different. I began to question was he with me out of convenience? Did he mean it when he said that I was a good quality girl and he is attracted to who I was and how I live my life? Was he just saying these things because I wanted to hear them? Did he know that is killing me inside? Did he mean it when he said that I had become one of his best friends?

    I know in my heart and gut that he loves me, not "in love" with me, but does genuinely love me. He sincerely believes I am a quality person with a lot to offer. He says I deserve someone who will be able to give me what I am looking for but right now it isn't him. He has so much to deal with in his own head that he is in no place to commit to me.

    I have spent so long trying to do things for him and show him how much I care about him. I wanted him to see the great guy I believe him to be, to see his greatness thru my eyes. We still get together, but now I'm starting to see him thru his eyes. He really is unhappy with his life, his job, although he seems to be over the past relationship. His feelings don't seem to have anything to do with me, but I see he hasn't grown over the past year. In fact, he seems to be going backwards. I can't help but feel that my presence in his life is not a blessing but another obstacle he needs to overcome, another thing to make him unhappy. Maybe I'm a distraction from the every day, but I no longer feel like there is a happy future.

    I am torn, he has become one of my best friends. When things are good, they are great; but when thing get bad, I feel insecure, helpless and hopeless. I know relationships take work, something worth having is worth fighting for. I'm at the point where I am questioning what am I fighting for? Will he suddenly open his eyes and say he wants to commit to me? If he did do this, is he really someone I want to commit to? Does the good outweigh the bad?

    Throughout our time together, we were always an all inclusive, non-committed but exclusive package. Can we remain friends with out all the other factors? Do I fully let him go and see what the future holds or do I accept the way things are?
     
  2. drsky

    drsky Member

    Hello dear,
    Only you can gauge your relationship, based on how much you can tolerate the bad times. Each one has their own level of tolerance and patience. Now, almost many relationships have their downtimes, leaving someone insecure. Once he commits perhaps this insecurity may fade to some extent.
    You have put a lot into this relaitonship, perhaps you are feeling tired abt this; do take time off for yourself, with your friends, family and hobbies when you can, so you dont feel burned out.
    If you let him go fully it may not be the same again, someone else can enter his life. Do give enough time to care for yourself and allow him to care for you also. And see how it goes with time. You both can go for a couples retreat.

    Meditation and yoga helps in centering yourself and being grounded with self and higher level of consciousness.
    ========================================

    And pray to GoD daily(for GOD is love) and GOD CAN bring you love and help couples and singles seeking love and marriage as much as possible, so that
    positive karma/action will bring love into your life.

    Do browse thru the website.
    Wish you the best,
    Dr.Sky
     

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