When should I approach the situation? Or shouldn't I?

Discussion in 'Dating Advice' started by Takedown123, Jul 28, 2015.

  1. Takedown123

    Takedown123 New Member

    I was dealing with a girl who had her guard up real high. We worked together, and things didn't ever go anywhere. She lead me on big time, and when ever I would ignore her she'd get real vindictive and become a b*tch. But when I would start giving her attention, she'd almost act like I had "cooties" lol, especially around other co-workers. When we were together alone, she was completely fine though, for the most part. She ended up dating a guy with out letting me know, while having me "wait" until she stopped working 2 jobs at the time, so I just kind of stopped the approach. Nothing came out of that date, but when she found out that I found out, she started dating another guy for a few months. We had a talk together one time where I sort of called her out on a bunch of stuff she did, and she basically said she was just uncomfortable dating because we work so close together and she isn't looking for anything serious. During that time I was with another girl, so it wasn't a huge deal to me. But I ended up getting a different job recently, however a couple weeks before I did, she just started dating another guy. She is definitely a very confused girl and, honestly, I don't think she knows what she wants. However, even after so much negativity with her, and her purposely doing or saying things to try and hurt me, there is definitely still a part of me that wants some type of relationship with her, just because I got to know her and felt a connection was built. My concern is that I think she might think I am still in a relationship, and also I know she is in a relationship. But according to her, she wasn't looking for anything serious. So I am not sure what exactly that means as far as commitment with her dating life. I haven't really spoken or texted her in weeks. So I am not sure if I should even bother another attempt in the future, and if so, how long do I wait? Or do I just wait to see if she tries to contact me, if things don't go well with her current relationship? I am not sure if I am just going to make things worse, because I got the feeling she would push me away from her getting emotionally attached to me or something? I know a few girls can be like that, and this one told me that not many of the guys she has dated have even been her "type" and I think that she seems to get into relationships based on the couple I have seen with guys who she has no real interest in so that she doesn't get attached.
     
  2. Trellum

    Trellum New Member

    I honestly think she would be an awful dating choice, for you or for anyone, she just sounds like an awful woman, sorry, but it's true. What she did to you at work is worrisome, no normal person does that, that is what I call a clear red flag. Don't get involve with her, she sounds so unstable. Look for someone better, I am sure you can find someone who is interested in being with you, I think it's pretty clear he is not interested. If I were you I'd just let it go, for the two reasons I mentioned earlier.
     
  3. Theo

    Theo New Member

    Both of you are just dating other people and don't seem to want a serious relationship and I feel that you want to date her just to tick her off the list. I don't think if you dated it would go very far with the track record you both have, but in a way you feel like she is the one that got away and you want to know what you have been missing.

    Personally I would leave it, it won't end well and you will be questioning whether she is seeing other people all the time. Use your energy for other things.
     
  4. Lushlala

    Lushlala New Member

    Wow, sorry but she sounds weird! If I were you I wouldn't go there. She has a very busy dating life, and I doubt there's room there for you. By all means, proceed with pursuing her, but I foresee the whole thing ending in tears. She sounds to me like she wants to have her cake and eat it. It doesn't sound worth it to me, more trouble than it's worth.
     
  5. Takedown123

    Takedown123 New Member

    Thanks. Since I stopped working with her and seeing her everyday, it's not bothering as much. I still think about her at times, but I think a big part of it was just getting to know her, and like the above comment stated, she does feel like the one that got away, I guess. She texted me last week, not even a month after we last saw, but she never brought up dating or anything, so neither did I, and I kept it short. I want to have a relationship right now in general, but I don't know if I have the schedule or time to right now in my life. So sometimes when I am bummed out about that too, I think of her. But I just think she is too much of a hassle to deal with. I can't stand hypocrites and people who constantly contradict themselves, and is/does both a lot. I basically told myself that I am not going to pursue anything, if she texts me one day and I am single, I will cross that bridge then. I still have feelings for her, and I honestly think she has feelings for me, but she knows I have feelings for her, and is the type to take advantage of that and play games, and I just don't want that negativity in my life. The closest she has ever shown interest in recent months was just saying something along the lines of that she was still interested, but it was just bad timing because we worked together. Part of me thinks she said that though just to attempt to get me to start showing attention towards her again and lead me on even more.
     
  6. DrinkGlass

    DrinkGlass New Member

    Well, if you ask me, I can't give much advises without questions and further consideration. I mean, there's not a straight answer to it, and while she looks like a bad woman, I must admit I want to take a closer look on it.

    Basically. You say you don't have the schedule for loving someone else, and you say she doesn't know you're single. Does that mean you are single right now?
    Then, I'll ask an hard question: if your are single now, why your old relationship failed? Wasn't it related to her?
    Another question on the plate: the fact you don't seem so open to relationships isn't because she is not really open, and you don't want to enter something complicated? Put in another words, are you sure you don't leave your heart closed because you consider it already taken by her?
     
  7. eve.ashley

    eve.ashley Well-Known Member

    I would advise you not to use words like "lead on". That is dangerously close to rapist vocabulary. People do not owe you anything. A woman can like you to a point, get to know you to a point, and change her mind, or stop liking you.

    That a woman flirted with you at some point, doesn't means she owe you a date or sex, or anything...

    Also, being polite to you, is not flirting. Maybe that woman is just used to loads of guys being interested and your attention is not that unusual, or special for her, and she is trying not to be b.i.t.c.h about you liking her.

    Ironically you still think she's a b.i.t.c.h.

    That you did things for her, doesn't mean she owes you anything.

    Anything you do, you do coz you want, and not coz she will owe you something for it.

    Or do you want to be the kind of guy that, in a bar, insists a girl takes a drink from you, she does to stop you from pestering her, then you expect a date, or sex in return for your drink?

    Incidentally those are the same guys who say, "you lead me on"...

    People cannot lead each other on, that's really just misogynistic langue for a guy being pissed of he isn't getting laid, or getting laid anymore...

    Someone can keep you hanging on, by not saying I don't want you, but also not saying I want you...This person can do this on purpose, or coz they are confused and all over the place, in both situations you have a choice to walk away...

    You can't say, well flirted with me now you owe me whatever I want with you, lest I proclaim to the world that you led me on...

    I seriously recommend you examine your attitude to people and especially people you have romantic interest in and women...

    Maybe some therapy would be beneficial, and this is not aimed to burn or sting in any way, therapy is an excellent tool for all of us to lead a better, healthier, more functional life...

    Also, while you are in therapy, you can resolve what attracts you to vindictive bitches in general, as that is not a healthy romantic preference to have...

    Instead of being horrified by her behavior towards you, you are still considering continuing something with a woman that you describe as a bitch who acts like you are icky...
     
    Last edited: Sep 5, 2015
  8. Takedown123

    Takedown123 New Member

    She doesn't know I am single right now. My schedule is busy, but I am wanting a more serious relationship, which I guess isn't what she is/was looking for anyway. I am still single right now though. My past relationship failed, because of schedules. She was becoming more busy, and then I went back to school and got even more busy myself, and she wanted to move after her schooling in several months, and just didn't want things getting too serious. It was a mutual split, and understanding on both sides though. I wouldn't say it was related to the girl I used to work with though, however, I will admit, seeing the girl everyday when I still worked there was hard. I liked the girl I was with more, but I still was confused over what had happened and why. And there still is that "void" I guess of just wondering. But I set myself up for what happened with that girl by ignoring many red flags, and "waiting". I think by agreeing to wait, I showed her weakness, and she just assumed I'd be there whenever she wanted me/if she ever wanted me. The problem I am having with relationships, is being afraid I will be hurt like that again. I have been through break ups before, and it hurt just as bad as those, and we never even kissed, so it was weird to feel that way. But I think it was just how careless she was about it. Even after everything though, I would be lying if I said I didn't still have SOME feelings for her, so I guess my guard is up hoping that maybe she will "change" and become the girl I thought she was. When I think of it realistically though, even if she were to call or text me tomorrow and ask to go out/apologize or whatever, I don't think she's the type of girl that would make for a healthy relationship. And based on other situations and stories I have heard, just doesn't seem to be in the right state of mind where she is at right now to be in a serious relationship, or imo, as relationship at all. Whenever I think about wanting a relationship with her, it's not with her, it's with the girl who I thought she was. She's rubbed a lot of people the wrong way though in the time I have known her, so I know it's not just me that she has been fake with.

    When I say "lead on" I guess what I meant, was putting me on the back burner. I never thought or think she owes me anything. I would have appreciated honesty, but she doesn't even owe me that. I also know the difference between being polite and flirting, and it would go back and forth with her. She told me several different times, including once when she was with another guy that she was interested. When she was with the other guy though, she just said "its just bad timing right now." She asked me to wait for a specific time, and because she was so busy, I felt bad, and so I agreed to wait for that time. Then to find out, as I was waiting, she dated another guy, that's what sucked. It's not "you owe me sex or a date, because you were nice to me." I've always had good relationships, so I feel my attitude towards women isn't too bad. I've never been the type to buy a girl a drink for sex. I actually only got one girl from a bar ever, and we ended up dating for a few months, so it wasn't a one night deal. I'm not a one night stand type of guy anyway, they just aren't my idea of a relationship. You are 100% right though, I had the chance to walk away, and because I didn't, I set myself up for what happened.
     
  9. eve.ashley

    eve.ashley Well-Known Member

    Well you seem like a guy with a head on screwed properly and heart in the right place. So, forget it my last post. It obviously never even applied to you.

    I think you know the kind of man or women I am talking about. Borderline behavior in which he or she imagines more than there ever was between you, and then when you clarify there was never anything to begin with they start acting nuts.

    Since this was never the case for you, she really must be driving her nuts with her indecisive behavior and, you need to find a balance between walking away too soon and letting this unravel you completely.

    It's a slippery slope I know, but it comes down to this: If she is doing this coz you are some backup plan walk away...If she is doing it coz sh is really all over the place in her life and has not insight into how her behavior affects you, make it clear to her. Make your feeling and how her behavior affects you clear...

    Good luck, sorry I assumed some stuff in my last post.It's not always easy to gather stuff from a few posts...
     
  10. Takedown123

    Takedown123 New Member

    No problem, some of it still applied though. She is very indecisive in general, so I think it was that mixed with just where she is at in life and being confused with not knowing what she wants or where she wants to be. I just got hurt from it.
     
  11. eve.ashley

    eve.ashley Well-Known Member

    I'm sorry. Don't take it personally. The worse your life situation is, the less likely you are to make a good love choice.Don't measure your worth or date-ability by what one confused and slightly messed up human decided to do, or not do.

    I don't mean to bash the girl, we can all be confused and messed up, at some point in our life, but you don't let her decisions get to you. I know easier said then love, nothing hurts like matters of the heart, but you can still like her and dislike her decisions regarding you...
     
  12. Takedown123

    Takedown123 New Member

    No worries, I didn't take it personally. I don't dislike her, I just was/still am a little confused over what she did. However, I am sure she is even more confused in her own life than I am with this one situation. I don't even dislike what she did, just how she did it. So I can't say I dislike her, I just don't want to risk anymore disappointment with her. When she texted me the other week, I was still nice and everything to her. I just don't know what to do if she texts me regarding a possible relationship ever. There is still part of me that has feelings for her, but when I really look at the situation, I think its more of hoping to take back her actions that hurt me, and even if I got with her, I don't think it would work out well and I don't think it would help anything either. I'm getting more and more over the situation as time goes on too. I knew her for over a year, so we had a relationship, it just wasn't a romantic one, and it just sucked for a while that she messed that up. Because I asked her several times if she wanted to just be friends, and she would say she was still interested, just too busy. So I feel like I offered her friendship, I just kind of took it away when things went bad. Sometimes I feel bad for doing that, but I just was worried if I remained friends with her, 1. she would think what she did was ok, and 2. I would just develop stronger feelings towards her if she continued to mess with my head.
     
  13. eve.ashley

    eve.ashley Well-Known Member

    I'm sure she doesn't mean to mess with your head. Seems like her head is screwed up and it's affecting her ability to relate to people.
     
  14. DrinkGlass

    DrinkGlass New Member

    Well, given the behavior your describe and my mentality, hm, I don't think kindness is even appropriate. Basic respects maybe, but kindness? Hm.
    The problem of schedules you talk about makes me think about an argument you may talk about in a "without love" relationship. When you really love someone, you don't care of schedules, you should be ready to change your behavior somehow or change your schedules, find a second or a minute and enjoy it as much as possible. So there's only two possibilities: either she (your past relationship, not "the girl") preferred her schedules, or you preferred yours, or both happened.

    If you preferred yours, or even if both happened, if you ask me, it is precisely because of the fact "the main girl" still holds your mind. This weird behavior of keeping sympathy, while not wanting so much anymore contact, feels more like someone disgusted by relationship but still affected by what happened. That basically mean that, your previous relationship failed because you wasn't ready, and not anything else.
     
  15. Takedown123

    Takedown123 New Member

    I could see that being a factor for sure. The girl from the previous relationship really wants to move away when she is done with school though to be back with family. With where I am at in my education, I wouldn't be able to do that, if things got more serious. It was a mix of a lot of things. I do find myself hesitant to be in a relationship now though. I think I am afraid of putting my guard down too much, because I feel that's what I did with the girl from work, and she took advantage of that with some of the things she'd do or say, just to be hurtful. In the back of my head I think I am afraid that something like that will happen again, even though I learned from it and know not to ignore the red flags when I see them. Plus nothing really has felt natural since. I tried using an online dating app, and talked to several girls, but I'm just afraid to make any moves and risk getting hurt or hurting someone else, just because I think back to the one negative experience I had with a girl who wasn't all there mentally at the time.
     
  16. DrinkGlass

    DrinkGlass New Member

    You are going to have somehow an hard time. Because you have to play two games at the same time: you can't really think about talking with many girls right now for any kind of relationship because you feel like closed to it, and if you are closed about it, it can't work really well, you have to better fix this problem, but if after, you close yourself fully of the purpose of meeting girls for relationship and seducing and not for friendship, you won't work much on the issue and you couldn't see how you improve. So you have an hard game to play: you have to fix a part of the problem alone, but then quickly after you think it is fixed, you should go back talking with girls.
     

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